So I finally took my second bike excursion today. I say finally because I have been haranguing myself for the past month to get out there again. I am way too hard on myself sometimes. Anyway, I got a little bit farther this time, and actually managed to get past the initial instinct of 'okay, I look like a foolish ass, time to run away inside' and go up and down my block a few times. There were one or two people outside or driving by, but I had resolved before I went outside that I may need to make an absolute spectacle of myself to get this done and with that accepted as a possible outcome, I found myself slightly less worried about being seen. It's amazing how much easier it is to accomplish something when I just accept ahead of time that I will probably look foolish doing it. So anyway, my butt hurts, I'm tired, I have chain gunk on my fingers, and I still didn't actually get much of anywhere, but for a second try it wasn't half bad.
This bike thing is kind of complicated. First of all, the thing with the gears just mystifies me. The chain was making some kind of clickety noise when I was pedaling, so I'm pretty sure I had it in the wrong gear or something. Also, what is up with all of the little pokey, gougey parts sticking out of my bike? I think being poked and gouged may just be something you get used to as a cyclist but I'm not one of those yet so it offends my delicate sensibilities when my beloved bike pokes at me.
That's all for now. I think I need a nap.
xo
Saturday, March 29, 2008
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
News
Well, I passed my A+ exams yesterday, so that's some good news! They were both pretty easy and I know I didn't study as much as I should have so I think I probably just had a lot of the info I needed tucked up in my head somewhere from my years as a support technician. At least this crap job I hate but can't seem to get away from has had one positive effect! Actually, things have been okay at work lately. I got a largely positive performance review, so that always helps. It's funny because whenever I walk into one of those things, I'm totally expecting my boss to whip out a list of infractions and mistakes and ways I suck and usually I just get good feedback. I suppose I, like many people, am my own harshest critic.
No good news on the house front. I went with my parents this weekend to look at a house that seemed ideal. Perfect location, good size, everything I was looking for. Unfortunately, the owner wanted to sell rather than rent it, and his asking price was almost $50k above any of the neighborhood comps. And it was a cute house too, but there is no way I would drop almost $350k on it (even if I could afford to do that, which I really can't). So I'll just have to keep up the search. I'm sure, when the time is right, that the right house will just present itself to me. No, that won't stop me from looking on craigslist every day :)
On my way out the door this morning I ran into the mailman and he delivered the honeysuckle plants I had ordered a few weeks ago. I am planning to plant them in front of the trellis in my front yard. They will probably die. Okay, no, I'm not going to give up on them already. I'm sure that they will live long, healthy, beautiful lives and they will make the residents of my house very happy for years to come. How's that for positive thinking? I wish I had waited to order them until I was situated in my new place, but by then it might be too late to plant them. I guess I'll just leave them behind for T and Pat to enjoy. If they live that long, that is. The plants, not T&P :)
Two more hours....I want to be anywhere but at work today...It was all I could do not to drop everything, call in sick, and plant my honeysuckles when they arrived this morning. The sun was shining, there were white fluffy clouds in the sky, birds chirping, just a beautiful day. So naturally I'm spending it in a cubicle. Bah.
No good news on the house front. I went with my parents this weekend to look at a house that seemed ideal. Perfect location, good size, everything I was looking for. Unfortunately, the owner wanted to sell rather than rent it, and his asking price was almost $50k above any of the neighborhood comps. And it was a cute house too, but there is no way I would drop almost $350k on it (even if I could afford to do that, which I really can't). So I'll just have to keep up the search. I'm sure, when the time is right, that the right house will just present itself to me. No, that won't stop me from looking on craigslist every day :)
On my way out the door this morning I ran into the mailman and he delivered the honeysuckle plants I had ordered a few weeks ago. I am planning to plant them in front of the trellis in my front yard. They will probably die. Okay, no, I'm not going to give up on them already. I'm sure that they will live long, healthy, beautiful lives and they will make the residents of my house very happy for years to come. How's that for positive thinking? I wish I had waited to order them until I was situated in my new place, but by then it might be too late to plant them. I guess I'll just leave them behind for T and Pat to enjoy. If they live that long, that is. The plants, not T&P :)
Two more hours....I want to be anywhere but at work today...It was all I could do not to drop everything, call in sick, and plant my honeysuckles when they arrived this morning. The sun was shining, there were white fluffy clouds in the sky, birds chirping, just a beautiful day. So naturally I'm spending it in a cubicle. Bah.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
What is up
I had a supremely craptacular day yesterday. No real reason for it ('cept maybe mother nature) but I just had this grumpy, crabby feeling all day. It was one of those days where I found myself rolling my eyes and becoming irritated with my callers and I had absolutely zero patience. Even once I recognized that I was just in a foul mood, it was not easy to chug through a day when every little thing ticked me off. Luckily, when I finally got home it was a different story.
Living alone can suck ass sometimes, especially since I have these dogs and cats to look after and that kind of thing can take a lot out of a person. Also, nobody else is there to do the housework (or blame for the fact that the housework isn't getting done ;) and, most importantly, there's nobody to really talk to or to share experiences with. If the dogs or cats do something cute or funny, I'm the only one who will ever witness it. Likewise, if they make a mess or do something else frustrating, I'm the only one who has to care.
The cool part about living alone, though, is that...well...nobody else is there. This affords one a certain amount of personal freedom. I can do whatever I want and nobody is there to comment. I can wear my pajamas all day and no one is the wiser. I can sit in bed all day, watch movies, and eat hot fudge from the jar if I really want to. So last night, when I got home, I resolved to really take the time to appreciate the freedom of living alone. I didn't do anything all that special, though I did turn on some music while I was surfing the web and, being alone, experienced the freedom of being able to sing along at the top of my lungs with no one there to hear me. That was totally liberating. Singing to the radio has always been a great stress reliever for me, but since I don't have a car anymore, that hardly ever happens now. Anyway, it was fun :)
I'm only 45 days into the 365 days project on flickr and I have already learned something kind of great about beauty and self-image. First of all, I usually take several photos and choose the one I like the best. Most often it's the one that I find the most pleasing to my picky eyes, but sometimes I'll pick the most expressive or interesting one that maybe isn't the "prettiest". Anyway, the thing I realized is that virtually every picture of someone out there in the media is the absolute most perfect culled from probably dozens of other photos in the same series. Just as I comb through my photos for the one that appeals to me, so do photographers weed out photos that make their clients look less than perfect. I don't know, maybe that's the tinest, most obvious realization I could have, but it's got me thinking of the idea of attractiveness and beauty and how physical beauty is such a fleeting thing, captured for a split second with a photograph but then in the next shot the subject goes back to looking ordinary. How strange that we, as a society, hold in such high esteem a quality so transitory, so subjective as physical beauty.
Just some random crap that was on my mind. Also tossing around in there are camping, traveling to Paris, the music of Guster, where the F I'm going to live in June, my upcoming A+ exam, and what a struggle it is to override your defenses and really trust someone. Maybe some time I'll write about that stuff.
Living alone can suck ass sometimes, especially since I have these dogs and cats to look after and that kind of thing can take a lot out of a person. Also, nobody else is there to do the housework (or blame for the fact that the housework isn't getting done ;) and, most importantly, there's nobody to really talk to or to share experiences with. If the dogs or cats do something cute or funny, I'm the only one who will ever witness it. Likewise, if they make a mess or do something else frustrating, I'm the only one who has to care.
The cool part about living alone, though, is that...well...nobody else is there. This affords one a certain amount of personal freedom. I can do whatever I want and nobody is there to comment. I can wear my pajamas all day and no one is the wiser. I can sit in bed all day, watch movies, and eat hot fudge from the jar if I really want to. So last night, when I got home, I resolved to really take the time to appreciate the freedom of living alone. I didn't do anything all that special, though I did turn on some music while I was surfing the web and, being alone, experienced the freedom of being able to sing along at the top of my lungs with no one there to hear me. That was totally liberating. Singing to the radio has always been a great stress reliever for me, but since I don't have a car anymore, that hardly ever happens now. Anyway, it was fun :)
I'm only 45 days into the 365 days project on flickr and I have already learned something kind of great about beauty and self-image. First of all, I usually take several photos and choose the one I like the best. Most often it's the one that I find the most pleasing to my picky eyes, but sometimes I'll pick the most expressive or interesting one that maybe isn't the "prettiest". Anyway, the thing I realized is that virtually every picture of someone out there in the media is the absolute most perfect culled from probably dozens of other photos in the same series. Just as I comb through my photos for the one that appeals to me, so do photographers weed out photos that make their clients look less than perfect. I don't know, maybe that's the tinest, most obvious realization I could have, but it's got me thinking of the idea of attractiveness and beauty and how physical beauty is such a fleeting thing, captured for a split second with a photograph but then in the next shot the subject goes back to looking ordinary. How strange that we, as a society, hold in such high esteem a quality so transitory, so subjective as physical beauty.
Just some random crap that was on my mind. Also tossing around in there are camping, traveling to Paris, the music of Guster, where the F I'm going to live in June, my upcoming A+ exam, and what a struggle it is to override your defenses and really trust someone. Maybe some time I'll write about that stuff.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Some new stuff
So I guess I haven't had much to say lately, which is interesting because there is plenty going on. My video on YouTube has over 1,000 views already, which is just phenomenal! There have been some nice comments and no negative comments at all so far, so that's surprising. A few others have posted their own videos already and I can only hope this weekend will bring a flurry of new entries. It is so exciting to be a part of this (hopefully hugely successful) project at the very beginning! Just thinking about the thousand fat people who have viewed my video and perhaps considered for a moment that who they are and how their body is shaped is okay is just incredible.
So there's that. There have also been some very interesting and happy-making things happening in my personal life, but you guys don't want to hear about that stuff, right? Work has been mostly drudgery, especially since the call volume has fallen off a bit and so my job becomes 'find something productive to do' which I really really hate. I have things I should be doing, as my boss has required everyone to get their A+ certification by the end of this month and I should certainly be studying for it more than I am. I actually got my A+ in 1997 (back when a computer filled an entire room and was made of vacuum tubes) but apparently that was too long ago to satisfy my boss's requirement, so I'm stuck taking the damn thing again. Bah.
In other news, my friend William finally resurfaced after a long rock-hunting trip in WA (so awesome!). I was super-happy to hear from him as for some reason I was under the impression that we had had a bit of a falling-out, but apparently it was all in my head. Good thing, because William is the only one out there who really knows how crazy I am and is willing to listen to my rambling thoughts about boys and other things without (too much) judgment. Plus he snarks with me about American Idol and he's willing to go with me to the freaking Gem Faire. You won't find a friend like that every day, that's for sure. :)
Speaking of friends, T is back in town (she was in Atlanta last week)! This week is actually so awesome compared to last week, friendwise, when neither of my two best were anywhere to be found. I didn't realize until just this moment how much I missed having people to talk to about my crazy shit. Aaaahhh..thank god they're back.
I found a house on craigslist today (because yes of course I've been looking every day even though I'm not moving for another three months. It's what I do) that will be available on June 1st, is the perfect size of small, rent is cheap, and is in the region of town that I want to live in. So my experience with the Portland rental market is that there is no way in hell I will actually ever get to live in this house, but still the prospect is pretty exciting.
That's all the news...I hope you are all having a good week!
xo,
C
So there's that. There have also been some very interesting and happy-making things happening in my personal life, but you guys don't want to hear about that stuff, right? Work has been mostly drudgery, especially since the call volume has fallen off a bit and so my job becomes 'find something productive to do' which I really really hate. I have things I should be doing, as my boss has required everyone to get their A+ certification by the end of this month and I should certainly be studying for it more than I am. I actually got my A+ in 1997 (back when a computer filled an entire room and was made of vacuum tubes) but apparently that was too long ago to satisfy my boss's requirement, so I'm stuck taking the damn thing again. Bah.
In other news, my friend William finally resurfaced after a long rock-hunting trip in WA (so awesome!). I was super-happy to hear from him as for some reason I was under the impression that we had had a bit of a falling-out, but apparently it was all in my head. Good thing, because William is the only one out there who really knows how crazy I am and is willing to listen to my rambling thoughts about boys and other things without (too much) judgment. Plus he snarks with me about American Idol and he's willing to go with me to the freaking Gem Faire. You won't find a friend like that every day, that's for sure. :)
Speaking of friends, T is back in town (she was in Atlanta last week)! This week is actually so awesome compared to last week, friendwise, when neither of my two best were anywhere to be found. I didn't realize until just this moment how much I missed having people to talk to about my crazy shit. Aaaahhh..thank god they're back.
I found a house on craigslist today (because yes of course I've been looking every day even though I'm not moving for another three months. It's what I do) that will be available on June 1st, is the perfect size of small, rent is cheap, and is in the region of town that I want to live in. So my experience with the Portland rental market is that there is no way in hell I will actually ever get to live in this house, but still the prospect is pretty exciting.
That's all the news...I hope you are all having a good week!
xo,
C
Monday, March 10, 2008
The Project
If you'll remember, I mentioned in my account of my Chicago trip that I had had an idea that COFRA was going to run with. Well, here is the writeup of the idea:
I volunteered in the meeting to do the first video, and I'm finally finished!
You can view it here. I also did another video with my impressions of the project. It's definitely a scary thing, standing in front of a camera and showing yourself to the world. I can only hope that the project will serve to help other fat people look at themselves and realize that they are fine just as they are and that they should love the bodies they are in.
xo,
C
PS: This video is not part of the project but it is still pretty awesome :)
If you’ve watched any news segment about fat people, ever, you’ve undoubtedly seen the video that accompanies any such news segment: the parade of headless fatties. Fat people in public, shown from the neck down, voiceless, stripped of their humanity—most likely without their permission. It implies that it’s shameful to be fat, that we ought to be ashamed to show our faces in public.
COFRA, the Coalition of Fat Rights Activists, wants your help in turning this portrayal inside out. That’s why we’ve started a project called Dare to Show Your Face. The goal is to show the world that we are people, first and foremost, no matter what our shapes. Fat people have voices, they have stories, they have faces.
We’ll be putting together a series of promotional videos for COFRA spotlighting the everyday lives of fat people in all walks of life.
How can you help? It’s easy: just upload a 1 or 2 minute video of yourself to our YouTube group.
http://youtube.com/group/fatrights
Tell us about your life. Show us what you do. There’s no need to get fancy with video effects (but if you want to, go for it) – just your raw story is what we’d like to see.
For more information on COFRA and to join us in our campaigns for fat rights, sign up at fatrights.org.
I volunteered in the meeting to do the first video, and I'm finally finished!
You can view it here. I also did another video with my impressions of the project. It's definitely a scary thing, standing in front of a camera and showing yourself to the world. I can only hope that the project will serve to help other fat people look at themselves and realize that they are fine just as they are and that they should love the bodies they are in.
xo,
C
PS: This video is not part of the project but it is still pretty awesome :)
Monday, March 3, 2008
It's a Starbucks miracle!
Last week I posted this Starbucks survey to flickr because I thought it was so ridiculous that they could think visiting one of their locations could actually be 'uplifting', but I have to say that today when I walked out of Starbucks with my $4 latte in hand, I was in a significantly better mood then when I went in. I'm not saying that Starbucks necessarily had anything to do with it, though one of the baristas did compliment me on my (hand crocheted by me, thank you very much) bag and you know how Carrie loves the compliments! Anyway, I think it had a lot more to do with changing my focus, getting me out of my head and making me pay attention to the world around me.
I have a tendency when something is bothering me or when I have a problem I can't solve of just hammering at it over and over in my head, as if there's some magic solution I'm just not thinking of and if I could only wrap my mind around it then everything would make sense again. Sadly, you can't solve every problem with thinking, even if you're thinking really really hard. So it was good that Misty or Buffy or whatever her name was yanked me out of my reverie this morning to talk about something as small, mundane and easily-resolved as a sugary milky cup of coffee.
This would normally be the space that I would then roll out what is bothering me in great detail because really, what would this blog be without all the embarrassing overshares of every little thing I am thinking or feeling? For some reason, though, I don't want to talk about this here. Maybe it's because some of the people involved actually read this stuff. Maybe it's because I'm not 100% sure of how I'm feeling or what to do about it. Maybe it's because I feel like I have zero control over this situation and it is freaking me out. Probably all of these things. Despite the bit of panicky out-of-controlledness (I'm sure that's a word) I am feeling, there is at least a little voice in the back of my head that says "I'm sure if you just relax and let go that everything will work itself out". So I'm going to try to do that. I'm going to put down the hammer and trust that the solution is not hiding somewhere in my head. I'm going to drink my sugary coffee, indulge in the friendly caffeine buzz, and get on with my day. Everything is going to be ok. Peace of mind...not bad for four bucks, eh?
I have a tendency when something is bothering me or when I have a problem I can't solve of just hammering at it over and over in my head, as if there's some magic solution I'm just not thinking of and if I could only wrap my mind around it then everything would make sense again. Sadly, you can't solve every problem with thinking, even if you're thinking really really hard. So it was good that Misty or Buffy or whatever her name was yanked me out of my reverie this morning to talk about something as small, mundane and easily-resolved as a sugary milky cup of coffee.
This would normally be the space that I would then roll out what is bothering me in great detail because really, what would this blog be without all the embarrassing overshares of every little thing I am thinking or feeling? For some reason, though, I don't want to talk about this here. Maybe it's because some of the people involved actually read this stuff. Maybe it's because I'm not 100% sure of how I'm feeling or what to do about it. Maybe it's because I feel like I have zero control over this situation and it is freaking me out. Probably all of these things. Despite the bit of panicky out-of-controlledness (I'm sure that's a word) I am feeling, there is at least a little voice in the back of my head that says "I'm sure if you just relax and let go that everything will work itself out". So I'm going to try to do that. I'm going to put down the hammer and trust that the solution is not hiding somewhere in my head. I'm going to drink my sugary coffee, indulge in the friendly caffeine buzz, and get on with my day. Everything is going to be ok. Peace of mind...not bad for four bucks, eh?
Saturday, March 1, 2008
Sometimes I forget
I have been forgetting to live lately. I have a tendency, when exciting or scary or new things are happening in my life to focus almost entirely on them and ignore the things I have to do to keep my life running smoothly. I don't get enough sleep, I spend money with reckless abandon, I don't clean the house, and I start eating whatever crap is handy instead of actually thinking about what I would like to eat. That last one may not seem like such a big deal, but the fact is that the effort I put into demand feeding or intuitive eating really has a huge effect on how I feel about myself. When I take the time to determine what I want and make it for myself, it's like this quiet message to my subconscious that what I want is important and that I will do what I can to make sure I get it.
So anyway, a lot of new and exciting and happy (and scary) things have been happening lately and it wasn't until I looked down at my dinner last night and saw that I was eating white rice with mayonnaise and teriyaki sauce that I realized that I had been forgetting to live my life. I haven't gotten groceries in almost a month now, which means that my pantry is down to the dregs and I have been eating a LOT of crappy takeout. Once I realized this, the first thing I did was place a big grocery order (I usually have my groceries delivered since I don't have a car...and because I hate going to the store). It seems like an odd thing to be excited about, having groceries again, but I am pretty happy about it. Next I think I'm going to take a long, hot shower, read a book and maybe take a nap. If the weather gets a little nicer, maybe I'll go for that second bike ride!
I hope things are going well for all of you :)
xo,
C
So anyway, a lot of new and exciting and happy (and scary) things have been happening lately and it wasn't until I looked down at my dinner last night and saw that I was eating white rice with mayonnaise and teriyaki sauce that I realized that I had been forgetting to live my life. I haven't gotten groceries in almost a month now, which means that my pantry is down to the dregs and I have been eating a LOT of crappy takeout. Once I realized this, the first thing I did was place a big grocery order (I usually have my groceries delivered since I don't have a car...and because I hate going to the store). It seems like an odd thing to be excited about, having groceries again, but I am pretty happy about it. Next I think I'm going to take a long, hot shower, read a book and maybe take a nap. If the weather gets a little nicer, maybe I'll go for that second bike ride!
I hope things are going well for all of you :)
xo,
C
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