I woke up early this morning and couldn't get back to sleep so after checking my email and making the usual internet rounds, I found myself looking back through my flickr photostream. I've been posting photos on flickr since sometime in February and those of you who have read that far back know that Feb to now has been a pretty significant section of my life, what with the moving out, the doomed fledgling new hetero experimentation, the dealing with living on my own, etc. I've been doing the 365 days project since about Feb and as I went back I could tell which photos I was totally miserable in, which ones it was all I could do to smile or attempt to look like I didn't feel like the world was swallowing me whole. The thing I like the most about looking at the photos is that it reminds me that I don't feel that way anymore. Yes, this is still hard and yes, I still have a lot of personal growth to do (who doesn't?), but lately I feel like I have the tiniest bit of traction in a positive direction and I may even emerge from this maelstrom a wiser, more fully formed person instead of just a quivering, terrified mess.
I volunteered with the Washington County Bicycle Transportation Coalition yesterday, monitoring the bike parking at the Oregon Brewer's Fest. It was actually a lot of fun and I'm very glad I went. There sure are a lot of bike-riding, beer-loving folks in Portland. The volunteering wasn't all that taxing, I just had to tell each new cyclist how the system works (like a coat check, you tape one ticket to your bike and tear off the other part to claim your bike later) and show them where to park their bike. Piece of cake! I got a free mug and a dozen tokens to use at the brewfest for volunteering, but by the time I was done with my shift I was too tired and hot to enjoy it. I'll probably just keep the mug as a souvenir and use the tokens next year.
Oh also? I actually managed to remember to bring sunscreen and apply it every couple of hours, and I DIDN'T GET A SUNBURN, if you can believe it. It's true. Not even on my nose :)
Last night I went to another party full of folks I don't know (this is becoming a regular thing for me, apparently). Actually, I had met a few of them at the dance party a few weeks ago, but it was still pretty terrifying to just walk into a party I had only been peripherally invited to and pretend I totally belonged there. Beer helped. There was a little dancing but not nearly as much as the last one. I had a great time though...good people.
This afternoon I am going on a brunch cruise down the Willamette for my mom's birthday (see photos). I'm planning to wear a dress, which is very unlike me, but lately I've been trying to break out of my fashion box a little and try new things. It recently occurred to me that I totally dress to blend in as much as possible and I have some really rigid ideas about which shirt can go with which pants and which earrings I am allowed to wear and that all the colors of everything have to be complementary in some way. I bought a bunch of new clothes from the Roaman's catalog a few weeks ago, things that I would have skipped right over in the past. I loved nearly every single thing I tried on and it was a real eye-opener for me. Perhaps it's okay if my shirt has a pattern on it. Perhaps the world won't end if I wear a larger than usual hair accessory or pair of earrings. Perhaps I can actually stand out a little and not be so afraid of making an impression. Interesting ideas...and they'll take some getting used to, but right now I am loving the process.
xo
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Thursday
I got an A on my last graphic design project (the one from Monday)! Woo! Also we have a midterm coming up next Monday that I think I will do pretty well on. I just have to pass with a B to continue in the program, so right now I think I might be okay.
I'm still knee-deep in post-its trying to get things ready for the new hires and for school to start on Aug 4th. I just found out we might only get to hire four of the candidates right now and add one in a few weeks if we need them. This bites because then that person won't get to attend all of the training sessions we have planned next week and will have to catch up. Also, we already offered the job to five people so now we have to go back to one of them and say 'never mind'. That kind of sucks from a human point of view. The director's going to try to get upper management to change their minds this afternoon, so we'll see. I hope he succeeds.
I no longer feel like I am living alone in the basement because it seems everywhere I go there is a spider of some kind building a web or crawling on my stuff. I actually don't mind them, though for while I was a little startled when spiders scurried out of nowhere and into my eyeline. Now I'm pretty used to them. I've even named a few. One thing that concerns me, though, is that yesterday when I checked in with the spider that lives on my coat (Shirley), she had another spider's LEGS in her web with her. The body was missing, it was only legs! WTF? T suggested that maybe there aren't enough flies in the room to keep everyone satisfied so they've taken to eating each other. I just hope Shirley doesn't start eyeing me. I'd be a big meal for a spider...:)
xo
update: hee..there's a fly in my room. I can almost hear them all licking their lips (do spiders have lips?)
I'm still knee-deep in post-its trying to get things ready for the new hires and for school to start on Aug 4th. I just found out we might only get to hire four of the candidates right now and add one in a few weeks if we need them. This bites because then that person won't get to attend all of the training sessions we have planned next week and will have to catch up. Also, we already offered the job to five people so now we have to go back to one of them and say 'never mind'. That kind of sucks from a human point of view. The director's going to try to get upper management to change their minds this afternoon, so we'll see. I hope he succeeds.
I no longer feel like I am living alone in the basement because it seems everywhere I go there is a spider of some kind building a web or crawling on my stuff. I actually don't mind them, though for while I was a little startled when spiders scurried out of nowhere and into my eyeline. Now I'm pretty used to them. I've even named a few. One thing that concerns me, though, is that yesterday when I checked in with the spider that lives on my coat (Shirley), she had another spider's LEGS in her web with her. The body was missing, it was only legs! WTF? T suggested that maybe there aren't enough flies in the room to keep everyone satisfied so they've taken to eating each other. I just hope Shirley doesn't start eyeing me. I'd be a big meal for a spider...:)
xo
update: hee..there's a fly in my room. I can almost hear them all licking their lips (do spiders have lips?)
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Finally, some good stuff!
While last week wasn't exactly worse than the one before it (I wasn't hit by a bus or anything), it was still pretty frustrating and emotionally confusing. I am so new to this hetero thing (though sometimes I wonder if there's a point where I will cease to be 'new' at it and will commence being simply 'bad' at it) and all the rules and the thing about the calling and not calling and showing interest and not showing interest, I just don't get it. This is where being gay was so much easier because I am kind of, let's say, assertive, and without the constriction of gender roles in place I was free to be as forward as I wanted to be without worrying about being viewed as an overly aggressive woman (we all know the world does not love overly aggressive women). Anyway, I meant what I said last week about not needing to be with anybody right now, but it would make me feel a lot better to understand it all.
This week is already shaping up to be much more enjoyable than last week. Yesterday I actually had a completely positive experience in graphic design class, if you can believe it. We had this project where we had to choose from a variety of black and white shapes to create a design, then we all put our projects on the board and critiqued them. I liked what I had come up with, but it wasn't until I saw everyone else's that I felt reassured that I was actually meant to be in this class and not just a total design failure. There were some really innovative, interesting designs and there were some designs that could use a few changes, but my design was definitely successful and got a lot of positive comments during the critique session. Afterwards we started a new project, in which we are going to redesign an ad. The technique we were working on was thumbnailing which is basically making a series of tiny sketches of the ad layout to generate ideas. For once, I was just as fast as everyone else and I almost completed the two pages of thumbnails before the end of class. The technique works, too, because I have some great ideas now about how I'm going to redesign the ad.
Another enjoyable thing that's going on is we have five new hires starting next week at work. They are all going to be on my team, so this week I've been busy figuring out what training they will need and how they are going to get it. I love a good project, especially if it has the potential to make an actual difference in how our team works when our call volume goes up in two weeks. Last year school started on my third day and it was a real nightmare because we didn't have enough folks to handle the call volume and we had just started supporting this program so everything was a learning process. This time around, hopefully we have learned some things and we will be able to apply that knowledge and have things run more smoothly. We'll see.
I signed on with a new personal trainer this weekend. This one used to be around 300 lbs then she lost about 100 of it with a personal trainer and then decided she wanted to be one herself. I actually read on her website that one of her clients is a prominent (to me anyway) fat activist here in Portland, so I'm pretty excited about training with her. My big goal for the training is to get into shape for the 2009 Portland Marathon, but I'm also hoping being more regularly active will make me less afraid of riding my bike. I'm totally psyched!
xo
This week is already shaping up to be much more enjoyable than last week. Yesterday I actually had a completely positive experience in graphic design class, if you can believe it. We had this project where we had to choose from a variety of black and white shapes to create a design, then we all put our projects on the board and critiqued them. I liked what I had come up with, but it wasn't until I saw everyone else's that I felt reassured that I was actually meant to be in this class and not just a total design failure. There were some really innovative, interesting designs and there were some designs that could use a few changes, but my design was definitely successful and got a lot of positive comments during the critique session. Afterwards we started a new project, in which we are going to redesign an ad. The technique we were working on was thumbnailing which is basically making a series of tiny sketches of the ad layout to generate ideas. For once, I was just as fast as everyone else and I almost completed the two pages of thumbnails before the end of class. The technique works, too, because I have some great ideas now about how I'm going to redesign the ad.
Another enjoyable thing that's going on is we have five new hires starting next week at work. They are all going to be on my team, so this week I've been busy figuring out what training they will need and how they are going to get it. I love a good project, especially if it has the potential to make an actual difference in how our team works when our call volume goes up in two weeks. Last year school started on my third day and it was a real nightmare because we didn't have enough folks to handle the call volume and we had just started supporting this program so everything was a learning process. This time around, hopefully we have learned some things and we will be able to apply that knowledge and have things run more smoothly. We'll see.
I signed on with a new personal trainer this weekend. This one used to be around 300 lbs then she lost about 100 of it with a personal trainer and then decided she wanted to be one herself. I actually read on her website that one of her clients is a prominent (to me anyway) fat activist here in Portland, so I'm pretty excited about training with her. My big goal for the training is to get into shape for the 2009 Portland Marathon, but I'm also hoping being more regularly active will make me less afraid of riding my bike. I'm totally psyched!
xo
Friday, July 18, 2008
On relationships...sort of
Does anyone else notice that all of the creatures in the new Hellboy movie look exactly like the ones from Pan's Labyrinth? Yes, I know it's the same director, but I'm just sayin'...COME on!
I've been doing some big thinking this morning. Since the breakup with T I have kind of been in emergency mode, putting out fires, not able to see beyond two feet in front of me. According to Pema (and you know girl is always right), this is a totally normal thing that happens when "things fall apart" and people scramble to get any kind of ground under their feet so they can feel normal again. The positive side of things falling apart is that it gives you the opportunity to try new things and reinvent yourself, but most folks' instincts are to grab for things that are familiar and comfortable, dysfunctional as they may be, to get back to feeling like themselves as quickly as possible.
Anyway, I realized that I have totally been doing this. I mean sure, I've done some superficially new things, like taking classes and going on trips by myself and going to parties and movies by myself, etc. Underneath it all though, all I have really wanted, the thing that seemed like the ultimate point of all of this personal growth, was to be back in a relationship again. I almost didn't even care who I was in a relationship with. I just wanted someone there to share things, laugh at my jokes, go to movies, hang out on holidays, you get the picture. I finally realize why it's necessary to take a break after getting out of a long term relationship because I have been going about this stuff in kind of a seriously fucked up way.
At first, the idea was just to prove something to myself (and others, I suppose), that I hadn't made this huge mistake about my sexuality, that I would be deemed 'acceptable' and even possibly 'appealing' by straight men. This one was a big deal because there were plenty of messages from my youth as well as the overwhelming message from society and the media these days that if you are a woman who is a certain amount of fat, no man is ever going to want to touch you. The result of that idea is that I felt like I was less than, that I needed to just grab onto the first guy who said hello and make it work, no matter what. Well I did, and it didn't work, it just made us both pretty miserable. I have since learned, through my own experiences and by meeting several happily-coupled fat women through COFRA, that the idea that men don't like fat girls is just untrue. Sure, I'm not every man's cup of tea, but nobody is, really, even if they fit society's ideal body type. And frankly, there are a lot of obnoxious men out there who wouldn't appeal to me even if they were interested.
Lately my fear has been what if I never meet anyone who fits me again? What if there's nobody out there who gets me, who will really understand what I'm talking about, who will share my inside jokes? The effect of this one is that whenever I meet someone who seems to remotely get what I'm talking about and has the same sense of humor as me, part of my brain is like "okay, he'll do!" and sets about pursuing this person without a second thought. There's no room for patience, there's no room for becoming friends first, because the ultimate goal as you remember is to just be with SOMEONE. That's messed up.
So I've realized, finally, that I am really not ready to be with someone right now. My judgment is just out of whack...my priorities aren't straight...and if I get involved with anyone while I'm feeling like this, I am liable to make a huge mistake. And while I recognize that sometimes relationships just don't last forever and it's not the end of the world, I sure as hell want the next long term relationship I am in to actually work.
Anyway, that's what's going on in my head. I hope you are all having a great Friday :)
xo
I've been doing some big thinking this morning. Since the breakup with T I have kind of been in emergency mode, putting out fires, not able to see beyond two feet in front of me. According to Pema (and you know girl is always right), this is a totally normal thing that happens when "things fall apart" and people scramble to get any kind of ground under their feet so they can feel normal again. The positive side of things falling apart is that it gives you the opportunity to try new things and reinvent yourself, but most folks' instincts are to grab for things that are familiar and comfortable, dysfunctional as they may be, to get back to feeling like themselves as quickly as possible.
Anyway, I realized that I have totally been doing this. I mean sure, I've done some superficially new things, like taking classes and going on trips by myself and going to parties and movies by myself, etc. Underneath it all though, all I have really wanted, the thing that seemed like the ultimate point of all of this personal growth, was to be back in a relationship again. I almost didn't even care who I was in a relationship with. I just wanted someone there to share things, laugh at my jokes, go to movies, hang out on holidays, you get the picture. I finally realize why it's necessary to take a break after getting out of a long term relationship because I have been going about this stuff in kind of a seriously fucked up way.
At first, the idea was just to prove something to myself (and others, I suppose), that I hadn't made this huge mistake about my sexuality, that I would be deemed 'acceptable' and even possibly 'appealing' by straight men. This one was a big deal because there were plenty of messages from my youth as well as the overwhelming message from society and the media these days that if you are a woman who is a certain amount of fat, no man is ever going to want to touch you. The result of that idea is that I felt like I was less than, that I needed to just grab onto the first guy who said hello and make it work, no matter what. Well I did, and it didn't work, it just made us both pretty miserable. I have since learned, through my own experiences and by meeting several happily-coupled fat women through COFRA, that the idea that men don't like fat girls is just untrue. Sure, I'm not every man's cup of tea, but nobody is, really, even if they fit society's ideal body type. And frankly, there are a lot of obnoxious men out there who wouldn't appeal to me even if they were interested.
Lately my fear has been what if I never meet anyone who fits me again? What if there's nobody out there who gets me, who will really understand what I'm talking about, who will share my inside jokes? The effect of this one is that whenever I meet someone who seems to remotely get what I'm talking about and has the same sense of humor as me, part of my brain is like "okay, he'll do!" and sets about pursuing this person without a second thought. There's no room for patience, there's no room for becoming friends first, because the ultimate goal as you remember is to just be with SOMEONE. That's messed up.
So I've realized, finally, that I am really not ready to be with someone right now. My judgment is just out of whack...my priorities aren't straight...and if I get involved with anyone while I'm feeling like this, I am liable to make a huge mistake. And while I recognize that sometimes relationships just don't last forever and it's not the end of the world, I sure as hell want the next long term relationship I am in to actually work.
Anyway, that's what's going on in my head. I hope you are all having a great Friday :)
xo
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
For once, I am at a loss for words
http://cpadian.livejournal.com/5743.html?thread=10095#t10095
Read the last comment. I included the rest of it for context.
Also, thanks to X for her kick ass reply. I especially like the parts where I might be miserable and I may appear rude. Hee! You are so awesome :) xo
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Bookcases and a good mope
Staying at B&M's was a lovely change of pace but it feels good to be back in my own space again. I still haven't quite moved in here. The day my furniture was moved in I unpacked to a certain point and then just kept living out of boxes. I keep meaning to unpack, but there's no place to put everything, especially all the books. I've had a bookcase laying on its side in the corner since I moved in because the movers said it wouldn't fit in the space. Well I don't know why, but when I got back today I got a bug up my ass to try for myself and see if I could make it fit. Surprise surprise, the movers were wrong about this one. So yay! Now I have bookcases I can actually put stuff on :)
So last week was a pretty rough one. In an act of momentary hubris I commented on a weight loss themed website and basically implied that the women there were wasting their lives by focusing on dieting. I'm pretty clearly against the idea of dieting, but it was still pretty crappy of me to get into someone's safe space and tell them they were wasting their lives. Anyway, then I wrote a smug entry on LiveJournal about it and the readers of the website got very very upset with me and left some pretty pointed comments on my LJ entry. Some of the comments hit me pretty hard, especially the one that mentioned how I don't have any friends and that it was pathetic that I had to pay someone to give me a ride home. I know the circumstances of that were not the way the commenter made them seem, but it still felt like a punch in the stomach, especially since I've been having so many lonely moments following the breakup with T. Add to that my feeling rather isolated over at B&M's and dealing with my frustrations with not being perfect in graphic design class and I definitely had a more mopey week than usual. Oh, also, Mom and I started our painting class and the instructor criticized my trees. I mean come on! The class was on the same day the entire internet decided it hated me in a pointed, personal way, so I may have overreacted a bit to him not liking my trees, but seriously...universe...give a girl a break, willya?
I can only hope this week will be a little more enjoyable. Shouldn't be too hard.
Hope you're all doing well,
xo
So last week was a pretty rough one. In an act of momentary hubris I commented on a weight loss themed website and basically implied that the women there were wasting their lives by focusing on dieting. I'm pretty clearly against the idea of dieting, but it was still pretty crappy of me to get into someone's safe space and tell them they were wasting their lives. Anyway, then I wrote a smug entry on LiveJournal about it and the readers of the website got very very upset with me and left some pretty pointed comments on my LJ entry. Some of the comments hit me pretty hard, especially the one that mentioned how I don't have any friends and that it was pathetic that I had to pay someone to give me a ride home. I know the circumstances of that were not the way the commenter made them seem, but it still felt like a punch in the stomach, especially since I've been having so many lonely moments following the breakup with T. Add to that my feeling rather isolated over at B&M's and dealing with my frustrations with not being perfect in graphic design class and I definitely had a more mopey week than usual. Oh, also, Mom and I started our painting class and the instructor criticized my trees. I mean come on! The class was on the same day the entire internet decided it hated me in a pointed, personal way, so I may have overreacted a bit to him not liking my trees, but seriously...universe...give a girl a break, willya?
I can only hope this week will be a little more enjoyable. Shouldn't be too hard.
Hope you're all doing well,
xo
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
On perfect moments and absolute perfection
I've finally found a good cafe near B&M's with free wifi. The other night I was feeling pretty grumpy and isolated (I miss my internet, you know how it is) so I gave it one last try. Marino Adriatic Cafe on Division had a giant Free WiFi sign outside (don't know how I missed it on Sunday) and a bunch of people inside, so I figured I'd check it out. It was one of those perfect, fated moments where you feel like there must be a grand plan that lead you here to this place at this particular time. When I walked in, there were two female guitarists playing and singing folk standards on the tiny stage in the corner. I ordered a double cappuccino (maybe not the best idea at 9:30 PM) and got my internet on. For a moment, all was right with the world.
This morning I felt pretty terrible so I stayed home from work. I slept for a looong time and felt a lot better when I got up, so I headed to Marino again. I had a ham panini and another double cap and now I'm feeling pretty damn good.
I have class again tonight. Monday was pretty rough because we finished up our nameplates and started on a new project, one I was sure I would knock out of the park because it involved only mat board and bristol cutting and no actual tracing or inking of anything. Remember how smug I was about my incredible ability with a utility knife? Yeah...about that...not so much. But T reminded me and I'm working hard to continue to remind myself that I am an absolute beginner to this stuff and I am not going to be perfect all the time.
What a false construct this idea of being perfect is! Somehow I assume that getting everything 'right' will mean absolute success when really if I did everything perfectly right the first time there would be no reason at all to learn anything or improve in any way. If I were perfect, my life would be so stagnant and boring all the time that I would probably go nuts. So interesting...the things we strive for in life would ultimately take all the fun out of it if we were to succeed. Maybe there is something to this gift of failure...
xo!
This morning I felt pretty terrible so I stayed home from work. I slept for a looong time and felt a lot better when I got up, so I headed to Marino again. I had a ham panini and another double cap and now I'm feeling pretty damn good.
I have class again tonight. Monday was pretty rough because we finished up our nameplates and started on a new project, one I was sure I would knock out of the park because it involved only mat board and bristol cutting and no actual tracing or inking of anything. Remember how smug I was about my incredible ability with a utility knife? Yeah...about that...not so much. But T reminded me and I'm working hard to continue to remind myself that I am an absolute beginner to this stuff and I am not going to be perfect all the time.
What a false construct this idea of being perfect is! Somehow I assume that getting everything 'right' will mean absolute success when really if I did everything perfectly right the first time there would be no reason at all to learn anything or improve in any way. If I were perfect, my life would be so stagnant and boring all the time that I would probably go nuts. So interesting...the things we strive for in life would ultimately take all the fun out of it if we were to succeed. Maybe there is something to this gift of failure...
xo!
Monday, July 7, 2008
Weekend Recap
It was definitely a weird weekend. I'm house-sitting for my brother and his wife this week so most of the day of the 4th was spent figuring out what to pack. I was fairly anxious about it because their house is such a long bus ride from mine so if I forgot something it would be a pretty big pain in the ass to retrieve it. Luckily I mentioned my anxieties to my dad later that evening and he offered to let me borrow one of their cars for a few days. Like most anxieties, this one was completely unfounded because I haven't needed to go back for anything yet.
So the afternoon/early evening of the fourth, my dad and I went to see Roman de Gare at the Living Room Theaters. I love going there for movies but it is so much more fun to go with somebody than by myself. We had dinner and drinks there too...a pretty damn good time. Afterwards I dropped him off at his house (since I was borrowing the car). I didn't have any further plans for the evening which always tends to worry me because for some reason it seems to be a worse thing to be alone on a holiday than any other random day. Luckily, T and B were up for a movie so we went to see Hancock at the Lloyd Center. Not too bad, though the plot twist was a little transparent and there were some logic problems at the end (I know, best not to think too deeply on the summer blockbuster). Jason Bateman was good in it, but he's always good.
Saturday was a nice, lazy day with no big plans. No internet at B&M's house but they are hugely into books and movies and have large libraries of both, so there was no shortage of entertainment. That night Christina and I went to a party thrown by one of the people I met at her birthday party. This meant more new folks to meet, and it seemed that the guests at this shindig were a little closer to my age, so that was cool. I had been warned ahead of time that it was going to be a dance party but I was still shocked as hell that people were actually dancing. I'm so used to the snotty above-it-all attitude some people have towards dancing that it was so refreshing to see a roomful of folks just shaking their asses and not giving a shit about how they looked doing it. Of course after a few drinks I had to join in :) I haven't danced like that since college! Woo!
Sunday was pretty relaxed as well. I missed my internet fix so I loaded the laptop into the car and went in search of a coffee shop with free wifi. I ended up at Starbucks and paid ten bucks for the internet like a sucker (not to mention how much I spent for coffee which also makes me a sucker). It didn't even occur to me until later that day that I could have just driven back to my house and used the internet for free. Sheesh. Sunday's weather was just beautiful so when I got back to B&M's I opened some doors and windows and stretched out on their sofa to read for a bit. I fell asleep a little later and had the most awesome nap, the kind you can only have when you don't have anywhere to be or any responsibilities waiting for you. T and I got together later that evening at the Kennedy School and saw Forgetting Sarah Marshall, which turned out to be really funny. We hung out and talked a little afterwards and then I went back to B&M's to crash.
Wow, I saw a lot of movies this weekend. And shook my groove thang. Not bad for a couple of days with no plans at all.
xo!
So the afternoon/early evening of the fourth, my dad and I went to see Roman de Gare at the Living Room Theaters. I love going there for movies but it is so much more fun to go with somebody than by myself. We had dinner and drinks there too...a pretty damn good time. Afterwards I dropped him off at his house (since I was borrowing the car). I didn't have any further plans for the evening which always tends to worry me because for some reason it seems to be a worse thing to be alone on a holiday than any other random day. Luckily, T and B were up for a movie so we went to see Hancock at the Lloyd Center. Not too bad, though the plot twist was a little transparent and there were some logic problems at the end (I know, best not to think too deeply on the summer blockbuster). Jason Bateman was good in it, but he's always good.
Saturday was a nice, lazy day with no big plans. No internet at B&M's house but they are hugely into books and movies and have large libraries of both, so there was no shortage of entertainment. That night Christina and I went to a party thrown by one of the people I met at her birthday party. This meant more new folks to meet, and it seemed that the guests at this shindig were a little closer to my age, so that was cool. I had been warned ahead of time that it was going to be a dance party but I was still shocked as hell that people were actually dancing. I'm so used to the snotty above-it-all attitude some people have towards dancing that it was so refreshing to see a roomful of folks just shaking their asses and not giving a shit about how they looked doing it. Of course after a few drinks I had to join in :) I haven't danced like that since college! Woo!
Sunday was pretty relaxed as well. I missed my internet fix so I loaded the laptop into the car and went in search of a coffee shop with free wifi. I ended up at Starbucks and paid ten bucks for the internet like a sucker (not to mention how much I spent for coffee which also makes me a sucker). It didn't even occur to me until later that day that I could have just driven back to my house and used the internet for free. Sheesh. Sunday's weather was just beautiful so when I got back to B&M's I opened some doors and windows and stretched out on their sofa to read for a bit. I fell asleep a little later and had the most awesome nap, the kind you can only have when you don't have anywhere to be or any responsibilities waiting for you. T and I got together later that evening at the Kennedy School and saw Forgetting Sarah Marshall, which turned out to be really funny. We hung out and talked a little afterwards and then I went back to B&M's to crash.
Wow, I saw a lot of movies this weekend. And shook my groove thang. Not bad for a couple of days with no plans at all.
xo!
Thursday, July 3, 2008
On failure and spontanaiety
So yeah, I may have mentioned before how much I like to do everything perfectly the first time. Well that is apparently not going to happen with graphic design. At least it's not with letter tracing, though I suppose that's not really the most important skill for a graphic designer to have. I'd have to say that I am only okay at letter tracing...solidly mediocre. Ugh...average. I find it to be incredibly annoying to not be The! Best! Ever! at something, but I suppose Pema would say it's an opportunity to explore the gift of sucking. One cool thing: as I was leaving class last night, the question popped into my head, "what will I do if I fail miserably at graphic design?". The answer occurred to me immediately after: "something else." It made me feel a lot better to realize that something not working out doesn't mean huge fatal catastrophe, just a minor change in direction. It's a good lesson.
So last night after class I was on my way home on the bus when my friend Christina texted me and re-invited me to meet her at a pub with a bunch of her friends for her birthday. Again, a cool thing about the single life is the freedom to just get off the bus and go wherever the hell I want whenever I want to, so I went (also I figured out in my head how the buses go and how I was going to get there and how I was going to get home, so that was an excellent independent feeling). It was sufficiently awkward to be hanging out with a bunch of people I didn't know, especially before the liquor kicked in. Eventually though, an epic discussion about Star Trek began and I felt totally in my element.
The group planned to move to another bar but I wasn't going to go with them because I had to catch the bus before it was too late and plus, 31 year olds don't really go to bars on weeknights and CERTAINLY don't go to more than one in one night. So I said my goodbyes, left the pub and headed for the bus stop. Here's where it got weird. There was a dude sitting on the little bench in the bus stop shelter so I just stood nearby. He got up and walked away and my feet were tired, so I sat down on the bench. A few minutes later, he came back, sat right next to me and asked me my name. I'm pretty used to getting hit on by creeps on the bus, and I wasn't feeling particularly chatty, so I just asked him why he wanted to know. He chuckled and touched my arm (woop! woop! woop! perimeter has been breached!) and repeated that he wanted to know my name. I told him no thank you, I didn't feel like talking and I would appreciate it if he would stop touching me and he started stroking my arm and saying "you no like?" (not a native english speaker). No, I did not like, and I was done hanging around while a strange man touches me without permission, so I left the bus stop and headed back for the pub. I met Christina and her friends outside and, since I felt pretty skeevy after my encounter at the bus stop, I went with them to the next bar.
I'm really glad I went because it ended up being a smaller, more manageable group of folks. We sat in the back corner with our fancy drinks and talked about all sorts of things, from Barbra Streisand to marijuana to Alaska. I stayed until almost 12:30 AM and managed to snag a ride home with one of Christina's friends in exchange for a little gas money (times are tough, you know). It was a good experience and I got a chance to talk to some people I really got along with that I would never have known existed if I hadn't gotten off of that bus (also if the gentleman at the bus stop hadn't taken liberties). Sure, I'm a little sleepier than usual this morning but it was still totally worth it. I love it when that happens :)
So last night after class I was on my way home on the bus when my friend Christina texted me and re-invited me to meet her at a pub with a bunch of her friends for her birthday. Again, a cool thing about the single life is the freedom to just get off the bus and go wherever the hell I want whenever I want to, so I went (also I figured out in my head how the buses go and how I was going to get there and how I was going to get home, so that was an excellent independent feeling). It was sufficiently awkward to be hanging out with a bunch of people I didn't know, especially before the liquor kicked in. Eventually though, an epic discussion about Star Trek began and I felt totally in my element.
The group planned to move to another bar but I wasn't going to go with them because I had to catch the bus before it was too late and plus, 31 year olds don't really go to bars on weeknights and CERTAINLY don't go to more than one in one night. So I said my goodbyes, left the pub and headed for the bus stop. Here's where it got weird. There was a dude sitting on the little bench in the bus stop shelter so I just stood nearby. He got up and walked away and my feet were tired, so I sat down on the bench. A few minutes later, he came back, sat right next to me and asked me my name. I'm pretty used to getting hit on by creeps on the bus, and I wasn't feeling particularly chatty, so I just asked him why he wanted to know. He chuckled and touched my arm (woop! woop! woop! perimeter has been breached!) and repeated that he wanted to know my name. I told him no thank you, I didn't feel like talking and I would appreciate it if he would stop touching me and he started stroking my arm and saying "you no like?" (not a native english speaker). No, I did not like, and I was done hanging around while a strange man touches me without permission, so I left the bus stop and headed back for the pub. I met Christina and her friends outside and, since I felt pretty skeevy after my encounter at the bus stop, I went with them to the next bar.
I'm really glad I went because it ended up being a smaller, more manageable group of folks. We sat in the back corner with our fancy drinks and talked about all sorts of things, from Barbra Streisand to marijuana to Alaska. I stayed until almost 12:30 AM and managed to snag a ride home with one of Christina's friends in exchange for a little gas money (times are tough, you know). It was a good experience and I got a chance to talk to some people I really got along with that I would never have known existed if I hadn't gotten off of that bus (also if the gentleman at the bus stop hadn't taken liberties). Sure, I'm a little sleepier than usual this morning but it was still totally worth it. I love it when that happens :)
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
A little bit about school
We had our first actual project in grapic design class yesterday. It was so exciting! The actual project is pretty mundane...we're just making a nameplate for ourselves and there's hardly any actual designing involved but still, it was exciting to finally use my t-square and utility knife and fancy pen and tracing paper and...well, all of it! As the prof was explaining the project and demonstrating the tools I was, frankly, a little terrified that I was going to screw up (I don't like doing things less than perfectly, especially in school. Yes, I am THAT person). I realized just now why taking this class scares me so much...in nearly every other class I've ever taken in my life, I have been able to get by on basic cleverness. But in this situation, it doesn't matter how quickly I can think on my feet or how easily I can pick up the material. If I can't sit down and actually trace the letters so they come out cleanly or make the right cuts with my xacto knife, I am going to be unsuccessful in this class. Anyway, once I finally got started on my project I was able to see which areas I might need more work on (the letter tracing is really hard for me...tiny, precision stuff) and which would be no problem at all (apparently I am a whiz with a utility knife..who knew?). So there is still plenty of possibility for me to succeed...I just need to work a little harder than I'm used to, I think.
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