It's 5:30 AM and my roommate is out of town so everything in the house is peacefully silent. I normally sleep until around 6 but for some reason I just snapped out of sleep about fifteen minutes ago and I haven't been able to go back.
I had dinner with Theresa last night at Screen Door, a southern-themed restaurant. We ended up going there because yesterday morning I had texted her saying I had a huge craving for Folks, a restaurant chain that's only located in the south. I hate to say it, but Screen Door was so superior to Folks in (almost) every way (they don't have peach muffins ;) that I don't so much miss Folks anymore. We both had the Screen Door Plate, in which you get three sides and a slice of cornbread. They have their standard menu of sides but then they have this fantastic menu of in-season sides that you can choose from. There were so many things we both wanted to try that we ended up picking six sides together and splitting almost everything. We got macaroni and cheese (naturally), sweet corn pudding, sweet potato fries, catfish, black eyed peas and rice (that one was all Theresa), and this incredible eggplant and goat cheese terrine on fresh sliced heirloom tomatoes. I can't even tell you how good that one was...fantastic! It was a huge amount of food and we ended up both completely satisfied and T had a big box of leftovers to bring to her mom.
Neither one of us had any place to rush off to, which is not usually the case, so we lingered for a while and enjoyed the free refills of sweet tea while we caught up a little bit with what was going on in each other's lives. We'd been having some trouble lately finding the connection that made us so close in the first place, so it was so incredibly nice to get a chance to just sit and talk with her. Eventually the waitress came around with dessert menus and we both ordered something. I had ban-offee pie, which is bananas and caramel in a pecan shortbread crust topped with whipped cream. It was out of this world. I cannot even express to you. It's been a long time since I've ordered and finished any dessert anywhere, as they are usually disappointing, but I ate every last bite and was tempted to pick up my plate and lick it when I was done. She got the pecan pie which was delicious and she seemed to enjoy it, but I was so in love with my ban-offee pie that I barely noticed.
The other big thing that happened yesterday is I took Tater to a dog trainer. Let me back up. I'm moving again. I'll give you a sec for that to sink in. Okay. I'm moving for a couple of reasons. There's still a weird uncomfortable unease in the air between me and my roommate, plus I'm finally emerging from my drawn out post-breakup depression and I could use a change of scenery. Also I can't have pets in my current place and I really miss having a dog.
So I found another roommate situation nearby that looks like it will work out better (closer to my age, we share some interests, etc), plus it's less expensive, plus she's cool with me bringing a dog. Theresa and I discussed it and we decided that Tater would be the best one for me to take because Chutney was always Theresa's dog and Rosie doesn't like being an only dog (we're assuming...she tends to whimper around the house when one of the other dogs is at the vet). Plus Tater is smaller and has always seemed to us that she would be an excellent only dog. So anyway, yesterday I met with a dog trainer and learned some good things about how to interact with her to establish myself as the pack leader. She's an awesome dog now, but she's going to be so much more fun once she's trained. I'm terribly excited :)
That's all for now...have lovely days, folks!
xo,
C
Friday, August 29, 2008
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Fat girl seeks enlightened boy for fun and activism
Only one more class session left! I turned in my final project yesterday (it turned out very well, if I do say so myself) and Monday we will have critiques and our final exam. The semester has gone by so quickly but I feel like taking the class answered some big questions for me, namely 'would I enjoy being a graphic designer?' and 'am I any good at it?'. I definitely enjoyed the projects, especially the ones nearer the end of the semester that involved actual design decisions. And I feel like I did a pretty good job. I may even pull off an A in the class...woo!
I was clicking around the web last night and, in a moment of weakness, I ended up signing up for Yahoo Personals (What? It's been weeks since I posted about not needing to be with someone...I'm a totally different person now! :D). I filled out my little profile (honestly, how do you distill your essence down to a freaking paragraph?), posted some pictures, went looking for some fellas, etc. I found a guy who looked pretty cool and had a nice profile and so I clicked the little button to send him an email. Except no, Yahoo wants you to pay money before you can actually speak to somebody. They have one of those price scales where if you pay month to month it's more expensive than if you pay for six months up front. But what a tough decision! I mean, if you pay for the six months, that's like admitting that you know you are so freakish that it will take at least that long to find someone remotely compatible with you. Not to mention that the six month thing is like a hundred bucks! You can pay $30 a month instead, but that's such a ripoff. I ended up not paying anything. There's something about paying for services like that that somehow makes me feel more desperate and skeevy than I already did by participating in online dating in the first place.
Not to mention the minefield present when you are a fat girl posting a personal ad. Do I mention the fat? Do I not mention it and risk seeming like I'm ashamed of it and/or trying to hide what I am? Do I talk about fat acceptance or activism? I mean, sure fat is not the only thing to know about me, but I feel pretty strongly about fat acceptance and rights and I kind of only want to deal with people who feel the same way. But I'm thinking as I'm writing that out, and guess it's pretty unrealistic to think that there will be many guys out there who believe what I do about fatness when the majority of the country is convinced that it's repulsive and unhealthy. Hmm...this warrants further thought.
I just had a related idea though...wouldn't it be great if there was a personals website for folks who believe what I do about fat acceptance and fat rights? If that weren't even an issue and you could blow right by it and just start talking about your personality and interests like skinny people do. You wouldn't have to worry about how to bring the fat acceptance thing up or how he was going to look at you or if he would get it or if you would ever hear from him again, because you would already have a basic idea of where you both stood on the issue.
I wonder how hard it is to set up a personals website....
xo!
I was clicking around the web last night and, in a moment of weakness, I ended up signing up for Yahoo Personals (What? It's been weeks since I posted about not needing to be with someone...I'm a totally different person now! :D). I filled out my little profile (honestly, how do you distill your essence down to a freaking paragraph?), posted some pictures, went looking for some fellas, etc. I found a guy who looked pretty cool and had a nice profile and so I clicked the little button to send him an email. Except no, Yahoo wants you to pay money before you can actually speak to somebody. They have one of those price scales where if you pay month to month it's more expensive than if you pay for six months up front. But what a tough decision! I mean, if you pay for the six months, that's like admitting that you know you are so freakish that it will take at least that long to find someone remotely compatible with you. Not to mention that the six month thing is like a hundred bucks! You can pay $30 a month instead, but that's such a ripoff. I ended up not paying anything. There's something about paying for services like that that somehow makes me feel more desperate and skeevy than I already did by participating in online dating in the first place.
Not to mention the minefield present when you are a fat girl posting a personal ad. Do I mention the fat? Do I not mention it and risk seeming like I'm ashamed of it and/or trying to hide what I am? Do I talk about fat acceptance or activism? I mean, sure fat is not the only thing to know about me, but I feel pretty strongly about fat acceptance and rights and I kind of only want to deal with people who feel the same way. But I'm thinking as I'm writing that out, and guess it's pretty unrealistic to think that there will be many guys out there who believe what I do about fatness when the majority of the country is convinced that it's repulsive and unhealthy. Hmm...this warrants further thought.
I just had a related idea though...wouldn't it be great if there was a personals website for folks who believe what I do about fat acceptance and fat rights? If that weren't even an issue and you could blow right by it and just start talking about your personality and interests like skinny people do. You wouldn't have to worry about how to bring the fat acceptance thing up or how he was going to look at you or if he would get it or if you would ever hear from him again, because you would already have a basic idea of where you both stood on the issue.
I wonder how hard it is to set up a personals website....
xo!
Saturday, August 16, 2008
The gift of solitude
I am having an unexpectedly wonderful weekend. Usually I can't make it through the week without having crammed my weekend full of things I need to take care of or people I need to see but somehow on Friday morning I looked up and realized I had absolutely *nothing* I had to do this weekend. Nothing. No plans to see anybody, no graphic design work that needed to be done. I don't even have laundry that needs doing.
So wow...what does one do with 48 hours of complete unstructuredness? So far I have slept in, straightened up my room a little bit, taken care of some COFRA business, finished a novel, and watched some trashy TV I missed last season. If I have my way, I may not even leave the basement at all this weekend.
For a while I felt a little guilty, like I should be doing something more productive, but then I realized that this is an opportunity for me to enjoy spending time by myself, to explore whatever it is that makes me uncomfortable with solitude. Frankly, I'm really enjoying this time by myself. The past few weeks have been extra stressful and it's not often that I actually have the opportunity to hide under the covers when I feel like I want to. It's nice to not have any demands to meet, even my own.
I hope you are all having peaceful weekends as well.
xo,
C
So wow...what does one do with 48 hours of complete unstructuredness? So far I have slept in, straightened up my room a little bit, taken care of some COFRA business, finished a novel, and watched some trashy TV I missed last season. If I have my way, I may not even leave the basement at all this weekend.
For a while I felt a little guilty, like I should be doing something more productive, but then I realized that this is an opportunity for me to enjoy spending time by myself, to explore whatever it is that makes me uncomfortable with solitude. Frankly, I'm really enjoying this time by myself. The past few weeks have been extra stressful and it's not often that I actually have the opportunity to hide under the covers when I feel like I want to. It's nice to not have any demands to meet, even my own.
I hope you are all having peaceful weekends as well.
xo,
C
Sunday, August 10, 2008
She rambles
I've been in an uneasy place the last couple of days. Everything seems to be making me anxious, even little things like errands just feel like too much right now. I think it's mostly about pressures ramping up with work and school so I'm trying to just breathe and deal and wait for the storm to pass a little bit.
Work is supposedly going to be a nightmare this week, so I'm not really looking forward to tomorrow. The second wave rollout for the online payment system is happening, plus I think another couple of schools are starting classes on Monday. Add to that this logo project we're doing in class which required me to actually go to the LIBRARY and check out a BOOK for ideas (talk about extra effort!), and my anxiety about my second trainer appointment, and I'm a bit of a nervous wreck.
I really shouldn't be worried about work though...yeah it will be tough and we'll be really busy, but everyone has done a great job so far of keeping up with the changes and learning on the fly and I'm sure that will continue. And I shouldn't be worried about class because I got an A on the ad redesign project (yes, that's my third A in a row..woo!) and I have some good ideas about this logo thing. And I shouldn't be worried about my trainer appointment because last time I kicked ass and she was very receptive when I felt like I needed to take a break or try something else.
Okay, so if I'm not worried about those things, what the F am I worried about? Things have been changing at an alarming rate lately. I've been meeting new people, trying new social things, stretching my boundaries, etc. It's kind of scary. Some days I really miss the old codependent relationship cocoon, where I didn't really have to be anybody or do anything outside the norm. And I suppose I could still live my life that way, if I really wanted to. I don't actually have to meet people or try new things, and I certainly don't have to stretch my boundaries. But if I don't do that I will end up with one of those tiny lives where I go to work, come straight home, eat my little frozen dinner and watch TV until I can't keep my eyes open any longer. God, there are some days that I'm dangerously close to that now! So yeah, going back to that is not an option.
Perhaps it's that my inner self is struggling between fear and growth and every so often, fear wins. This is one of those times. It's not enough to make me run home and just hide under the covers (though it is enough to make me want to) but it still just sits there on my back making it hard to make the next move. I wonder if there is some way I can just will it away. I bet Pema would say I should just embrace the effing fear and stop trying to avoid it. Sigh...she's probably right.
Anyway, sorry I'm all over the place today. Sometimes I just have to say some stuff. I hope you are all doing well!
xo,
C
Work is supposedly going to be a nightmare this week, so I'm not really looking forward to tomorrow. The second wave rollout for the online payment system is happening, plus I think another couple of schools are starting classes on Monday. Add to that this logo project we're doing in class which required me to actually go to the LIBRARY and check out a BOOK for ideas (talk about extra effort!), and my anxiety about my second trainer appointment, and I'm a bit of a nervous wreck.
I really shouldn't be worried about work though...yeah it will be tough and we'll be really busy, but everyone has done a great job so far of keeping up with the changes and learning on the fly and I'm sure that will continue. And I shouldn't be worried about class because I got an A on the ad redesign project (yes, that's my third A in a row..woo!) and I have some good ideas about this logo thing. And I shouldn't be worried about my trainer appointment because last time I kicked ass and she was very receptive when I felt like I needed to take a break or try something else.
Okay, so if I'm not worried about those things, what the F am I worried about? Things have been changing at an alarming rate lately. I've been meeting new people, trying new social things, stretching my boundaries, etc. It's kind of scary. Some days I really miss the old codependent relationship cocoon, where I didn't really have to be anybody or do anything outside the norm. And I suppose I could still live my life that way, if I really wanted to. I don't actually have to meet people or try new things, and I certainly don't have to stretch my boundaries. But if I don't do that I will end up with one of those tiny lives where I go to work, come straight home, eat my little frozen dinner and watch TV until I can't keep my eyes open any longer. God, there are some days that I'm dangerously close to that now! So yeah, going back to that is not an option.
Perhaps it's that my inner self is struggling between fear and growth and every so often, fear wins. This is one of those times. It's not enough to make me run home and just hide under the covers (though it is enough to make me want to) but it still just sits there on my back making it hard to make the next move. I wonder if there is some way I can just will it away. I bet Pema would say I should just embrace the effing fear and stop trying to avoid it. Sigh...she's probably right.
Anyway, sorry I'm all over the place today. Sometimes I just have to say some stuff. I hope you are all doing well!
xo,
C
Thursday, August 7, 2008
On the radio
Click here to download the audio of the radio show.
I had fun, though there are so many more things I wanted to say. Specifically about gastric bypass surgery, which seems like an incredibly drastic way to handle a physical condition that may or may not be directly detrimental to your physical health. People die from that surgery. Here's a bit from an article on the Seattle KOMO news website:
So say you're one of the lucky ones who don't die. You win a life of chronic bad breath, diarrhea, stomach aches, malnutrition, etc. But you'll be thin, right? Sounds like a pretty terrible thing to do to yourself voluntarily. You know, lobotomies used to be thought of as a good idea too. Sometimes medical science is just wrong.
Anyway, that'll do for now. If we had been given a second to wrap up, I would have said that fat people deserve to be treated just as well as everyone else and that I hoped that any fat people who were listening would consider loving themselves as they are and living their lives instead of waiting until they were thin. Or something more eloquent than that. But anyway....woo! I was on the radio! :)
xo
I had fun, though there are so many more things I wanted to say. Specifically about gastric bypass surgery, which seems like an incredibly drastic way to handle a physical condition that may or may not be directly detrimental to your physical health. People die from that surgery. Here's a bit from an article on the Seattle KOMO news website:
Dr. David Flume with the UW is following up on the surgeries done
in our state. His findings are frightening.
"What we found is that in
Washington State the risk of dying within 30 days of the operation is 1-in-50 or
two percent," Flume told us. "It's about the same rate we see with open heart
surgery, so we think this just highlights the importance of going into this
operation with your eyes open."
So say you're one of the lucky ones who don't die. You win a life of chronic bad breath, diarrhea, stomach aches, malnutrition, etc. But you'll be thin, right? Sounds like a pretty terrible thing to do to yourself voluntarily. You know, lobotomies used to be thought of as a good idea too. Sometimes medical science is just wrong.
Anyway, that'll do for now. If we had been given a second to wrap up, I would have said that fat people deserve to be treated just as well as everyone else and that I hoped that any fat people who were listening would consider loving themselves as they are and living their lives instead of waiting until they were thin. Or something more eloquent than that. But anyway....woo! I was on the radio! :)
xo
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
OPB Show!
Hey everybody! Just wanted to let you know that I will be on the radio with OPB tomorrow! They're doing a show on fatness and what it's like to be a fat person, and of course I have some things to say.
Here's the info on the segment: http://action.publicbroadcasting.net/opb/posts/list/1356809.page
If you want to listen: http://www.opb.org/thinkoutloud/listen/
The show is live from 9-10 AM and will be rebroadcast from 9-10 PM. I'm pretty nervous but excited too. I'm hoping I will get a chance to put a human voice on the fat experience, at least a little bit.
Send me good thoughts!
xo,
C
Here's the info on the segment: http://action.publicbroadcasting.net/opb/posts/list/1356809.page
If you want to listen: http://www.opb.org/thinkoutloud/listen/
The show is live from 9-10 AM and will be rebroadcast from 9-10 PM. I'm pretty nervous but excited too. I'm hoping I will get a chance to put a human voice on the fat experience, at least a little bit.
Send me good thoughts!
xo,
C
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Hey
It has been a busy week but that's not why I haven't written. I'm having one of those weeks where everything I can think of to write about sounds so inane or ridiculous that I don't even want to bother to put text to it. here are some updates anyway:
Last week at work was all about getting the new hires up to speed. Yesterday my company rolled out a new online payment website and some of the virtual high school classes started so things were incredibly busy. I felt good though...I'm the lead for the team that was handling the majority of these issues and my newbies (and the non-newbies) all stepped up and did a great job handling the extra call volume. There were definitely some unexpected issues, but everyone rolled with it and we provided some great support. I know I'm a cheeseball because I care so much about that stuff, but getting it right is really the only thing that makes this job worth it.
I've hung out with a friend of Christina's from the dance party a few times and yesterday when I was thinking about him I realized that I have no idea how to get to know people anymore. It happened with J1 and now with J2 I am finding that I have no idea how to just chill out and be myself. I think part of the problem is that I don't really have a clearly defined identity right now since so much of my life is in flux. I think the other part is that there are parts of my personality that I don't exactly like and that I instinctively attempt to keep hidden. Why do people do that? It seems so illogical because eventually that person is going to see me for who I am and like it or not, so what's the point of pretending to be non-neurotic and together when on the inside I'm a flipping mess? Oh right...so I don't scare the people. Maybe I just need to find some braver folks to get to know...
School is going pretty well. I got an A on my midterm, so that was pretty awesome. I turned in the ad project yesterday and now we are going to start a project designing a logo. I'm feeling pretty good about this one, plus it's the last project of the class so I'm looking forward to being done.
I have my first session tonight with the new personal trainer. I'm feeling a fair amount of anxiety but I have to keep my eyes on the prize: running a marathon. It is absolutely something I want to do someday and it is going to take a lot of work to get there and I've got to find some way to be anxious about it and still do it anyway. I'll keep you posted.
That's all for now.
xo
update: I have honestly never felt better in my life than I do at this moment. I had such a great workout! This must be what it feels like to enjoy exercise... yay!
Last week at work was all about getting the new hires up to speed. Yesterday my company rolled out a new online payment website and some of the virtual high school classes started so things were incredibly busy. I felt good though...I'm the lead for the team that was handling the majority of these issues and my newbies (and the non-newbies) all stepped up and did a great job handling the extra call volume. There were definitely some unexpected issues, but everyone rolled with it and we provided some great support. I know I'm a cheeseball because I care so much about that stuff, but getting it right is really the only thing that makes this job worth it.
I've hung out with a friend of Christina's from the dance party a few times and yesterday when I was thinking about him I realized that I have no idea how to get to know people anymore. It happened with J1 and now with J2 I am finding that I have no idea how to just chill out and be myself. I think part of the problem is that I don't really have a clearly defined identity right now since so much of my life is in flux. I think the other part is that there are parts of my personality that I don't exactly like and that I instinctively attempt to keep hidden. Why do people do that? It seems so illogical because eventually that person is going to see me for who I am and like it or not, so what's the point of pretending to be non-neurotic and together when on the inside I'm a flipping mess? Oh right...so I don't scare the people. Maybe I just need to find some braver folks to get to know...
School is going pretty well. I got an A on my midterm, so that was pretty awesome. I turned in the ad project yesterday and now we are going to start a project designing a logo. I'm feeling pretty good about this one, plus it's the last project of the class so I'm looking forward to being done.
I have my first session tonight with the new personal trainer. I'm feeling a fair amount of anxiety but I have to keep my eyes on the prize: running a marathon. It is absolutely something I want to do someday and it is going to take a lot of work to get there and I've got to find some way to be anxious about it and still do it anyway. I'll keep you posted.
That's all for now.
xo
update: I have honestly never felt better in my life than I do at this moment. I had such a great workout! This must be what it feels like to enjoy exercise... yay!
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