Five

It's been five years since my brother had cranial surgery to remove a brain tumor, and his post on the experience is stirring up my old memories as well. I remember being at the hospital but being so terrified of seeing him in that bed that I couldn't even go into his room. Mom, Dad and others were keeping vigil in the hospital waiting room but I had trouble even walking into the hospital.

Back then I didn't know exactly what was wrong with me that I couldn't just go inside but now I think I have some idea. See, the idea of something happening to my big brother, the big goofball I had always looked up to, just broke my heart. All I wanted to do was cry (and I did, a lot). My family, on the other hand, were so stoic about the whole affair. My mom especially was so calm and focused on a positive outcome that I was afraid to even be around her for fear that I would slip up, start bawling and disrupt her concentration.

It was clear to me that I was going about this whole thing the wrong way, that I should just have acted like craniotomy day was just another day, but I was fucking terrified that something would go wrong and I had no idea how to keep that fear off of my face and out of my mind. So instead I stayed away.

Luckily, everything worked out. After a harrowing year of surgeries and radiation treatments, Brian was on the mend. Five years later, we are all doing so well compared to then. We have been so lucky. Not only did that experience set off a chain of events that moved the entire family to Portland, I think it brought us all closer emotionally as well.

Anyway, Bri, I love you. Thanks for sticking around. You have literally changed my life for the better about a million times over.

xo

I think I'm going about this the wrong way

Chat transcript

Potential suitor: What's a gorgeous lady like yourself doing online dating anyhow?

Me: Oh, I just enjoy punishing myself

Potential suitor: ...

Potential suitor: ...why?

Me: Never mind.

Um, what?

I reactivated my online dating profile today.  Why did I do this?  I don't want to date.  In fact, I can't think of anything I'd like less right now than to open myself up to another human being.  Here's hoping nobody wanders into my sexy sexy trap and has to face rejection.

Space and choice

Today was a great day for several reasons. First of all, I took my last final exam for the semester over my lunch hour, so I'm totally done with those classes. Secondly, I've been thinking for a little while about just transferring to PSU instead of finishing my associates and then transferring, and it turns out if I do that I can avoid taking public speaking AND the final semester of chemistry. So YAY! I actually don't have to take anything next semester at all, but I am going to finish out the year of Spanish, plus take another course that interests me so I can qualify for financial aid to pay for the Spanish. I'm thinking about maybe P.E.

So right now I don't have any school at all to worry about, which is very relaxing. I'm excited because this frees up some of my time and makes way for other things I want to do, like writing, going to the gym, and making a dent in that stack of books on my nightstand. I also need to take some time and wrap my mind around how I am going to provide meals for myself, since lately I have been hitting convenience foods pretty hard and that kind of thing doesn't make me feel good, physically or mentally.

Remember how last post I was talking about my trouble with too many options? I have done some more thinking about that and realized that the idea of making solid decisions is really scary for me. I think some of it is still fallout from the breakup, where I thought I had made the right decision and had some idea of where things were going and then they ended. Yes, I was the one who ended them, but I don't think at the time I had any idea of how much those events would rock me to the core and really change who I was. And maybe it's because I was the one who ended things and caused T (and myself) a whole lot of pain in the process that I'm reluctant to make any more decisions because deep down, I'm afraid of doing that again. I'm afraid of being so wrong it's painful.

But you can't go through life just waiting for circumstances to decide for you. That's nothing but a waste of free will.