So, remember a few months ago when my life was all about word count and plot issues and cranking out a 50,000 word novel in a month? Well I think it's time to share what I did, in all of its messy glory. Be warned: it is plenty messy. Also, everything related to my main character's job is fictionally enhanced because, when it comes down to it, the electronic evidence biz is really not all that engaging. To top it off, the main story really comes to a halt at the end of part 2 but I needed more word count so part three veers off into a completely new story and then abruptly ends. Think of it like those novel series that give you a chapter or two of the next book at the end of the one you're reading.
Those of you who know me well will recognize a lot of me in the main character, but I think that's pretty normal, especially for a first-time writer. Oh, also, she and her friends tend to curse a bit so you might want to brace yourself for that. Also I never came up with a name for Anna's workplace.
Anyway, enjoy! I welcome any and all comments.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Don't blame the fat
Thankfully, yes, I do feel better today. From the responses I got from folks I am guessing that it's true that all single people feel this frustration at one time or another, no matter what size they are. Okay. I will stop blaming my troubles on the fat.
I met a new friend of T's yesterday who is (or seems, you know) entirely fearless around men and it was so good for me to spend time with her because it opened my eyes to how exactly I am contributing to my isolated state. Generally if I'm out in public, I try my hardest to just not make a fuss and be as unobtrusive as possible. I guess it's a defense thing. But the result of that is usually that (surprise) nobody pays any attention to me and I feel pretty invisible, which is a feeling I really really hate. Anyway, last night she and T and I were at a bar playing in a poker tournament and after she and I had busted out of the tournament, we sat at the bar together and I had a chance to observe. She just up and talked to everybody, asked people their names, made conversation...it was kind of incredible to see. At one point she went outside and even I, bolstered by her demonstration, got up the courage to start a conversation with a man a couple of stools away from me. Nothing epic, we talked about scotch and tv shows and random stuff, but it was really good for me to start a conversation and have someone be receptive. I started to realize that maybe I don't have to make myself as small and quiet and not there as possible to get along in the world. Maybe I can have a presence and still be okay. Good food for thought.
I met a new friend of T's yesterday who is (or seems, you know) entirely fearless around men and it was so good for me to spend time with her because it opened my eyes to how exactly I am contributing to my isolated state. Generally if I'm out in public, I try my hardest to just not make a fuss and be as unobtrusive as possible. I guess it's a defense thing. But the result of that is usually that (surprise) nobody pays any attention to me and I feel pretty invisible, which is a feeling I really really hate. Anyway, last night she and T and I were at a bar playing in a poker tournament and after she and I had busted out of the tournament, we sat at the bar together and I had a chance to observe. She just up and talked to everybody, asked people their names, made conversation...it was kind of incredible to see. At one point she went outside and even I, bolstered by her demonstration, got up the courage to start a conversation with a man a couple of stools away from me. Nothing epic, we talked about scotch and tv shows and random stuff, but it was really good for me to start a conversation and have someone be receptive. I started to realize that maybe I don't have to make myself as small and quiet and not there as possible to get along in the world. Maybe I can have a presence and still be okay. Good food for thought.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Otherness
I am so tired of being me. I'm exhausted with the effort of being this fat girl in a world that abhors fat. I'm tired of feeling ineligible as a woman because of my size. And I'm smaller than I used to be, because I have lost weight with all the training and running, etc, but the thing I'm slowly realizing is that I am always going to be "other". I am always going to be the fat girl, even if I'm not as fat as I was. I am always going to be somewhat invisible, especially to men. It makes me so angry and frustrated to realize that no matter what other incredible qualities I have, no matter how clever or witty or caring or loving or awesome I am, all the majority of the world will see when they look at me is a fat girl. This one characteristic will determine how I am treated by the vast majority of people I will meet in my life. It's not fair. It's bullshit. But it's the way the world works and there is nothing I can do about it. I don't know if I have it in me to persevere along this path and wait to meet the man who just happens to be part of the magical 1% who consider fat to be not repulsive. It doesn't feel like a likely eventuality anymore. Every time I tell myself to just keep holding on and whoever it is will eventually show up, it just feels like a big lie. I don't really think he's coming.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Inspiration
I love participation art. By this I mean projects that invite the public to participate, especially those that ask people to reveal something about themselves to the world. A good example of this is PostSecret, a project where people send in anonymous postcards with their secrets written on them and then the most compelling ones are posted to the website. I love reading through the secrets every Sunday. Many of them are things I think or feel too, so it's like this constant reminder that I am part of the human race and not just..."other". Also, it takes courage to write your secrets down and release them into the universe, and it gives me hope that so many of my fellow humans have this courage and are able to experience the release. I haven't sent in any of my own secrets yet, but someday....
Another great example of participation art is the website Learning To Love You More. On this site, the moderators create specific (usually simple) art assignments and invite the public to do them and send in the results, which are posted online. Not only do I find it fascinating to see how all of these different people interpret the same instructions, I also feel totally inspired by the fact that these people participated at all. It's similar to how I felt when I watched the inauguration yesterday. There were thousands and thousands of people at the capitol, as far as the eye could see and farther, and it was such an uplifting feeling to realize that all of these people were inspired by this person, this idea of change, and all of them felt so strongly that they had to travel from their homes to this one place to see him sworn in and hear him speak. So that's kind of how I feel when I see everyone's collected inspiration on the LTLYM site.
A site that's less about participation art but still inspires me and makes me happy when I look at it is You Are Remarkable. They do have a bit of an art project in the works though. They've asked readers of the site to send messages to people in their lives that they think are wonderful and include the web address of the site so those people will come check it out and post the messages that were sent to them. I guess it's part art project, part buzz-generating effort, but I still like any idea that inspires people to contact the people they love and tell them how great they are. We don't do enough of that, in my opinion. We always just assume that those people know what we think of them. They probably don't.
Which makes me think...maybe I will tell them...
xo,
C
Another great example of participation art is the website Learning To Love You More. On this site, the moderators create specific (usually simple) art assignments and invite the public to do them and send in the results, which are posted online. Not only do I find it fascinating to see how all of these different people interpret the same instructions, I also feel totally inspired by the fact that these people participated at all. It's similar to how I felt when I watched the inauguration yesterday. There were thousands and thousands of people at the capitol, as far as the eye could see and farther, and it was such an uplifting feeling to realize that all of these people were inspired by this person, this idea of change, and all of them felt so strongly that they had to travel from their homes to this one place to see him sworn in and hear him speak. So that's kind of how I feel when I see everyone's collected inspiration on the LTLYM site.
A site that's less about participation art but still inspires me and makes me happy when I look at it is You Are Remarkable. They do have a bit of an art project in the works though. They've asked readers of the site to send messages to people in their lives that they think are wonderful and include the web address of the site so those people will come check it out and post the messages that were sent to them. I guess it's part art project, part buzz-generating effort, but I still like any idea that inspires people to contact the people they love and tell them how great they are. We don't do enough of that, in my opinion. We always just assume that those people know what we think of them. They probably don't.
Which makes me think...maybe I will tell them...
xo,
C
Monday, January 5, 2009
Oh hell yeah
Something in my life is changing. I should qualify that, because if you read any number of things I've written here, it will become apparent that something in my life is always changing. But what I'm talking about now is something more fundamental, more far-reaching than moving to a new place or having a new boyfriend or having a falling out with T. Lately I've been having this recurring feeling that avenues that were blocked for me in the past are opening up. Things I didn't think I would ever be able to do in my life now seem actually possible, if not downright manageable.
I'm not just talking about the running, though that's certainly part of it. There's this sense of..well..I want to say control, but that's not quite it. It's more like I feel less out of control, less helpless in the face of circumstance when it comes to my own life. And get this: I feel less afraid of being alone. Crazy, right? Unexpected. But I like it.
I'm feeling less of the pressure to succeed than I have classically put on myself, and strangely enough, since I'm not always fretting about doing something perfectly, my brain is freed up to think about other things I would like to do. Without the voice of "better not try to do that because you'll probably fail", I find myself thinking about all sorts of possibilities, from writing a story or cooking a fancy dinner for myself to going back to school and pursuing a career change in a field I have always thought was beyond my reach.
I don't know where it all came from, but I will tell you this: I am psyched for the future. Absolutely, totally excited.
Love,
Carrie
I'm not just talking about the running, though that's certainly part of it. There's this sense of..well..I want to say control, but that's not quite it. It's more like I feel less out of control, less helpless in the face of circumstance when it comes to my own life. And get this: I feel less afraid of being alone. Crazy, right? Unexpected. But I like it.
I'm feeling less of the pressure to succeed than I have classically put on myself, and strangely enough, since I'm not always fretting about doing something perfectly, my brain is freed up to think about other things I would like to do. Without the voice of "better not try to do that because you'll probably fail", I find myself thinking about all sorts of possibilities, from writing a story or cooking a fancy dinner for myself to going back to school and pursuing a career change in a field I have always thought was beyond my reach.
I don't know where it all came from, but I will tell you this: I am psyched for the future. Absolutely, totally excited.
Love,
Carrie
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Happy New Year!
Well here we are in 2009. It has certainly been a while since I've written anything here. I've been going through one of those contemplative phases where I feel like my thoughts need more time to ruminate and aren't quite ready to be shared.
So let's talk resolutions, shall we? Well, actually the concept of new year's resolutions always seemed kind of self-hatey to me. Traditionally, they seem like yet another reason for people to look at themselves critically, list the things they don't like about themselves, and then beat themselves up later in the year when they realize they are exactly the same as they were. So screw resolutions. Let's talk about goals instead. Here are some goals I would like to accomplish this year:
1. I would like to learn to cook for myself. I know how to boil water for pasta and open a jar of spaghetti sauce, but I'd really like to get to the point where I can just buy some ingredients from the store and whip up something I enjoy.
2. I would like to be able to run an entire 5k this year. That's three miles for the uninitiated. So far the milestones I have hit are running for an entire two blocks and running for an entire three minutes. I have some work to do, but it's definitely not impossible.
3. I would like to learn to speak Italian and eventually take a trip to Italy. The trip will probably have to wait until next year, but I think it would be fun to learn the language now. Maybe next year I'll do French and I can do a multi-country tour! We'll see.
That's it. I think those are pretty manageable goals, and for the most part they sound like they will be fun to accomplish. What are some of your goals for the new year?
xo,
C
So let's talk resolutions, shall we? Well, actually the concept of new year's resolutions always seemed kind of self-hatey to me. Traditionally, they seem like yet another reason for people to look at themselves critically, list the things they don't like about themselves, and then beat themselves up later in the year when they realize they are exactly the same as they were. So screw resolutions. Let's talk about goals instead. Here are some goals I would like to accomplish this year:
1. I would like to learn to cook for myself. I know how to boil water for pasta and open a jar of spaghetti sauce, but I'd really like to get to the point where I can just buy some ingredients from the store and whip up something I enjoy.
2. I would like to be able to run an entire 5k this year. That's three miles for the uninitiated. So far the milestones I have hit are running for an entire two blocks and running for an entire three minutes. I have some work to do, but it's definitely not impossible.
3. I would like to learn to speak Italian and eventually take a trip to Italy. The trip will probably have to wait until next year, but I think it would be fun to learn the language now. Maybe next year I'll do French and I can do a multi-country tour! We'll see.
That's it. I think those are pretty manageable goals, and for the most part they sound like they will be fun to accomplish. What are some of your goals for the new year?
xo,
C
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