Look how pretty!

I got my new bike on Saturday and didn't have a lock for it yet, so I decided to keep it in the bedroom. I spent the rest of the weekend in bed, catching up on 30 Rock and trying to get over this crappy cold. I still have the raspy voice thing going on, but this morning was the first time I woke up and didn't feel like death, so I suppose that's progress. It's odd for me to have a cold that lasts more than two days, so I am really really ready to be done with this one.

The sucky thing about having a long-lasting cold is that you have to continue handling your responsibilities when all you feel like doing is going back to bed. The upside of that situation is that when you finally start to feel a little better, everything that was stressing you out seems like a walk in the park. For instance, I had a meeting with my lawyer before work this morning. I had scheduled it last week when I was feeling most terrible and was dreading it all weekend, but this morning I just got all my paperwork together, got myself there on the bus (which I'm always a little proud of...I don't need no stinking car!) and handled my business. This was our last meeting before my hearing and it was kind of a load off to finally have all my paperwork in. Now I just have to go next week to the trustee's office and have him evaluate my case. I cannot WAIT to be done with this whole mess. If nothing else, going through this myself has really changed my opinion of people who file bankruptcy. It's such an arduous process you really need to have some inner strength or force of will to get you through it. It's almost....character building. How odd.

I'm so pumped about being able to breathe again, I think I'm going to go home and clean the house. I'm actually looking forward to vacuuming. Like seriously, I'm excited about it. Man, that's sad. Did I mention I'm 30?

xo,
C

An astonishing discovery

I had a realization tonight that seems so obvious now that I've thought of it that I can't believe it was never clear to me before: life does not actually happen the way it is portrayed in movies, tv, books, songs, magazines, or advertisements. There is no real logic, there is no perceived justice, the deserving don't win, the cheaters aren't punished, the right guy doesn't end up with the right girl and they don't live happily ever after, the meek don't rise up in triumph against the powerful, and jackasses don't evolve and regret their jackassery.

The realization came to me as I was having one of those evenings where everything is just a little more frustrating than it needs to be and I had a thought I've had before: "I should write a short story with a character who is just like me except that everything works out exactly the way she wants it to." A few beats later, I realized that there are probably a lot of fiction writers who started out that way, just wanting to feel like they had some control over a universe, even if it was one they had created and not the one they live in. Then that thought extended to screenwriters, songwriters, etc and I realized that it's all just some writer's made up bullshit. I mean, of COURSE it is, but no seriously, it really really is. And that kind of scares the shit out of me because a lot of what I know about being an adult (or a human anyway) I learned from fictional media. I mean, I've obviously got the basics down...I have a job, I pay my bills, I'm not being indicted for anything I'm aware of...but what about beyond that?

I don't quite know what to do with this knowledge now. My whole adult life I have been walking around with this mistaken belief that as long as I just keep being a good person and kind to others and not too much of an asshole (and stay positive, and try harder, and change this or that about myself), that eventually, my life will work out the way I always wanted it to. But that's all bullshit, isn't it? There's no guarantee I won't end up penniless and alone in a gutter somewhere, no matter how many things I do 'right' in my life.

Granted, that realization carries with it a measure of freedom. I mean, if the ideas I have about how I should be or what I should become are all bullshit, then there's not so much pressure to do everything right and fit into a particular mold, right? But the bottom line is that I have zero control over the end result, and that drives me crazy. Sure, I can make choices and try new things that I think will propel me in the general direction of my goals, but for whichever choices I make there are infinite outcomes and I don't get to choose the one I get. That sucks.

Mom, I finally get what you meant when you said 'Life isn't fair' all those times...and it kinda makes me sad.

Among the undead

I have a cold that is kicking my ass. I'll write more when I can form a coherent thought.

xo,
C

Friday I'm In Love

I went to the bike shop during my lunch hour today, thinking I would just talk to the custom bike guy about getting a bike built for me. Little did I know that I was about to fall in love. No, not with the bike shop guy. I fell in love with the most beautiful bright pink bicycle that anyone has ever seen. I'm going to get them to put some new wheels on it and probably some fenders, but one way or another that baby is coming home with me!

I'm a little terrified because I really haven't ridden a bike since I was a kid and that was only on my suburban neighborhood streets. I have no idea how to actually ride in traffic. Luckily the neighborhood I live in now isn't really a high-traffic area and there is a park with an asphalt path nearby so I have a few low-stress places to get started.

The bike as-is price was only $250 so I can use some of my budget for the new wheels and fenders and still have plenty left over for other necessities (like a helmet, a lock, a pretty basket with daisies on it ;). I'll post pictures when I finally get it home.

In other news, T and I are going to the JRR Tolkien birthday celebration at the Kennedy School tomorrow. They're showing all of the Lord of the Rings movies (oh yes, the extended cuts) back to back! My eyes may actually fall out of my head by the end of the day, but it should be fun anyway. There will be beer :)

Have a happy weekend everybody!

Dear Crochet, I love you. xo, Carrie

Okay, so I taught myself to crochet and it was super-easy, most likely owing to the fact that my poor mother has taught me about twenty times before and it never quite caught on. So this time it was pretty easy to just pick it up.

I went to Freddie's on Friday night and bought a crochet hook and some cheap practice yarn (and some incense and a frozen pizza...Freddie's has everything a girl could want!), then I got my hands on this book that my mom had given me sometime during the last attempt and got to crochetin'. I started by doing a square of the basic stitches, then I picked a block from the book that didn't look too complicated and made that with my cheap (but lovely) practice yarn. I finished the block the next evening, then dug through my tiny yarn stash and found some lovely cotton in complementary colors so I made another of the same block, this time changing colors when the pattern said to. It turned out pretty well, but I don't really know what I'm going to do with two mismatched blocks. Maybe I'll just keep making blocks in whatever yarn I have and at the end I'll sew them all together into the ugliest afghan ever. Woo.

Before Tater destroyed my yarn stash, I had been working on a scarf using this great fuzzy chenille-y yarn in some awesome 70's colors (pumpkin, chocolate brown, avocado and cream). Anyway, she killed what was left of my skeins but I had the half-finished scarf still, so last night I unraveled it and repurposed the yarn to make this cute little bag.

T liked it so much she took it off my hands, but I think I will have to get some more of that yarn and maybe make one for myself. Mom was right...crochet is super-fast. Hurray for instant gratification! :)

History

In case you were wondering, I didn't go to the class on Wednesday, but I emailed the guy and he said I could catch up next class. So I'm pretty sure I'm going to go, which is awesome because I've been thinking about doing this for a long time and it's just never been the right time.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about who I am and all of the things that have occurred and decisions I've made that have gotten me to this particular moment, which is weird for me because I usually don't think all that much about my past. My life is pretty much about moving forward, making progress, accomplishing something new, reaching for the next goal. It's actually kind of a dissatisfying way to live, because I'm never satisfied with what I've already accomplished. Anyway, for whatever reason my mind has been floating around in the past lately.

It's interesting to apply 30 year old logic to something that happened to me when I was a kid and hasn't been re-evaluated since then. I find that a lot of things that I was upset about tend not to bother me so much now that I can understand why they happened, though some things bother me more than they did, like the series of obscene phone calls I got when I was about ten years old. At the time, I just thought it was creepy and weird but now it totally freaks me out to think that some pervy grown man knew my name and phone number and called me repeatedly. Or when on the last day of fifth grade, my teacher took me aside and told me to go home and lose weight over the summer. When that happened I was ashamed and embarrassed to be singled out, but when I think about it now it first makes me angry for little roly-poly fifth grade Carrie and then it makes me feel sorry for my teacher, who clearly was dealing with some body issues of her own.

Anyway, all of these things add up to make me who I am today, I guess, which makes me wish I could remember more of them. It's annoying that my brain chose to use precious storage space for the lyrics to Ice Ice Baby instead of remembering the first time I rode a bike or some other iconic moment. Makes me think maybe I should be writing down what I remember now, lest it get overwritten by some insignificant song on the radio and I end up unable to recall anything about where I came from.

I realized the other day that since I'm the only one living in my house, I can play the piano as much as I want without bugging anyone. So that's my big plan for tonight...I'm going to go home and play the piano and maybe teach myself to crochet. Then maybe I'll read a book and go to bed early. Yeah baby! Do thirty-year-olds know how to party or what?!

xo,
C

Is it Spring yet?

I spent this morning in my lawyer's office, trying to get this financial mess squared away. Within the next half hour, I will be officially on my way to being bankrupt. It feels like a punch in the stomach to say that, but the circumstances that brought me here have been unchangeable fact for so long that at this point I'm just glad to finally take this step towards getting my creditworthiness and financial self-respect back.

I got a call yesterday that they are having another jewelry class at the studio I was going to go to in November. The class starts today though, and I'm not sure if I'm going to go. For one, I'm tired. For two, I don't really want to spend the money right now since I'm saving for my bike. For three, I'm not really in a jewelry-making frame of mind lately. I'm going to sit with the idea for a little while before deciding though. It's hard to tell sometimes if I'm actually deciding not to do something because I prefer not to do it or if I'm just giving in to the fear of new things.

I'm thinking about turning my middle bedroom into a meditation/yoga room but right now there is a bunch of furniture and several piles of things in there. Actually, if I really let myself think about it, there are about a million things that I want to do with each room in my house. Most of my plans are stymied by all of the crap I still have laying around. No matter how much stuff I get rid of, there still seems to be more! If it were nicer weather I might think about having a yard sale. Hmmm...maybe I still will.

I finally finished Jane Eyre and really loved it. I watched the PBS Masterpiece Theatre version this week and I had to laugh at myself because I found myself thinking "That's not how it was in the book! They're ruining it!" like an elitist book snob. Still, it was enjoyable to see someone else's interpretation of the story on screen. I think next I'll tackle some Jane Austen...maybe Pride and Prejudice.

That's all that's new with me...how have you been?

xo,
C

Sigh...

ugh. Work is really busy today and I would rather be almost anywhere else. Also, I'm dealing with the home stretch of the whole ugly foreclosure mess and I'm totally bugged about something someone said to me earlier, though at the same time, I know I'm feeling sensitive and probably misinterpreting what was said. I think I need a hug.

Thinking about possibilities

I'm on call this weekend.

I'll give you a moment for the feelings of disbelief and outrage to subside.

Okay, so this on call isn't so bad, actually. I get paid for four work hours plus 15 minutes for every call I take. Also, I have an hour to respond to any issue, so I don't have to be chained to my laptop, and I'm only on call from 9AM-4PM Saturday and Sunday. Still, the specter of discover-e-style life-sucking on-calledness looms...I feel a wee bit stressed about it.

I said at Christmas that one of the things that frustrates me so much (philosophically) about my company is that they charge so much for child care but they pay the actual child care providers so little. The other day it occurred to me (or someone pointed it out to me, I can't remember) that one of the reasons they do this is so they can pay my very generous salary. Does it follow then, that I am part of the problem? By pushing my boss to pay me more money, am I somewhere down the line causing there to be less money available for the child care providers? I know it's not as simple as all that, but it does make me wonder. If nothing else, it's the perfect illustration of the problem I have with corporate child care. What's more important to my company, the people who fix the computers or the people who actually interact with the children? Seems pretty clear where their priorities are.

This realization also makes me think about why I work where I work, and in this field. I mean, am I really helping anybody? Does it really matter that I answer the phone and tell them to reboot and now whatever they were trying to do before is working? For the longest time I have stuck with this field because the money was necessary to support my "lifestyle" (whatever you make of that), but lately since I've been on my own and scaling back on my bills, I've been wondering, just how much money do I actually need to live happily? Could I take a pay cut to do something I actually enjoy or that really makes a difference? The matter requires more thought, to be sure. It would be nice to enjoy going to work. Not necessarily every day, but maybe once in a while I could not dread getting out of bed. That would be cool.