There's a spa downstairs in my office building and today William and I went down there and got 15 minute massages. It was a very interesting experience. First of all, my life is not really all about the touching. I don't really let people I know touch me very often, much less complete strangers. The other thing is, um, getting a massage kind of hurts like hell. I mean, it felt good afterwards, but during the massage my overriding thought was, "Dear GOD aren't you done yet?". But I was glad I did it...though my neck is tense again already...darnit.
I am really having trouble with the idea of not having a specific plan or diet or something that I'm working on. I feel the need for structure, but I know deep down that as soon as any structure is in place I will just rebel against it. These goals of mine just seem so insurmountable that I'm really having trouble remaining focused on them without some kind of reassurance that there is a specific end result and that it will take x amount of days to accomplish.
I have been working on this entry for over an hour now, just sitting here trying to figure out what to say about this whole situation. One thing that just occurred to me is that part of the issue is that I don't trust myself to continue to choose to take care of myself by exercising or eating well. I guess I feel like if I have a specific plan to follow then the decision is taken out of my hands...or at least it's simpler. It becomes a decision between complying and not complying rather than taking care of myself or not taking care of myself. I think this merits a whole lot more thought....I'll write more on it tomorrow.
One great thing T said to me today was that I don't have to think about the big picture all the time...that it can just be about what I am going to do TODAY. Very true. I am going to try my hardest to do something great for myself today. I'll tell you tomorrow how it went.
Monday, April 30, 2007
Thursday, April 26, 2007
An epiphany
I finally get it. I finally understand how I work, why a million and one diets and exercise plans have failed, why I have the body I have.
Over the past two weeks, I have been putting a ridiculous amount of pressure on myself. My training schedule has me working out at least five days a week, swimming and running, and when I miss a workout I feel really, really guilty. The bottom line is, this isn't really very much fun anymore, since I feel like I am always failing. Last night, when I went home, I felt tired and crappy and was really letting myself have it for not working out the day before. I tried really hard to get to the bottom of these feelings and why I was putting so much pressure on myself and it finally, finally dawned on me: this whole thing is MY choice. It's up to ME to decide if I want to run, swim, bike, roller skate, skydive, or anything else. I've got to give myself every opportunity to get out there and be active, but it's not helping for me to feel bad if I decide not to. Less than a month ago, my life consisted basically of work and the sofa. It is going to take time to transition to a more active lifestyle, and I can take as long as I need to get there. I have been spending so much time just living in the moment and only thinking three or four steps ahead, to finally look up and realize that my life is stretching before me like a long, long road is incredibly freeing and fantastic. Yesterday I finally felt, just for a second, like my life and its direction was actually about what I wanted, not what someone else said I should want. It was a fabulous feeling.
So I'm going to change my goals again. I'm going to make it my goal to work out at least three times a week, running, swimming, or whatever. No big plan, just whatever I feel like that day. Once I get used to that idea and it feels like a more natural part of my routine, I can think about setting other goals. Right now, the most important thing to me is to integrate physical activity into my life and make it something I actually want to do instead of something I feel like I should do. It's the same idea as the food thing, you know. Yesterday, without even thinking about what a pain in the ass it was to cook something instead of ordering in, I thought about what I wanted to eat, went into the kitchen, and made myself dinner (scrambled eggs, black beans, corn, salsa and sour cream wrapped up in a multigrain tortilla. so good!). I enjoyed the whole experience a great deal because I felt like I was taking care of myself and listening to what I really wanted instead of just eating something "good" or "healthy" or "easy".
I'm definitely still going to do the 5k though. Tomorrow I'm going to map out a 3.1 mile route in the neighborhood and go walk it so I know what walking that distance feels like and how long it takes. Once I know what that is like, I can work on reducing my time so I can stop worrying about being the last one to cross the finish line.
So I feel mostly great with a little apprehension around the edges. It is very hard to trust yourself to make the right decisions, since everything we're told from day 1 is about how we don't have the willpower or self control or good sense to make our own decisions which is why someone else (parents, advertising, government) needs to make them for us. But the bottom line is, all of those diets and plans failed because I didn't feel like they were really my idea...like I was really in charge. Those of you who know me well know that I can have a bit of rebellious streak, so it should come as no surprise that I regularly rebel against control, even when I'm the one who is exerting the control in the first place.
Over the past two weeks, I have been putting a ridiculous amount of pressure on myself. My training schedule has me working out at least five days a week, swimming and running, and when I miss a workout I feel really, really guilty. The bottom line is, this isn't really very much fun anymore, since I feel like I am always failing. Last night, when I went home, I felt tired and crappy and was really letting myself have it for not working out the day before. I tried really hard to get to the bottom of these feelings and why I was putting so much pressure on myself and it finally, finally dawned on me: this whole thing is MY choice. It's up to ME to decide if I want to run, swim, bike, roller skate, skydive, or anything else. I've got to give myself every opportunity to get out there and be active, but it's not helping for me to feel bad if I decide not to. Less than a month ago, my life consisted basically of work and the sofa. It is going to take time to transition to a more active lifestyle, and I can take as long as I need to get there. I have been spending so much time just living in the moment and only thinking three or four steps ahead, to finally look up and realize that my life is stretching before me like a long, long road is incredibly freeing and fantastic. Yesterday I finally felt, just for a second, like my life and its direction was actually about what I wanted, not what someone else said I should want. It was a fabulous feeling.
So I'm going to change my goals again. I'm going to make it my goal to work out at least three times a week, running, swimming, or whatever. No big plan, just whatever I feel like that day. Once I get used to that idea and it feels like a more natural part of my routine, I can think about setting other goals. Right now, the most important thing to me is to integrate physical activity into my life and make it something I actually want to do instead of something I feel like I should do. It's the same idea as the food thing, you know. Yesterday, without even thinking about what a pain in the ass it was to cook something instead of ordering in, I thought about what I wanted to eat, went into the kitchen, and made myself dinner (scrambled eggs, black beans, corn, salsa and sour cream wrapped up in a multigrain tortilla. so good!). I enjoyed the whole experience a great deal because I felt like I was taking care of myself and listening to what I really wanted instead of just eating something "good" or "healthy" or "easy".
I'm definitely still going to do the 5k though. Tomorrow I'm going to map out a 3.1 mile route in the neighborhood and go walk it so I know what walking that distance feels like and how long it takes. Once I know what that is like, I can work on reducing my time so I can stop worrying about being the last one to cross the finish line.
So I feel mostly great with a little apprehension around the edges. It is very hard to trust yourself to make the right decisions, since everything we're told from day 1 is about how we don't have the willpower or self control or good sense to make our own decisions which is why someone else (parents, advertising, government) needs to make them for us. But the bottom line is, all of those diets and plans failed because I didn't feel like they were really my idea...like I was really in charge. Those of you who know me well know that I can have a bit of rebellious streak, so it should come as no surprise that I regularly rebel against control, even when I'm the one who is exerting the control in the first place.
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
I walk funny
Okay, so first of all, I am proud of myself today because even though I have been sooo tired lately, I managed to get myself out the door and walk my usual park loop. I have been feeling kind of run down for the past few days, so I was really tempted to just fall into bed and take a nap. Instead, I made a deal with myself: "I'm just going to put on my walking gear and my sneakers and if I still want to just sit on the sofa, then that's what I'll do." It seems like such a small thing, just changing your clothes, but it really did get me moving out the door and down the street. I made a second deal with myself that I was just going to get started and do my warmup, and that got me to the park, around the loop, and back home. It was fantastic, and I got to feel proud of the effort I made instead of disappointed that I hadn't done anything at all (though since I promised myself, I definitely need to work on not being disappointed, even if I only put my walking gear on and sit on the sofa).
The thing that was weird about my workout, though, was that I realized during it that I am not walking right. I have been dealing with this achilles tendon soreness for weeks now and I think I finally realized that a problem in my stride is causing it. Once I realized this about myself, I tried to pay attention to how I normally walk, and it seems like my left leg does most of the work and then when I step on my right foot, it's at a weird angle that puts a lot of pressure on the far right heel part of my foot. I concentrated for a while on walking with both feet straight, heel-toe like in marching band, pushing off of the balls of my feet, and I started to feel fatigue in muscles I didn't even know I had! I wonder if the weird alignment of my legs and feet when I'm walking has anything to do with how ineffectual my flutter kick is when I'm swimming. I'm thinking about getting a pair of fins to train myself to kick better, btw.
So anyway, I searched online for some advice about the proper walking form, and it turns out that there are a lot more parts of my body working when I'm walking than just my legs and feet. Apparently it helps a lot to have a strong back and strong abdominal muscles so you can maintain good posture while you're walking. There is a great page on runnersworld.com that outlines some strength-building exercises for walkers, so I may try some of them next time I walk.
Sometimes I feel like this is getting so complicated...like I need to bring a little notebook with me or something that has all of the things I have to remember about walking, running, or swimming written down. I guess I should give myself a break. I'm trying to learn to do a whole lot of new things all at once...it makes sense that there is a learning curve.
In walking gear news, I finally got my replacement pair of awesome walking shorts in the mail, and they are super-cool, but may be a little too big for me already. Maybe I'll hold onto the pair that was too small since I will most likely shrink into them. It's only a size or two. Also, I went to The Apple Store in Pioneer Square Mall yesterday and bought myself my very own shiny green iPod Shuffle! I already love it so much, it is ridiculous. It is so teeny tiny and it just clips to my sweater when I am commuting or to my t-shirt when I'm walking. So unobtrusive, so fabulous! At first I thought I was going to have to buy all of the music I wanted to put on it from iTunes and I ended up spending 45 bucks last night on music, but today I found an application called Tunebite that will take the music I download from Napster to Go and rerecord it in a format that will work on my iPod. It actually works, and is legal, which is a good thing. Boy, I wish I had figured that out before I spent my 45 bucks!
Things are just okay at work lately. I find that my workload tends to not be as continuous as I would like and a lot of what I am doing depends on responses from other people, so I find that I have more time on my hands than I am comfortable with. I suspect that uneven distribution of workload is an issue in our department anyway, so maybe I'll see if I can figure out a good way to deal with that. I really don't like feeling like a slackass because I'm waiting for partners to respond to my emails and my colleagues are working like mad to get hardware out the door. Maybe I just need to stop being afraid of looking stupid and help the hardware guys out some more. Hmm...
Tomorrow it's more swimming! I'll keep you posted...:)
The thing that was weird about my workout, though, was that I realized during it that I am not walking right. I have been dealing with this achilles tendon soreness for weeks now and I think I finally realized that a problem in my stride is causing it. Once I realized this about myself, I tried to pay attention to how I normally walk, and it seems like my left leg does most of the work and then when I step on my right foot, it's at a weird angle that puts a lot of pressure on the far right heel part of my foot. I concentrated for a while on walking with both feet straight, heel-toe like in marching band, pushing off of the balls of my feet, and I started to feel fatigue in muscles I didn't even know I had! I wonder if the weird alignment of my legs and feet when I'm walking has anything to do with how ineffectual my flutter kick is when I'm swimming. I'm thinking about getting a pair of fins to train myself to kick better, btw.
So anyway, I searched online for some advice about the proper walking form, and it turns out that there are a lot more parts of my body working when I'm walking than just my legs and feet. Apparently it helps a lot to have a strong back and strong abdominal muscles so you can maintain good posture while you're walking. There is a great page on runnersworld.com that outlines some strength-building exercises for walkers, so I may try some of them next time I walk.
Sometimes I feel like this is getting so complicated...like I need to bring a little notebook with me or something that has all of the things I have to remember about walking, running, or swimming written down. I guess I should give myself a break. I'm trying to learn to do a whole lot of new things all at once...it makes sense that there is a learning curve.
In walking gear news, I finally got my replacement pair of awesome walking shorts in the mail, and they are super-cool, but may be a little too big for me already. Maybe I'll hold onto the pair that was too small since I will most likely shrink into them. It's only a size or two. Also, I went to The Apple Store in Pioneer Square Mall yesterday and bought myself my very own shiny green iPod Shuffle! I already love it so much, it is ridiculous. It is so teeny tiny and it just clips to my sweater when I am commuting or to my t-shirt when I'm walking. So unobtrusive, so fabulous! At first I thought I was going to have to buy all of the music I wanted to put on it from iTunes and I ended up spending 45 bucks last night on music, but today I found an application called Tunebite that will take the music I download from Napster to Go and rerecord it in a format that will work on my iPod. It actually works, and is legal, which is a good thing. Boy, I wish I had figured that out before I spent my 45 bucks!
Things are just okay at work lately. I find that my workload tends to not be as continuous as I would like and a lot of what I am doing depends on responses from other people, so I find that I have more time on my hands than I am comfortable with. I suspect that uneven distribution of workload is an issue in our department anyway, so maybe I'll see if I can figure out a good way to deal with that. I really don't like feeling like a slackass because I'm waiting for partners to respond to my emails and my colleagues are working like mad to get hardware out the door. Maybe I just need to stop being afraid of looking stupid and help the hardware guys out some more. Hmm...
Tomorrow it's more swimming! I'll keep you posted...:)
Monday, April 23, 2007
Reviewing my expectations
It was a weird weekend. I skipped my workout on Friday, so I was feeling yucky about that and decided to walk on Saturday. When I woke up Saturday morning it was raining like crazy and all I wanted to do was stay in bed. T was at work, so I got up, put some clothes on, and watched The Lake House on HBO. Depressing-ass movie. damn. So anyway, I had been feeling more and more crappy about myself and having missed the workouts I missed last week, so I decided the only good way to deal with it was to get out there and take a walk. I got my walking clothes on, shoes tied, and then realized that T had my mp3 player so I couldn't take it with me. I planned to do a longer walk than usual and I really wanted some music, so I sat down again and waited for her to get home. When she finally got there,I got my butt up and went for a walk.
It wasn't that bad, actually...a little cold and rainy. It was nice to have my mp3 player to listen to, but it's kind of big and bulky so I'm thinking about getting a smaller one. A friend of mine got an ipod shuffle last week and I am just amazed at how tiny it is and yet how much capacity it has. The only problem with ipods is that they don't work with napster to go, and I love NTG because I can download as much music as I want and take it with me. Maybe there is some other mp3 player that is teeny tiny and will clip to your shirt :) I shall have to research this.
So anyway, I went for my walk, but I wasn't feeling well so I only did one loop around the park. What's funny to me is that this time last week, that would have been a major accomplishment, but now it's a letdown. I talked to T about this when I got home, and she set me straight. She said, "look, it's Saturday afternoon, it's raining, and you just got up off the sofa and went for a WALK. That in itself is incredible". And she's right, of course. I tend to just pay attention to what I'm not accomplishing and forget about everything I have done. I'll have to work on that.
T and I had a big, serious talk on Sunday night. Apparently both of us had some residual ick left over from the whole Melany situation last year, and it was causing some major problems between the two of us. So we got everything out in the open and now there is finally some peace between the two of us. Without even realizing it, we had both been pushing each other away and trying to protect ourselves for the past 6+ months. Just talking about that and being honest about how we were feeling makes such a difference. So things are much, much better today, personally.
We saw Disturbia on Friday night. It was pretty awesome because the audience was packed with teenagers and they would all scream and freak out when something scary was happening on the screen. That is totally the best way to see a scary movie :)
I'm going to continue with walking sets this week. I went back and scaled down the workouts in my training calendar because I realized I was putting too much pressure on myself to progress too quickly. It's best if I can look at the day's workout and know in my heart that I can do it, no problem, than to wonder if I'm going to get out there and fail. So let that be a lesson to you, kids: when you're making a training calendar, make it easy for yourself to succeed.
It wasn't that bad, actually...a little cold and rainy. It was nice to have my mp3 player to listen to, but it's kind of big and bulky so I'm thinking about getting a smaller one. A friend of mine got an ipod shuffle last week and I am just amazed at how tiny it is and yet how much capacity it has. The only problem with ipods is that they don't work with napster to go, and I love NTG because I can download as much music as I want and take it with me. Maybe there is some other mp3 player that is teeny tiny and will clip to your shirt :) I shall have to research this.
So anyway, I went for my walk, but I wasn't feeling well so I only did one loop around the park. What's funny to me is that this time last week, that would have been a major accomplishment, but now it's a letdown. I talked to T about this when I got home, and she set me straight. She said, "look, it's Saturday afternoon, it's raining, and you just got up off the sofa and went for a WALK. That in itself is incredible". And she's right, of course. I tend to just pay attention to what I'm not accomplishing and forget about everything I have done. I'll have to work on that.
T and I had a big, serious talk on Sunday night. Apparently both of us had some residual ick left over from the whole Melany situation last year, and it was causing some major problems between the two of us. So we got everything out in the open and now there is finally some peace between the two of us. Without even realizing it, we had both been pushing each other away and trying to protect ourselves for the past 6+ months. Just talking about that and being honest about how we were feeling makes such a difference. So things are much, much better today, personally.
We saw Disturbia on Friday night. It was pretty awesome because the audience was packed with teenagers and they would all scream and freak out when something scary was happening on the screen. That is totally the best way to see a scary movie :)
I'm going to continue with walking sets this week. I went back and scaled down the workouts in my training calendar because I realized I was putting too much pressure on myself to progress too quickly. It's best if I can look at the day's workout and know in my heart that I can do it, no problem, than to wonder if I'm going to get out there and fail. So let that be a lesson to you, kids: when you're making a training calendar, make it easy for yourself to succeed.
Thursday, April 19, 2007
I swam!
Okay, so I actually did it today. I came home, got into my swimsuit and made myself go to the pool. That part wasn't really that bad. I paid my money, went into the locker room, stripped down to the basics, took my little pre-swim shower as the pool rules require, then went out into the pool area. Being in a swimsuit in public really didn't bother me all that much. What I really felt self-conscious about was being in such unfamiliar surroundings. I got my own lane, so that was cool, though it was right under the lifeguard stand and I had a paranoid fear that the lifeguard was going to tell me I was doing it wrong and I wouldn't be allowed to swim there anymore (again, I have an active imagination) :). Luckily, that did not happen. What did happen was that I had a super-critical running commentary in my head and it really made swimming kind of suck for me. I mean, I haven't really swum laps or anything in over 10 years, so I don't know why I expected to just pick it back up again and be all speedy and fantastic, but I guess I had high expectations for myself.
DAMN, swimming is hard work...it's basically the same effort as running, but you can't just breathe whenever you want to. So let me just be up front about this: my swimming was neither speedy nor fantastic. I started with a lap of breaststroke, which used to be my favorite stroke when I was on the swim team as a kid. The thing is, I have a very different body from when I was a kid and it just floats differently and I'm not so much a master of all of my swimming muscles, so I felt very much like a retarded dolphin just limping down the lane. Toward the lifeguard. Sigh...
The next lap I started out with freestyle but I realized after a few strokes that I needed to breathe more often than once each stroke, so I flipped over and did the rest of the lap backstroke. That was much better because I could breathe whenever I wanted to. For the next few laps I alternated between breaststroke, backstroke, and a very slow freestyle. After a few more, I tried freestyle again and realized that I was now able to breathe every few strokes, so that was some nice instant gratification.
Here's where it got a little funny. There was a kickboard at one end of my lane and I was figuring that I should maybe try a few laps just kicking to strengthen my leg muscles and be able to breathe the whole time, etc. Great idea, except when I grabbed the kickboard, pushed off and started kicking, I kind of didn't move. Not even a little. It was ridiculous, and of course I was right under the lifeguard stand. Dammit. I managed to do a modified breaststroke while holding the kickboard to get myself to the end of the lane. One more lap of backstroke and one of freestyle and I was just about done for the day. It was at that precise moment that another swimmer approached me about sharing the lane but I was more than happy to just give it up and get out, so I managed to avoid the lane-sharing awkwardness that I'm sure will be a part of my swimming experience in the future.
I feel good that I went swimming but I am still dealing with some residual negative voices about my performance. Luckily I have until next Tuesday before the schedule says I have to go again (You will respect the schedule! The schedule is law!). I'm thinking I should do as much research about swimming training plans as I am about running, if for no other reason than to give myself some structure. I know it will get easier, especially now that I know what to expect from the pool and from myself.
Wow, running seems like a piece of cake now that I know what swimming is like! :) More tomorrow.
DAMN, swimming is hard work...it's basically the same effort as running, but you can't just breathe whenever you want to. So let me just be up front about this: my swimming was neither speedy nor fantastic. I started with a lap of breaststroke, which used to be my favorite stroke when I was on the swim team as a kid. The thing is, I have a very different body from when I was a kid and it just floats differently and I'm not so much a master of all of my swimming muscles, so I felt very much like a retarded dolphin just limping down the lane. Toward the lifeguard. Sigh...
The next lap I started out with freestyle but I realized after a few strokes that I needed to breathe more often than once each stroke, so I flipped over and did the rest of the lap backstroke. That was much better because I could breathe whenever I wanted to. For the next few laps I alternated between breaststroke, backstroke, and a very slow freestyle. After a few more, I tried freestyle again and realized that I was now able to breathe every few strokes, so that was some nice instant gratification.
Here's where it got a little funny. There was a kickboard at one end of my lane and I was figuring that I should maybe try a few laps just kicking to strengthen my leg muscles and be able to breathe the whole time, etc. Great idea, except when I grabbed the kickboard, pushed off and started kicking, I kind of didn't move. Not even a little. It was ridiculous, and of course I was right under the lifeguard stand. Dammit. I managed to do a modified breaststroke while holding the kickboard to get myself to the end of the lane. One more lap of backstroke and one of freestyle and I was just about done for the day. It was at that precise moment that another swimmer approached me about sharing the lane but I was more than happy to just give it up and get out, so I managed to avoid the lane-sharing awkwardness that I'm sure will be a part of my swimming experience in the future.
I feel good that I went swimming but I am still dealing with some residual negative voices about my performance. Luckily I have until next Tuesday before the schedule says I have to go again (You will respect the schedule! The schedule is law!). I'm thinking I should do as much research about swimming training plans as I am about running, if for no other reason than to give myself some structure. I know it will get easier, especially now that I know what to expect from the pool and from myself.
Wow, running seems like a piece of cake now that I know what swimming is like! :) More tomorrow.
A much needed respite
I slept for almost 12 hours last night. I got off work early and got home around 4 or so, then I planned to take a nap for a few hours and then get up and do my walk. I ended up sleeping through the whole night! Apparently my body needed the rest. I'm a little disappointed that I didn't get to my walk yesterday. I'm not disappointed in myself, I'm just disappointed that I missed out on the opportunity for more training...an important distinction. I finished my training calendar yesterday and now I'm just excited to be able to keep up with it so I can make the progress I've planned out for myself. Obviously life happens and sometimes things get in the way, but hopefully I can stick pretty closely to the plan. There is something about having a training calendar that is so optimistic and official. It kind of helps me reaffirm to myself that I actually am doing this, that I have actual goals and that I can accomplish them. I planned out the workouts I'm going to do until the Mt. Tabor Challenge, but then I realized that I'm not just going to stop running after the race is over, so I started thinking about where and when my next race is going to be and what I want to be able to accomplish when I run it. I'm thinking about the Run for the Cure in September, so that will give me some more time to build up my endurance and maybe even run the majority of the 5k.
Today is swimming. For reals this time. Now that it's on the schedule I feel compelled to go no matter how nervous I am. And actually, I'm not feeling that bad about it. I'll get off work early so I can get over there early and I can hopefully get a lane by myself. More about that tomorrow.
I got a callback yesterday about that interview I had last week. He actually just left a message so I don't know if it was a 'come in for a second interview' or a 'we hired someone else' call. I'll let you know when I find out. (*update* - unfortunately, it was a 'we hired someone else'. That sucks, but I had been thinking today that maybe I'd rather stay here anyway, so I guess it makes that decision easy. Sure is an awful feeling to be rejected though. Sigh...)
Interesting food happenings yesterday...T picked me up at the train station so I wouldn't have to wait for the bus and my first impulse was to ask her to go through the Wendy's drive thru for me. We got to the menu board and I found myself just trying to find SOMETHING I wanted to eat. I couldn't find anything that looked good, so we actually left...a big deal for us. I was planning at that point to just find something to eat at home, but then she wanted to go through the Arby's drive thru and get a soda. Now, I can tear me up some food at Arby's, to be sure, but I really tried to think about what I wanted and not just order like crazy. When I actually thought about it, all I wanted was a chicken cordon bleu sandwich. No fries, no coke, no loaded baked potato wedges, no cherry turnover, just the sandwich. That was such a strange feeling...normally I feel compelled to construct an entire meal with sides and everything. It's so much easier to order a 'number 4 with a coke' and not have to think about what I'm eating. That was the best damn chicken cordon bleu sandwich I have ever had, too. Crazy.
Today is swimming. For reals this time. Now that it's on the schedule I feel compelled to go no matter how nervous I am. And actually, I'm not feeling that bad about it. I'll get off work early so I can get over there early and I can hopefully get a lane by myself. More about that tomorrow.
I got a callback yesterday about that interview I had last week. He actually just left a message so I don't know if it was a 'come in for a second interview' or a 'we hired someone else' call. I'll let you know when I find out. (*update* - unfortunately, it was a 'we hired someone else'. That sucks, but I had been thinking today that maybe I'd rather stay here anyway, so I guess it makes that decision easy. Sure is an awful feeling to be rejected though. Sigh...)
Interesting food happenings yesterday...T picked me up at the train station so I wouldn't have to wait for the bus and my first impulse was to ask her to go through the Wendy's drive thru for me. We got to the menu board and I found myself just trying to find SOMETHING I wanted to eat. I couldn't find anything that looked good, so we actually left...a big deal for us. I was planning at that point to just find something to eat at home, but then she wanted to go through the Arby's drive thru and get a soda. Now, I can tear me up some food at Arby's, to be sure, but I really tried to think about what I wanted and not just order like crazy. When I actually thought about it, all I wanted was a chicken cordon bleu sandwich. No fries, no coke, no loaded baked potato wedges, no cherry turnover, just the sandwich. That was such a strange feeling...normally I feel compelled to construct an entire meal with sides and everything. It's so much easier to order a 'number 4 with a coke' and not have to think about what I'm eating. That was the best damn chicken cordon bleu sandwich I have ever had, too. Crazy.
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
This just in...I'm not perfect
Well, I chickened out on the swimming yesterday. I rationalized that it was cold outside and that I got home a little late and that I was tired, but the real reason is that I'm just intimidated by the whole idea. I still want to swim though, so I'm going to take today and tomorrow and work on psyching myself up to go. I'm working the 6-3 shift today and tomorrow, so maybe if I can get over there a little earlier it won't be as crowded or scary.
So since I didn't go, yesterday turned into an exercise in dealing with my feelings of failure and wanting to give up. At least I recognized that I was doing that to myself so I could stop the negative downward spiral. I have to stay focused and keep moving forward. Everyone has an off day and everyone has times when they let their fear of the unknown get the best of them...it doesn't mean that I failed or that I can't keep doing what I'm doing.
I read an article on runnersworld.com that said if you have absolutely no running background and you are starting a training program, you should start by walking for 8 days straight to strengthen your leg muscles, then you can progress to running. I'm thinking maybe I'll try that or try some speed-walking or something. At first, I needed to try the jogging to prove to myself I could do it, but now, in the interest of long-term goals, I feel like I can drop back down to fast walking and maybe go a longer distance, etc, so I can strengthen my legs. It must be a lot of hard work for those muscles to carry my weight, especially when I'm jogging, so anything I can do to build them up is good.
I had a Red Bull this morning, my first ever, because I was so exhausted and feeling crappy. I have to say, I was fully expecting to feel jittery and nauseated and yucky after drinking it (as I often would when taking vivarin in college. That stuff sucks), but I actually feel more at ease and a little more awake, which is good. I googled Red Bull before drinking it because William said it had bull testosterone in it, but it turns out that isn't actually true, so that's good! I did read that Taurine can have a calming effect, so maybe that's what I'm feeling. If so, cool. $1.99 is a small price to pay for a little tranquility, even if it does taste like ass.
That's all for now. I get to go home at 3 today...yay! I'm definitely going to take a nap before I go out walking :)
So since I didn't go, yesterday turned into an exercise in dealing with my feelings of failure and wanting to give up. At least I recognized that I was doing that to myself so I could stop the negative downward spiral. I have to stay focused and keep moving forward. Everyone has an off day and everyone has times when they let their fear of the unknown get the best of them...it doesn't mean that I failed or that I can't keep doing what I'm doing.
I read an article on runnersworld.com that said if you have absolutely no running background and you are starting a training program, you should start by walking for 8 days straight to strengthen your leg muscles, then you can progress to running. I'm thinking maybe I'll try that or try some speed-walking or something. At first, I needed to try the jogging to prove to myself I could do it, but now, in the interest of long-term goals, I feel like I can drop back down to fast walking and maybe go a longer distance, etc, so I can strengthen my legs. It must be a lot of hard work for those muscles to carry my weight, especially when I'm jogging, so anything I can do to build them up is good.
I had a Red Bull this morning, my first ever, because I was so exhausted and feeling crappy. I have to say, I was fully expecting to feel jittery and nauseated and yucky after drinking it (as I often would when taking vivarin in college. That stuff sucks), but I actually feel more at ease and a little more awake, which is good. I googled Red Bull before drinking it because William said it had bull testosterone in it, but it turns out that isn't actually true, so that's good! I did read that Taurine can have a calming effect, so maybe that's what I'm feeling. If so, cool. $1.99 is a small price to pay for a little tranquility, even if it does taste like ass.
That's all for now. I get to go home at 3 today...yay! I'm definitely going to take a nap before I go out walking :)
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Retraining myself
It rained again yesterday afternoon, so I didn't have to deal with many people on my run. It was hard to get myself out the door again. The rain was coming down pretty heavily and it was cold outside, so it was very tempting to just sit on the sofa and watch TV instead. I had read something on runnersworld.com last week though, that said if you are not wanting to do the run you planned, at least suit up and go do your warmup. Usually when you're done with your warmup you're already out there so you will probably just go ahead and do your full workout. Great tip, and it definitely worked. By the time I had finished my five minute walking warmup, I was already cold and wet and at the park, so I figured I might as well do what I came to do.
I started with the 30 second jog/2 minute walk interval, though there were times when I needed more than the 2 minutes to recover, so I took a little extra walking time. I had planned to stop by the pool just to check it out and make it less scary for my swim today, but I chickened out at the last minute, so I made myself do another loop around the park. This time, I tried to jog as long as I possibly could and then I walked as long as I needed to. On one of the jog segments, I actually got up to 56 seconds of jogging, so almost a minute! That was exciting. When I came back around to the pool again, I steeled myself and walked in there. I asked the front desk person how many lanes they usually have open and if they were usually full...just making conversation so I could get used to the place, but it would be useful to know if their lanes were always packed with swimmers and I wasn't going to be able to fit in. She said they usually have approximately 3 lanes and that they usually have at least one person in them, so that will be interesting. Maybe if I can get there soon enough after work I can snag my own lane.
My legs ACHED after that second loop...I used muscles on that one I didn't even know existed. On the way home, it felt like my leg muscles were rebelling. They were like, "dude! we are trained to sit on the couch...we don't know how to do this running shit!" :) I had to do a lot more stretching than usual, but it felt so good to stretch out those muscles that it was all well worth it.
Another issue I dealt with on this one was that I had some negative voices chiming in when I started my first jogging segment. Basically I was telling myself that I wasn't going fast enough or running hard enough. Luckily, I noticed this time that I was saying those things to myself and was able to stop and replace them with positive things. I am way too hard on myself sometimes. I mean, this was only the fourth time that I had gone out jogging and most other joggers out there aren't carrying around as much weight as I am. This is what jogging is to me right now...it doesn't have to be perfect form and I don't have to be all fast. The point is to get out there and do it.
Brian brought up a point about the Mt. Tabor 5k that I hadn't thought about before...Mt. Tabor park is apparently pretty hilly, so it might be a serious challenge compared to the route I've been working lately. The race route is posted online, so maybe I'll print that out and do a few test runs in the park before the actual race. That way, I'll know what to expect. I'm going to take some time today and make a training schedule. I've been working off of coolrunning.com's couch to 5k in 8 weeks program, but I'm not progressing as fast as their program does, so I need to plan out my own thing. The point of their schedule is to get you running an entire 5k in 8 weeks but I'm not planning to run the whole thing yet, just part of it.
For whatever reason, after my run yesterday I totally wanted to have red beans and rice for dinner. Of course we didn't have any of that, so I looked through what we did have and found a bag of red lentils. I looked on allrecipes.com and found this great recipe for red lentil curry (http://allrecipes.com/Recipe/Red-Lentil-Curry/Detail.aspx). I had never done anything at all with lentils before and, frankly, I don't cook much, so I was a little intimidated but I made it anyway. It turned out great! I didn't have any onion so I just chopped up some carrots, zucchini, red bell pepper, and apple and steam/sauteed it all together while the lentils were cooking. I ate it with some pita bread we had, since we didn't have any rice. It was really good with a little sour cream on top but T says you can also use gingered yogurt and that sounds like it would be really good too. We each brought some for our lunch today, so we'll see if it stands up to reheating. Either way, it's exciting to just pick a recipe and make it happen. I've never been very into cooking, but lately it has been kind of fun to see what I can do.
Swimming today. I'm a little anxious about the whole thing, but I'm also excited to get to go swimming. I'm sure I'll have plenty of stories to tell about it tomorrow :)
I started with the 30 second jog/2 minute walk interval, though there were times when I needed more than the 2 minutes to recover, so I took a little extra walking time. I had planned to stop by the pool just to check it out and make it less scary for my swim today, but I chickened out at the last minute, so I made myself do another loop around the park. This time, I tried to jog as long as I possibly could and then I walked as long as I needed to. On one of the jog segments, I actually got up to 56 seconds of jogging, so almost a minute! That was exciting. When I came back around to the pool again, I steeled myself and walked in there. I asked the front desk person how many lanes they usually have open and if they were usually full...just making conversation so I could get used to the place, but it would be useful to know if their lanes were always packed with swimmers and I wasn't going to be able to fit in. She said they usually have approximately 3 lanes and that they usually have at least one person in them, so that will be interesting. Maybe if I can get there soon enough after work I can snag my own lane.
My legs ACHED after that second loop...I used muscles on that one I didn't even know existed. On the way home, it felt like my leg muscles were rebelling. They were like, "dude! we are trained to sit on the couch...we don't know how to do this running shit!" :) I had to do a lot more stretching than usual, but it felt so good to stretch out those muscles that it was all well worth it.
Another issue I dealt with on this one was that I had some negative voices chiming in when I started my first jogging segment. Basically I was telling myself that I wasn't going fast enough or running hard enough. Luckily, I noticed this time that I was saying those things to myself and was able to stop and replace them with positive things. I am way too hard on myself sometimes. I mean, this was only the fourth time that I had gone out jogging and most other joggers out there aren't carrying around as much weight as I am. This is what jogging is to me right now...it doesn't have to be perfect form and I don't have to be all fast. The point is to get out there and do it.
Brian brought up a point about the Mt. Tabor 5k that I hadn't thought about before...Mt. Tabor park is apparently pretty hilly, so it might be a serious challenge compared to the route I've been working lately. The race route is posted online, so maybe I'll print that out and do a few test runs in the park before the actual race. That way, I'll know what to expect. I'm going to take some time today and make a training schedule. I've been working off of coolrunning.com's couch to 5k in 8 weeks program, but I'm not progressing as fast as their program does, so I need to plan out my own thing. The point of their schedule is to get you running an entire 5k in 8 weeks but I'm not planning to run the whole thing yet, just part of it.
For whatever reason, after my run yesterday I totally wanted to have red beans and rice for dinner. Of course we didn't have any of that, so I looked through what we did have and found a bag of red lentils. I looked on allrecipes.com and found this great recipe for red lentil curry (http://allrecipes.com/Recipe/Red-Lentil-Curry/Detail.aspx). I had never done anything at all with lentils before and, frankly, I don't cook much, so I was a little intimidated but I made it anyway. It turned out great! I didn't have any onion so I just chopped up some carrots, zucchini, red bell pepper, and apple and steam/sauteed it all together while the lentils were cooking. I ate it with some pita bread we had, since we didn't have any rice. It was really good with a little sour cream on top but T says you can also use gingered yogurt and that sounds like it would be really good too. We each brought some for our lunch today, so we'll see if it stands up to reheating. Either way, it's exciting to just pick a recipe and make it happen. I've never been very into cooking, but lately it has been kind of fun to see what I can do.
Swimming today. I'm a little anxious about the whole thing, but I'm also excited to get to go swimming. I'm sure I'll have plenty of stories to tell about it tomorrow :)
Monday, April 16, 2007
Progress...finally
This was a good weekend. I finally got around to making some new jewelry, so that was exciting. I made 7 new necklaces and 4 pairs of earrings. I also managed to unpack a shoebox of my previously finished pieces and I realized that I have more merchandise than I thought. I should have plenty for about one day of the Art Mart. Of course, I'll need more if my stuff sells like hotcakes. I suppose I should plan for that eventuality and keep working on new stuff so, if nothing else, I'll have something to sell every week of the mart (I think it's around 18 weeks). I have made some really nice stuff lately, so I'm excited about the possibility of selling some of it. I could definitely use that kind of affirmation about my jewelry...it's almost like I've been working in a vacuum for the past few years and I haven't really ever exposed myself to public criticism. It's scary, sure, but exciting too.
I have my table and all of my beads and things set up in the front bedroom in the new house. It's an incredible room because it has two big windows on the front corner and I can see everything that's going on in the neighborhood while I work. It was beautiful weather this weekend, too. Sunny, blue sky, white fluffy clouds. The kind of day that your parents used to tell you to go spend some time outside. Unfortunately, I was stuck inside with my beads but I cracked the windows open and got a bit of a breeze going, so it was kind of like being outside. We have a little tv/vcr and a leather chair in that room too, so I had a movie running in the background and when T came home from work she came in there and watched movies with me while I worked.
I had a decent food weekend. Sunday was actually great because T showed me how to make Thai peanut pasta, one of my favorite things in the whole world. We didn't have anything that she would normally use to add spice to it, so we used a little curry powder. It was incredible! I steamed/sauteed a bunch of veggies and tossed them in the sauce and added some linguine. I have leftovers for lunch today...so exciting! For me. I just realized that those of you reading this may not be so jump-up-and-down excited about what I have to eat for lunch :) But anyway, it was good. Saturday was not as good because for whatever reason I had a hard time actually listening to myself about what I wanted and instead just ate whatever was handy, which made me feel like crap. So Saturday was an exercise in not beating myself up over food choices. Challenging.
Today is run number four. I think I will do the same as Friday, 30 second jogging intervals with a 2 minute walking break. I may increase the distance and go twice around the park before going home. We'll see how I feel. My right achilles tendon feels much better after the weekend. I had one of those icy hot patches on it for most of Sunday and it seems to be a little less achy and tight. I am still going to try to stretch it and warm it up before I really get going tonight.
I got my new swimsuit and goggles in the mail on Friday and everything fits, so now I have no excuse not to go swimming tomorrow. I'm still just a little terrified of the whole thing, but actually I'm not so much afraid of being in my swimsuit in public as I am just being out of place in general. What if I get there and there are no lanes available? What if I have to share a lane but I am so super slow that I irritate the other swimmers? Wow, I feel better just having said those things 'out loud'. Slow or not, I have just as much right to swim laps there as anyone else. Screw 'em.
Well, back to work! Have a fabulous Monday :)
I have my table and all of my beads and things set up in the front bedroom in the new house. It's an incredible room because it has two big windows on the front corner and I can see everything that's going on in the neighborhood while I work. It was beautiful weather this weekend, too. Sunny, blue sky, white fluffy clouds. The kind of day that your parents used to tell you to go spend some time outside. Unfortunately, I was stuck inside with my beads but I cracked the windows open and got a bit of a breeze going, so it was kind of like being outside. We have a little tv/vcr and a leather chair in that room too, so I had a movie running in the background and when T came home from work she came in there and watched movies with me while I worked.
I had a decent food weekend. Sunday was actually great because T showed me how to make Thai peanut pasta, one of my favorite things in the whole world. We didn't have anything that she would normally use to add spice to it, so we used a little curry powder. It was incredible! I steamed/sauteed a bunch of veggies and tossed them in the sauce and added some linguine. I have leftovers for lunch today...so exciting! For me. I just realized that those of you reading this may not be so jump-up-and-down excited about what I have to eat for lunch :) But anyway, it was good. Saturday was not as good because for whatever reason I had a hard time actually listening to myself about what I wanted and instead just ate whatever was handy, which made me feel like crap. So Saturday was an exercise in not beating myself up over food choices. Challenging.
Today is run number four. I think I will do the same as Friday, 30 second jogging intervals with a 2 minute walking break. I may increase the distance and go twice around the park before going home. We'll see how I feel. My right achilles tendon feels much better after the weekend. I had one of those icy hot patches on it for most of Sunday and it seems to be a little less achy and tight. I am still going to try to stretch it and warm it up before I really get going tonight.
I got my new swimsuit and goggles in the mail on Friday and everything fits, so now I have no excuse not to go swimming tomorrow. I'm still just a little terrified of the whole thing, but actually I'm not so much afraid of being in my swimsuit in public as I am just being out of place in general. What if I get there and there are no lanes available? What if I have to share a lane but I am so super slow that I irritate the other swimmers? Wow, I feel better just having said those things 'out loud'. Slow or not, I have just as much right to swim laps there as anyone else. Screw 'em.
Well, back to work! Have a fabulous Monday :)
Friday, April 13, 2007
Level 3
Today's run was definitely different. It was, as I thought, more difficult to get my ass out the door to run than it has been any other time. T was a huge help though, because she got my running clothes together so I could just come in the door and throw everything on and start walking before I could think of a reason not to. It was a little rough getting myself out the door though, because I had planned to wear my new shorts that I got from the fat girl sports clothing warehouse (www.junonia.com), but when I tried them on, they didn't quite fit. It was so frustrating because they are these awesome double-layered shorts with spandex as the under-layer and nylon as the top layer and they're stitched together at the leg so they won't ride up. Basically a fat runner's dream. Anyway, I was so bummed and frustrated that I started thinking to myself , "maybe I'm just too fat to do this...maybe I should give up". Luckily, T was there to set me straight and remind me that, fat or not, I had already gone out running twice, so I might as well get out there and go do it again. So I did.
Another reason today's run was different was that it wasn't raining. It was actually kind of perfect weather to get outside and go to the park, and plenty of people in the neighborhood had done just that, so there were many more people to deal with this time. It kind of felt like I've been running inside a video game and today I advanced to level three, where you not only have to deal with your own physicality, now you have to deal with the possible judgment of the people around you. It was interesting, and for the most part, people just ignored me. One woman walking her dog said hello, one coed group of twentysomethings said something mildly insulting to me and laughed about it (I didn't quite catch what they said), and two guys in a car catcalled at me as I was on my way home (I like to think it was because I looked so good in my running outfit :). When I told T about the twentysomethings, she started to get upset for me, but I realized at that moment that it really hadn't bothered me when they said whatever they said, because I was f-ing RUNNING. Screw 'em. I had nothing to be ashamed of at that moment...I was in the middle of accomplishing my goal.
Anyway, the nitty gritty: I did 30-second jogging segments today, and I tried to only give myself 2 minutes of recovery walking segments in between, so I got some good running in. And all this with people around, so I'm proud of that. I still have the issue with my shoulders tensing up, so I'm still working on that, plus my right achilles tendon has started to bother me a bit so I am going to maybe get a brace for it or tape it up or something before I go again. It's not a horrible pain or anything, just a little tightness. Maybe I just need to do some extra stretching and warming up on that ankle before I start running next time.
I've been thinking about the upcoming 5k and getting a little nervous because I do NOT want to be the last one to finish. I looked on the website for the race and the last finishers in 2006 had a time of just over an hour. So I have to get to the point where I can run/walk 5k in under an hour. It's not an insurmountable goal, but right now it's taking me about half an hour to do a little over a mile (I measured my approximate route on www.favoriteruns.com), so I definitely have my work cut out for me. As it gets closer to race time I am going to do several practice 3 mile run/walks, so hopefully I will be able to know ahead of time if I'm going to make my goal. And frankly, if I'm last, I'm last. I just hope it doesn't take me like twice as long as everyone else or something. I really don't want that kind of attention on me.
That's all for now. I'm thinking of reopening this blog and making it public. The more I think about it, the more I realize I have nothing at all to hide. And just maybe, one day some other fat girl will be thinking about running and wondering if she can really do it and will be reassured by the crap I went through. You never know...:)
Another reason today's run was different was that it wasn't raining. It was actually kind of perfect weather to get outside and go to the park, and plenty of people in the neighborhood had done just that, so there were many more people to deal with this time. It kind of felt like I've been running inside a video game and today I advanced to level three, where you not only have to deal with your own physicality, now you have to deal with the possible judgment of the people around you. It was interesting, and for the most part, people just ignored me. One woman walking her dog said hello, one coed group of twentysomethings said something mildly insulting to me and laughed about it (I didn't quite catch what they said), and two guys in a car catcalled at me as I was on my way home (I like to think it was because I looked so good in my running outfit :). When I told T about the twentysomethings, she started to get upset for me, but I realized at that moment that it really hadn't bothered me when they said whatever they said, because I was f-ing RUNNING. Screw 'em. I had nothing to be ashamed of at that moment...I was in the middle of accomplishing my goal.
Anyway, the nitty gritty: I did 30-second jogging segments today, and I tried to only give myself 2 minutes of recovery walking segments in between, so I got some good running in. And all this with people around, so I'm proud of that. I still have the issue with my shoulders tensing up, so I'm still working on that, plus my right achilles tendon has started to bother me a bit so I am going to maybe get a brace for it or tape it up or something before I go again. It's not a horrible pain or anything, just a little tightness. Maybe I just need to do some extra stretching and warming up on that ankle before I start running next time.
I've been thinking about the upcoming 5k and getting a little nervous because I do NOT want to be the last one to finish. I looked on the website for the race and the last finishers in 2006 had a time of just over an hour. So I have to get to the point where I can run/walk 5k in under an hour. It's not an insurmountable goal, but right now it's taking me about half an hour to do a little over a mile (I measured my approximate route on www.favoriteruns.com), so I definitely have my work cut out for me. As it gets closer to race time I am going to do several practice 3 mile run/walks, so hopefully I will be able to know ahead of time if I'm going to make my goal. And frankly, if I'm last, I'm last. I just hope it doesn't take me like twice as long as everyone else or something. I really don't want that kind of attention on me.
That's all for now. I'm thinking of reopening this blog and making it public. The more I think about it, the more I realize I have nothing at all to hide. And just maybe, one day some other fat girl will be thinking about running and wondering if she can really do it and will be reassured by the crap I went through. You never know...:)
Thursday, April 12, 2007
I'm talking about a revolution!
Okay, the second run is the hardest, but I still got out there and did it so I'm proud of that. Yesterday when I got home, it was super windy and rainy outside, plus we had to leave soon to go to my parents' house for my aunt's birthday, PLUS we still had to stop and buy her a birthday present, so I had plenty of good, juicy excuses to not go out walk/running. The one stroke of genius, my saving grace, was that I had asked T to put a harness and a leash on our dog Chutney and she just looked so excited about the prospect of going for a walk that I couldn't dream of denying her. It was fun walking with the dog, but the funny part is that she doesn't like to stop jogging so when I come to the end of my short jogging interval, she's still raring to go! She was also super-interested in everyone in the park and tended to try to pull me over to people, but luckily there weren't that many people out because of the weather so it wasn't that big of a deal.
So there are a couple of reasons the second run is the hardest. First, I was still kind of riding the high from Monday and feeling like a big badass, so I was very close to rationalizing that, "hey, I don't have to do another one right away...I can just wait a few more days and then do it again". Secondly, when I finally did get out there and start walking, I realized that in the euphoria after my first walk/run, I had kind of blocked out how much hard work it actually was to do the walking/running. After the first run, the only thing I remembered was that it wasn't as hard as I had expected. During the second run, since I expected it to be not so hard, it felt a million times harder than I expected. The next step in this theory, I think, is that the third run is going to be the hardest to get myself motivated to do since the second was so difficult physically. I'm anticipating this and I'm going to make sure I have everything ready to go when I get home tomorrow so I can just throw on my running clothes and sneakers and get out the door before the negative voices start.
I read an article on runnersworld.com about the perfect running form yesterday, so I tried to really pay attention to how I was holding my body while I jogged. It really does make a difference, and I don't know why I'm so surprised, but I found that if I kept my head up and my pelvis centered and pushed off of the balls of my feet, the actual running felt much easier. I do seem to have an issue with lifting my shoulders when I run which tends to focus a lot of tension in my neck and back, so I tried to keep that to a minimum and just shake it out when I felt my shoulders tensing up. I tried to fit in a few more jogging sections and I managed to do 20 or 30 seconds of jogging on some of them instead of just 15, so there is some definite progress being made.
I ordered a swimsuit and some goggles the other day, so as soon as I get them I will check out the Columbia Park Pool on my non-running days. I think swimming will be a great cross-training activity, especially since I'm carrying a lot more weight than your average runner and it will be good to take the pressure off of my joints. The big challenge with swimming is emotional, as I am a little nervous about being out in public in a swimsuit, but I think if I can block out that anxiety and just get myself in the pool, I can really get a good, solid workout. It will be exciting to reclaim a physical activity I haven't really done since I was a kid. I feel the same way about biking. One of my goals for the future is to get a bike and just go crazy riding around the neighborhood. I could probably even use it for part of my commute, but I'm not sure I want to start toting a bike around town. That's an issue for the future, anyway. I'm not quite ready for biking yet.
The food thing is going really well, actually. The key seems to be to prepare my own food. Not only do I then get to control what's in it and only put in stuff I actually like, but the simple act of thinking about what I would like to prepare and eat helps me tune in and stay conscious of the choices I am making. I can't believe how much I have eaten in my life without even thinking about it. Frequently in the past, the most important thing about what I was going to have for dinner was, "what can I get someone to bring to me?". There's just this whole dynamic of not caring about what goes into my body or how it makes me feel that I am so glad to be rid of. I'm not saying I'm just over here eating alfalfa sprouts or boiled chicken or something. If I am sincerely craving a burger from Wendy's, my ass is going to go get a burger from Wendy's. The point is to really check in and listen to myself, because honestly, more often than not, I really really DON'T want a burger from Wendy's.
I'm also amazed at how little I can actually eat during the day and still feel satisfied. Yesterday all I had for lunch was a mixed green salad with a diced breast of chicken (tossed with a few tbsp of sweet basil dressing), about 10 almonds, and a pear(some of it cut up into the salad..mmm!). I'm not trying to be all "girl on a diet" with this, but it was just a cool feeling to be in touch with what was going on in my stomach. I have to keep reassuring myself in my head that if I want more, I will have more. If I want something non-diety, I will get it for myself.
That's all for now. I had a job interview yesterday, but I'm not sure what will come of it. Watch this space for updates!
So there are a couple of reasons the second run is the hardest. First, I was still kind of riding the high from Monday and feeling like a big badass, so I was very close to rationalizing that, "hey, I don't have to do another one right away...I can just wait a few more days and then do it again". Secondly, when I finally did get out there and start walking, I realized that in the euphoria after my first walk/run, I had kind of blocked out how much hard work it actually was to do the walking/running. After the first run, the only thing I remembered was that it wasn't as hard as I had expected. During the second run, since I expected it to be not so hard, it felt a million times harder than I expected. The next step in this theory, I think, is that the third run is going to be the hardest to get myself motivated to do since the second was so difficult physically. I'm anticipating this and I'm going to make sure I have everything ready to go when I get home tomorrow so I can just throw on my running clothes and sneakers and get out the door before the negative voices start.
I read an article on runnersworld.com about the perfect running form yesterday, so I tried to really pay attention to how I was holding my body while I jogged. It really does make a difference, and I don't know why I'm so surprised, but I found that if I kept my head up and my pelvis centered and pushed off of the balls of my feet, the actual running felt much easier. I do seem to have an issue with lifting my shoulders when I run which tends to focus a lot of tension in my neck and back, so I tried to keep that to a minimum and just shake it out when I felt my shoulders tensing up. I tried to fit in a few more jogging sections and I managed to do 20 or 30 seconds of jogging on some of them instead of just 15, so there is some definite progress being made.
I ordered a swimsuit and some goggles the other day, so as soon as I get them I will check out the Columbia Park Pool on my non-running days. I think swimming will be a great cross-training activity, especially since I'm carrying a lot more weight than your average runner and it will be good to take the pressure off of my joints. The big challenge with swimming is emotional, as I am a little nervous about being out in public in a swimsuit, but I think if I can block out that anxiety and just get myself in the pool, I can really get a good, solid workout. It will be exciting to reclaim a physical activity I haven't really done since I was a kid. I feel the same way about biking. One of my goals for the future is to get a bike and just go crazy riding around the neighborhood. I could probably even use it for part of my commute, but I'm not sure I want to start toting a bike around town. That's an issue for the future, anyway. I'm not quite ready for biking yet.
The food thing is going really well, actually. The key seems to be to prepare my own food. Not only do I then get to control what's in it and only put in stuff I actually like, but the simple act of thinking about what I would like to prepare and eat helps me tune in and stay conscious of the choices I am making. I can't believe how much I have eaten in my life without even thinking about it. Frequently in the past, the most important thing about what I was going to have for dinner was, "what can I get someone to bring to me?". There's just this whole dynamic of not caring about what goes into my body or how it makes me feel that I am so glad to be rid of. I'm not saying I'm just over here eating alfalfa sprouts or boiled chicken or something. If I am sincerely craving a burger from Wendy's, my ass is going to go get a burger from Wendy's. The point is to really check in and listen to myself, because honestly, more often than not, I really really DON'T want a burger from Wendy's.
I'm also amazed at how little I can actually eat during the day and still feel satisfied. Yesterday all I had for lunch was a mixed green salad with a diced breast of chicken (tossed with a few tbsp of sweet basil dressing), about 10 almonds, and a pear(some of it cut up into the salad..mmm!). I'm not trying to be all "girl on a diet" with this, but it was just a cool feeling to be in touch with what was going on in my stomach. I have to keep reassuring myself in my head that if I want more, I will have more. If I want something non-diety, I will get it for myself.
That's all for now. I had a job interview yesterday, but I'm not sure what will come of it. Watch this space for updates!
Monday, April 9, 2007
I ran!
So I had planned to start my training regimen this morning, but last night T and I made the mistake of getting plastered and by the time we went to bed I was so tired and crappy-feeling that I just decided against it (I've been sick for almost two weeks now with some random cold/cough type thing that just will not go away). So anyway, tonight on my way home I noticed that the weather was kind of yucky and drizzly and I was thinking that maybe there wouldn't be a lot of people outside because of the weather, so I just did it! I got home, fed the dogs, threw on some old knit pants and a shirt and my sneakers and I just started walking. I felt pretty foolish for a little while because some of my neighbors were outside, but I soon realized that they didn't really give a shit that I was walking down the street, so I managed to get over myself. I walked to Columbia Park and then when I got to the park I started walking on the asphalt path that circles the park. I had been debating whether I was going to try to run at all or whether I would just walk and be happy with that. I came to a secluded bend in the path so I decided to give it a shot. I had no idea whatsoever what I was going to be able to do, so I just started really small by jogging 15 seconds and then walking until I was ready to jog again. I did 5 jogging intervals and walked the rest, and by the third time jogging I could really feel my body start to get into it and it felt just a little easier than the previous times. The fifth time, I was so exhilarated to be running that I didn't even wait until I was out of sight of everyone in the park, a very big step for me. Anyway, when I finished my circuit of the park I walked home. I had planned to walk/jog for at least 30 minutes and I was out there for 35 in total, so I definitely met that goal. I did my best to stretch afterwards but I'll know if I missed a spot tomorrow if something is sore.
I'm totally psyched that I finally got started. Yay!
I'm totally psyched that I finally got started. Yay!
Thursday, April 5, 2007
Goals
Okay, so my brother responded to me about yesterday's post and this morning I was feeling particularly inspired, so I did a search for European marathons because one of my goals is for us to run a marathon together. Anyway, one of the links that came up was www.marathonrookie.com which has a lot of good, inspirational info on it about training and running and I started to really think about the possibility of me...really running a marathon. Incredible, right? The more I read and the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I needed to make some actual goals if I was ever going to get started. So guess what? I registered for this: http://www.terrapinevents.com/tabor_reg.htm
It's a 5k run/walk and it isn't until June, so I'm going to work up to running and walking that distance over the next several weeks. I think I should be able to run at least a little of it by June. There are a ton of other 5k and 10k events in the Portland area, so if I like this one I can sign up for more and work up to being able to run the whole thing! So it's not a bad goal, I think. Couch potato to 5k runner in 8 weeks? I think it can be done.
So here's the deal...I'm going to start getting up early and running a little in my neighborhood. It has to be early because I have to get back in time to get ready for work, but also because I don't want to worry about my neighbors staring at me. Not that they actually would or that they would care, but I get paranoid so I don't want to even have to think about someone else being out there and watching me run like a goober.
I went to the store yesterday and got some groceries for T and myself. We both made up our own lists of what we wanted, so we're trying to keep that separated so we both can deal with our own food issues ourselves. I finally got some good tea leaves and a strainer so I can make my own loose leaf tea at work, then I bought one of those clear polycarbonate water bottles. The idea was to brew a big bottle of tea and then drink it all day long, but alas...the tea strainer I bought doesn't fit in the damn bottle. I'll have to figure something else out...this morning I actually made the tea in a big bowl and then poured it into the bottle which worked okay but was kind of awkward. I am having this great green earl grey tea though, and I am enjoying it immensely. I f-ing love New Seasons for having the bulk tea. I got a little of three different kinds....I love the bulk tea because I don't have to commit a huge amount of money to buy a big canister of leaves before I know whether or not I will like the tea at all. This was actually one of the things I was so excited about moving to Portland for...the bulk tea! The other big one was that you don't have to pump your own gas ;)
That's all for now!
It's a 5k run/walk and it isn't until June, so I'm going to work up to running and walking that distance over the next several weeks. I think I should be able to run at least a little of it by June. There are a ton of other 5k and 10k events in the Portland area, so if I like this one I can sign up for more and work up to being able to run the whole thing! So it's not a bad goal, I think. Couch potato to 5k runner in 8 weeks? I think it can be done.
So here's the deal...I'm going to start getting up early and running a little in my neighborhood. It has to be early because I have to get back in time to get ready for work, but also because I don't want to worry about my neighbors staring at me. Not that they actually would or that they would care, but I get paranoid so I don't want to even have to think about someone else being out there and watching me run like a goober.
I went to the store yesterday and got some groceries for T and myself. We both made up our own lists of what we wanted, so we're trying to keep that separated so we both can deal with our own food issues ourselves. I finally got some good tea leaves and a strainer so I can make my own loose leaf tea at work, then I bought one of those clear polycarbonate water bottles. The idea was to brew a big bottle of tea and then drink it all day long, but alas...the tea strainer I bought doesn't fit in the damn bottle. I'll have to figure something else out...this morning I actually made the tea in a big bowl and then poured it into the bottle which worked okay but was kind of awkward. I am having this great green earl grey tea though, and I am enjoying it immensely. I f-ing love New Seasons for having the bulk tea. I got a little of three different kinds....I love the bulk tea because I don't have to commit a huge amount of money to buy a big canister of leaves before I know whether or not I will like the tea at all. This was actually one of the things I was so excited about moving to Portland for...the bulk tea! The other big one was that you don't have to pump your own gas ;)
That's all for now!
Wednesday, April 4, 2007
Dieting and Self Respect?
Okay, so here's my dilemma. I'm done with the whole fat thing, right? So I'm ready to lose the weight, move forward, etc. The problem is, I've done a LOT of work over the past 10 years or so to deal with the fact that I'm fat and to accept myself as I am and be as happy as I can about it. So now that I'm done with the fat thing, how can I get rid of the fat without destroying my painstakingly-constructed fat-accepting shell? Is it actually possible to lose weight and change the way you eat and exercise without simultaneously destroying the value you found in the way you were? Plus a big part of the whole fat acceptance thing was the idea that "diets don't work", and I believe that pretty strongly, but I can't just eat crap either, right? If I've spent the last 10 years of my life scoffing at women who were buying into the whole "I should be smaller to be more attractive to men, so I'm bad if I eat this cookie" idea, how do I then turn around and join them without losing respect for myself?
This is doubly hard because T and I made a lot of this journey through fat acceptance together, and of course we live together and more often than not we buy food together and eat together. So I have a hard time not feeling scrutinized, just a little bit, if I start making food choices that are different from what I/we have chosen in the past. Say I decide to have a salad or something instead of a burger at Wendy's. Simultaneously it feels like I am rejecting her, rejecting myself, and buying into the pathetic anti-feminist smaller=better thing. Why does food have to be so political? It's hard enough for me to just figure out what I would like to eat without having to worry about what implications it will have or what it will make someone think of me or how eating it will affect my body size. Life would be so much simpler if we were all just taking food pills for nourishment and it wasn't this big complicated mess.
Exercise is an issue too...it's a little easier to maintain the idea that I'm exercising to be stronger and run marathons and do more fun stuff, but the people at the gym still look at me like I'm the special olympics kid who just crossed the finish line. I can hear them saying "good for you!" in their heads. I hate that shit. That's why it's so tough to go to the gym...it's not about the actual working out, it's about the other people there. Though I know that the majority of my issues with the other people at the gym and, frankly, about other people's opinions of what I eat, are probably just in my head. Most of the people at the gym probably don't give a shit about what the big fat girl is doing on the treadmill, right? And most people are too busy with their own lunches to worry about what I'm eating, I'm sure. I just wish I could control the voices in my head that are paranoid about that shit.
This is doubly hard because T and I made a lot of this journey through fat acceptance together, and of course we live together and more often than not we buy food together and eat together. So I have a hard time not feeling scrutinized, just a little bit, if I start making food choices that are different from what I/we have chosen in the past. Say I decide to have a salad or something instead of a burger at Wendy's. Simultaneously it feels like I am rejecting her, rejecting myself, and buying into the pathetic anti-feminist smaller=better thing. Why does food have to be so political? It's hard enough for me to just figure out what I would like to eat without having to worry about what implications it will have or what it will make someone think of me or how eating it will affect my body size. Life would be so much simpler if we were all just taking food pills for nourishment and it wasn't this big complicated mess.
Exercise is an issue too...it's a little easier to maintain the idea that I'm exercising to be stronger and run marathons and do more fun stuff, but the people at the gym still look at me like I'm the special olympics kid who just crossed the finish line. I can hear them saying "good for you!" in their heads. I hate that shit. That's why it's so tough to go to the gym...it's not about the actual working out, it's about the other people there. Though I know that the majority of my issues with the other people at the gym and, frankly, about other people's opinions of what I eat, are probably just in my head. Most of the people at the gym probably don't give a shit about what the big fat girl is doing on the treadmill, right? And most people are too busy with their own lunches to worry about what I'm eating, I'm sure. I just wish I could control the voices in my head that are paranoid about that shit.
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