It's what's for dinner

For some reason I have been eating a lot more vegetarian meals lately. I think it's because I've been getting a lot of frozen dinners from New Seasons to take to work and they have such a great variety of vegetarian stuff (plus meat in frozen dinners is one step above cat food). Anyway, for whatever reason, today I woke up with a serious meat craving that just would not be satisfied by the little carton of honey teriyaki noodles I brought for lunch, so I decided to get outside, explore the neighborhood around my new office, and find myself some beef. It was a beautiful, gorgeous day. It has been a little cloudy and rainy recently - I suppose it's just preparing all of us for the cold, wet winter that is to come - but today the sun was out, warming everything up. I knew there was a Burgerville near the convention center and the timing was right, so I hopped on the train and rode it one stop west.

I had completely forgotten how enjoyable it is to actually eat in at Burgerville, that it feels more like a diner than a McDonalds. The only thing that sucked about eating in was that I was by myself. Eating in a restaurant by yourself, even a fast food restaurant, totally makes a person feel like a freak of nature. Maybe it was just my own neurosis but as I ate my burger I totally felt like everyone was staring at the poor girl who had to eat by herself. It was weird. I think it was worse because I didn't have anything to read or do. Next time I'll bring a book so I can be wholly engrossed in what I'm reading and not even notice the people around me.

Meat craving satisfied, I took a nice leisurely walk back to my office. There's a little park right next door with some nice benches, so I sat there for a bit and just chilled. Again, I would have felt better if I had something to do while I was sitting there, bit it was still nice to just relax for a little while. It's been so long since I've actually taken a lunch hour and not just eaten quickly at my desk while doing more work. Why do I do that? What am I trying to prove? Anyway, it was a nice way to spend my lunch. If the weather holds on just a little bit longer, I may do it again tomorrow.

That's all.

This is why change is good

Things at work are definitely better. I now know a lot more about what's going on and I don't feel so much anxiety when the phone rings because I can usually guess what the issues are going to be and I know how to resolve them. Not too bad for my second week. I tend to still move at a faster pace than the rest of the team because I'm still on 'lawyer time', where everything has to be solved yesterday. Here it is so much more laid back. Last week, we had tickets in the queue that hadn't been followed up on for eight days and nobody seemed too worried about it. This week, the oldest ticket is from four days ago, so I feel like I'm steadily getting a handle on the backlog.
I'm not quite sure what the rest of my coworkers are doing, though. I have my ticket queue set up so I can see who put the last notes in a ticket and right now it looks like 90% of the notes are coming from me. I'm not upset about it, really, because I know when it comes time to hire somebody (I'm on a three month contract-to perm basis right now) that my boss will see how much I kick ass. Actually, he mentioned this week that he tried to buy my contract out already but that the contract agency is making it very difficult. Nice to know that he is happy enough with my work that he is ready to hire me after two weeks of a three month contract! It's really nice to be in a situation where my hard work is appreciated. I worked just as hard at DE and I never heard word one about it. In fact, the only time I heard from management was if I had made a mistake. I am so glad to be out of there!
I am very seriously thinking about taking that bike I bought a few months ago to have the brakes fixed. For me, serious thinking is a big step. The bike thing still scares the hell out of me. Mostly I'm afraid that if I bring my bike into a bike shop, the bike dude is going to take one look at me and tell me that I'm too fat to ride a bike. Eh, who knows...maybe he will...but now that I think about it,him saying that would just make me want to rebel and do it anyway, so maybe it would be good if that happened. I'll show you, bike dude! You can't tell fat girl what to do! Maybe I'll pump up that front tire and ride it around the backyard a little before I take it in. I can't get up that much speed back there, so I don't really need brakes so much. Hmmm....I'll think about it.

In the doldrums..a little bit

I don't know why, but every time I think about changing jobs, I conveniently forget just what a drag the first couple of weeks of a new job can be. I don't know anybody, I don't know where anything is, I have to ask questions about EVERYTHING, and I can't be my usual jokey self because I might offend my new coworkers. On top of that, I'm working on the high school project team and school just started this week for one of the states we're working with so it has been ridiculously busy. Normally that wouldn't bother me too much but I just started and I don't know anything yet so every call includes the hassle of having to put a student on hold and find someone who can answer my questions. I know it's a learning process and I will eventually get up to speed, but I sure do miss that secure feeling that comes with having all the answers.
On top of that, it really really sucks to be the outsider. The only thing that got me through all those rough days at DE was joking around with my work friends. I really miss that a lot. Again, I know I will eventually find common ground with the new work folks and we'll have our inside jokes and work will be fun again, but right now my work life is so devoid of funny that it just makes me sad.
In food news, T and I have gone back to buying our own groceries and cooking for ourselves again. For a while we had kind of slipped into a situation where she would cook things and I would just eat them because they were convenient (and of course delicious), whether I really wanted them or not. Not great for the whole demand feeding thing, which, if you'll remember, is all about figuring out what your body is really craving and eating that instead of just eating crap because it's convenient. So this is definitely a good direction for me to go in. I still haven't figured out how to exercise without feeling indignant about it. I don't quite know what it's like to just go take a walk or go swimming because you just feel like doing it. Exercise has always been this loaded thing for me, something I should do or something my parents wanted me to do instead of something that was merely enjoyable. I have no idea how to just enjoy exercising rather than using it as some measure of whether I'm good or bad. I wish I could figure out that part of myself because I really miss feeling strong and able when I go about my day. Right now I just feel...blech all around. Hmmm...maybe I need a nap. :)

The dark days are behind us

I have had two full days of the new job now and, though i'm not quite settled in and comfortable with everything at the new place, I still know that it was 100% the right move to make. I came home from work yesterday evening and actually felt relaxed for the first time in over a year. I don't have to check my email every five minutes or carry a blackberry with me to make sure everyone can get in touch with me. Once I leave the office, every single bit of that time belongs to me alone. It's incredible to me how my work at DE just quietly infiltrated and took over every minute of my personal life until there was nothing left. For the past few weeks I have felt like I was being de-brainwashed, finally understanding that I didn't have to dedicate my entire waking life to my job and slowly realizing the now-endless possibilities. Never again will I have to answer email on my blackberry in a darkened movie theater. Never again will I have to get up in the middle of dinner at my parents' house and attend to some lawyer's software issue. Never again will I have to go into the office at 3 AM on a Friday night to load data. Never again will I be awakened in the middle of the night by a new email from a client in the UK who doesn't care what time it is and needs help NOW. I can't express to you how delighted I am that I don't have to deal with any of that ridiculousness again.

So the new place is pretty great, actually. Everyone has been very friendly and they seem to be a pretty close-knit group, which is exciting because I tend to work better with a team like that, but scary also because right now I'm the outsider. I'm pretty sure I'll find my place soon enough though. Another tough thing about a new job is that no matter what support experience I have, there are always a million situation-specific things to know before I can feel like I really know what I'm doing. I expect to be pretty comfortable within the next week or two though. Unlike DE where things were constantly changing so support never had a clue how to solve anything, I'm looking forward to being able to actually help people here. I think this job is going to be a really good fit.