My brother's wife had a baby a few weeks ago, and from what I can gather, parenthood seems to be a very humbling experience. No matter how well-prepared you are, there are going to be moments when you have no earthly idea what to do. Your baby will be screaming his head off and nothing you can try will work, nothing will make it better. I think this is what makes parenthood such a challenge. Sure, it's expensive and messy and loud and hard to manage, but the thing about parenting that really takes guts is the willingness to submit to the experience of not knowing what to do.
I guess not everyone who becomes a parent really has the wherewithal to do that. It takes courage to admit that we don't know how to fix something. It's something I in particular really don't like to do. But considering my new nephew and the challenges that face his parents, I have started to reconsider how I handle these sorts of situations. I encounter the experience of not knowing way more often than I would like, mostly because in my job I assert myself as someone who will have the answers. When I don't have them, especially answers I should have, the result is highly uncomfortable. What good, you may ask, is a help desk analyst who can't actually help?
But there's no way around it. It's simply impossible for me to know all the things. Despite my fear, there will always be things I don't know, questions I can't answer. Things I can't control.
I'm in the process of buying this house in a tiny town north of Portland. Homebuying is undoubtedly one of those situations where you want to know what you're doing. You can't just wing it, you have to know. But circumstances have arisen which make it impossible for me to know what's going to happen next. Maybe the contractors will give me reasonable estimates and the seller will be willing to take on the expense of fixing the house's foundation and plumbing. Maybe the repairs will go as planned and maybe I'll be able to close and move in on schedule. Maybe the little movie of my life in that house that's been playing on an infinite loop in my head for the past two weeks will finally come true. Aaaand... maybe it won't.
I expected to be freaking out about this right now, but for some reason my subconscious has chosen to go another way. Maybe there's just been a lot of stuff happening lately that's entirely out of my control. Work has been crazy (corporate restructuring is a very unsettling phrase), relationship didn't work out, friendships have been uneven and weird, body weight has been creeping up despite my best intentions, my family has a new member in it, and now this house business. If ever there were an argument for going with the flow and letting life happen, it would be this moment. So I'm going to try to not fight it. Dear life, have your way with me. I humbly submit to the not knowing.
Funny thing...when you submit to it, not knowing feels a lot like peace.
