Bikes and lamps

Last night as I was riding the bus home I saw a woman as fat as me on a bicycle and it reminded me once again that right now I can do whatever I like (I forget sometimes). So I strapped up my pant leg, got my tire pump out and got ready to take a bike ride, but I think there is something funky going on with my chain. Also, I realized that the front tire has never quite been fully inflated when I've been riding and the flattening has totally been making me nervous. Anyway, I'm gonna see what I can do about getting the chain to act right and then I'm going to ride the hell out of that bike.

Oh crap, I still need a lock and a helmet. Maybe this weekend.

Still no lamps. Well, I have one, but I have to move it around the room when I want light in different places. Not the best solution. The thing about lamps is, all the ones that I find visually appealing are ridiculously expensive and the ones I can afford (like at goodwill) look like rejects from the set of The Golden Girls. For some reason, I find it much easier to justify the extra expense of getting a visually appealing sofa or bedspread than I do a lamp, even though they all serve a specific function that would easily be taken care of by cheaper, uglier versions. Screw it. I'm going to save up and get some damn pretty lamps.

That's all thats going on today...no major drama, just living.

:)

The gift of impermanence

I read a chapter in the Pema Chodron book the other day about embracing the idea of impermanence (among other things), and as I was reading it, I realized something significant. I have always believed in the phrase 'this too shall pass' when it comes to negative emotions or experiences, but it never even occurred to me that happiness and joy and other positive emotions are transitory as well. I have been holding on to this erroneous belief that I could and should engineer and manipulate myself and my life until I fit this particular set of characteristics, and if I did all of that 'right' enough, then one day I would all of a sudden be happy forever. But it doesn't work that way at all.

If sorrow is transitory and impermanent then so is happiness. Initially that sounded like a downer, but when I really thought about it, I realized there's an immense freedom in that idea. There is literally NOTHING I or anyone else can do to ensure permanent happiness for myself. All I can do is try some things I think I might enjoy doing, make choices that seem like they would be right for me, and see how it all goes. Some things will turn out well and will make me happy, some things will turn out badly and make me unhappy...but neither of those feelings is permanent enough to be worthy of all of the hand-wringing and anxiety I have been putting myself through.

So today I feel pretty great, and I intend to enjoy it since I know for a fact that it won't last forever.

Last night when I arrived back at my basement apartment, I actually felt like I was coming home instead of living in exile. It was a good feeling, one I haven't felt in a long time. Perhaps it's time to actually move in and live there instead of just ducking and covering and waiting for life to stop being so hard. I think I'll buy some lamps. :)

Checking in

My emotions have been so all over the map lately, I've avoided writing anything because I know a few minutes later I will just change my mind about what I've said and take it down. I guess you could say I'm not feeling very sure of myself these days. Like everything else, I'm sure it will pass.

I have therapy today, which is a very good thing. I need to be therapized like nobody's business.

xo

I am the chair

It's no secret that the past few weeks have been really tough for me. Packing and moving are harrowing experiences under normal circumstances but when you add in the emotional symbolism involved in ending a ten year relationship, the whole thing just felt like an impossible situation to get through. I have tried really hard to be cognizant of my feelings during this time and not resort to self-destructive coping mechanisms but surprisingly, that's not so easy to just do, even with the best of intentions. So I have basically been struggling against myself, pulling people in closer and pushing them away, trying so hard to not have to deal with a moment where I would have to look myself in the eye and admit that this is really my life, I am all there is, and it is up to me to decide where I'm going to go from here.

There's a scene in the movie Contact where the engineers have built this chair into the pod "for safety" even though it was not part of the original plans. When Ellie is flying through space, the chair starts to vibrate violently and uncontrollably until it finally wrenches itself free of its connections and floats away peacefully because it was never supposed to be there. It's a bit of a clumsy metaphor for the idea of trusting and releasing control, but that scene keeps coming back to me so I'm going to go with it anyway. I realized this morning as I was waiting for the bus that I have been trying and trying and trying to engineer and force and manipulate my life to be a certain way over the past few weeks and what I really need to do is let go and make peace with the way things are.

There are wonderful things about living with a roommate and living in a whole new neighborhood and having vast stretches of unplanned alone time, but it's almost impossible to see those good things when all I can focus on is how my life should be this certain way because that's what I'm used to. I'm standing on the edge of this vast, incredible, scary freedom where I can go in any direction that interests me. I can be an athlete, I can be a freelance graphic designer, I can be a painter, I can run a marathon, I can take a bike tour through Provence, I can be genuinely happy and satisfied with the life I have. The future is brimming with possibility, but before I can do any of those things I have to release my hold on what I was and be willing to become something else. Really fucking scary.

Risk

And then the day came,
when the risk
to remain tight
in a bud
was more painful
than the risk
it tookto Blossom.

Anaïs Nin

Exactly. That day is today.

Cue the montage

My move went fine, despite my persistent cold. I have managed to arrange everything in the new place pretty much where I expected it to go except for the glass-fronted bookshelves which are too tall for the space. I'm currently using one on it's side to hide the big pile of boxes, plus its a good place to put things until I figure out where I want them to be. So far things have been okay. I've had a few sad moments when I've been by myself in the place but I'm also feeling a little untethered and aimless about everything which is making me look at my life in a whole new way. This morning when I got to work I had the strongest urge to just walk into my boss's office and quit. I have been frustrated with my job before but this wasn't really a frustrated feeling, it was as if it had just become clear to me that I didn't need to waste any more of my time working there and I needed to really figure out what I want to be doing. I did not actually end up quitting my job today but I did start seriously looking for something else. I'm in a position right now where the only thing I absolutely need a job for is to pay my rent and the few bills I have. This affords me a kind of freedom to really pursue new ideas and new career possibilities. I'm not sure where I'll end up yet but I'm almost 100% certain that it won't be working on a help desk. I'll keep you posted.

Inertia

I have a cold. I hereby invite you to feel sorry for me. Okay, enough of that.

I have been watching the Up series lately. Here's the wikipedia blurb about it:

The Up Series consists of a series of documentary films that have followed the lives of fourteen British children since 1964, when they were seven years old. The children were selected to represent the range of socio-economic backgrounds in Britain at that time, with the explicit assumption that each child's social class predetermines their future. Every seven years, the director, Michael Apted, films new material from as many of the fourteen as he can get to participate.

So anyway, I just finished watching 28 Up which is the closest one to my actual age (have I mentioned that I'm 30? Just checking). Part of me almost wants to save the next film (35) until I'm closer to 35 myself because maybe it will have more significance for me then. I probably won't though...I'm too tempted to find out how everyone is doing.

The series has got me thinking a lot about inertia and how, unless you do something radically different to change your life, it is likely that you will continue on the path you are on now. I'm talking specifically about careers here, but I suppose that kind of idea can apply to any aspect of one's life. Anyway, it's got me thinking about how I'm always complaining about working in tech support but, year after year, I'm still steadfastly working away in the same field. I really wonder, if I check in with myself seven years from now, am I likely to be doing anything different or will I be on the same path? In which case, if I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing anyway, maybe I should work on making myself okay with it and not so dissatisfied with it all the time. If I can't do that, maybe I really should focus more of my energy on getting out and doing something different, let go of the security of my current vocation and find one that is more satisfying. Things to think about...

Moving in two days. Almost ready. Almost happy about it, but not quite.