Unexpected but awesome :)

I had a moment yesterday where I realized I really like the person I grew up to be. It was an odd moment for me because I had this immediate urge to share it with someone but I couldn't really envision calling someone up and saying, "hey, guess what? I just realized that I like myself!" Pretty cheesetastic. But it's true, and it's significant, so I decided to share it with you fine people.

In other news, I'm moving on Saturday. I'm actually 90% done with the packing, which is completely unheard of and I'm fully expecting something incredible to happen between now and then that will set me back and make me have to start over. We'll see.

This is gonna have to be a short entry because I have to run to a meeting. I love the idea of meetings...they sound so important but then when you actually get into them it's just a bunch of the same yahoos in a room talking about the same work crap. And I've got wall to wall meetings these next two days for KCDL. I like going to these though because it gives me the illusion that I have some control over how we provide support for the high school program. Sometimes an illusion is all you need...

A really good day

I had an incredible day today. I started seeing this therapist last week and today was my second appointment. Boy, I did not expect to start seeing things differently so soon, but today's appointment was a real eye-opener! I won't go into detail about it here, but suffice it to say that I came out of the session with a totally different perspective on some recent events and I could not be happier about that.

T started seeing a therapist several months ago when we first split up, and since then she has been browbeating me (um..in a good way?) to find my own and get my sanity on. Well anyway, she was totally right, even after only two sessions I am feeling like therapy is the best! thing! ever! and I think everybody should go get some if they haven't already.

On another note, Brian and I have often talked about the idea of running a marathon together in some exotic location (usually somewhere in Europe) at some predetermined time in the future, and today I decided where and when that is going to happen. I'm not going to say where, though I am pretty sure I'm set on the location, but the when part is February 2010. So see, I'm giving myself a good long time to get into running shape, so as not to stress myself too much. I've got a ways to go before my body is ready to take that kind of a physical beating. So anyway, I'm going to start now. My big strategy for this phase of my training? Walk more. Nothing specific, no calendars or plans, no mileage requirements or timelines. I'm simply going to walk more than I am currently walking now. I'm going to walk when it is convenient and when I feel like it. I'm going to go at my own pace and only as far as I want to go. It actually sounds kinda fun.

Today, as I walked from work to the bus stop instead of waiting for the train, I thought smugly to myself "I'm in training for a marathon." Awesome. :)

I negotiated!

I have been thinking about buying a new bed for a few weeks now, since T and I decided I would be leaving our old bed at the house. Anyway, I've been putting it off for a little while but tonight I decided it was the perfect time so I went to the mattress store. According to the internets (which are never wrong), you are supposed to negotiate for mattresses just like you would negotiate for a car. I had no idea about this, and I have totally been getting screwed because I have always paid the price as marked. Anyway, as I pulled into the parking lot of the mattress place, I began to get pretty anxious about going in there and getting what I needed. I sat in my car in the parking lot for a few minutes, just psyching myself up, then I finally went inside.

All of the websites about shopping for a mattress say to take your time and really lay on the mattresses as you would at home, try your favorite sleeping positions and really just get comfortable. I totally did this on several different mattresses and it made a definite difference because there were some that were comfortable when I first laid down that were not so much anymore after I had laid there for ten minutes or so. This taking my time thing is very out of character for me, so I was happy that I was able to make it work. The salesman was friendly but not too pushy while I was trying the mattresses out, and for the most part he left me alone.

I wanted to try one of the schmancy foam mattresses (think Tempurpedic) and see if they were all they were cracked up to be, so that's where I started. They were all marked pretty far out of my price range so I wasn't too attached to the idea of getting one. That is, until I actually laid on one. Holy crap, that shit was comfortable! As I was laying on it, the sales guy came by and said that they had 'just had a sale' on these (yeah right...there's always one sale or another going on) and that he was going to 'check in the back' and see if they still had any left at the sale price. The sale price was about half of what was listed on the price tag but more than I was planning to spend, so I just stayed quiet. I tried some more traditional spring mattresses and there was one that I liked pretty well but I kept coming back to the foam one.

I decided to just see how good of a deal I could get him to give me on the foam mattress, so I told him that was the one I was interested in. He gave me the 'sale' price and then started adding on things like delivery, the box spring, a frame, etc. Hundreds of dollars more. I told him I had intended to spend about $300 less than the 'sale' price for just the mattress and he was like "ooh..yeah...we can't go that low for that bed". I remained quiet and waited for him to counter with something a little closer to my offer and he poked away at his adding machine and came up with a price that was below the 'sale' price and also included all of the extras he had added on top. I had read that you should try to get them to throw in things like sheets or pillows if you get to a point where they won't budge on price, so I asked him about throwing some sheets in and he did. Small victory on that though, because they're 200 thread count and since I bought some 800 thread count sheets a month ago, I have been a total thread count snob. But it made me feel better to get them thrown in anyway.

So if you look at the actual retail price of the mattress (which in reality nobody ever actually pays), I ended up saving over 50% plus getting a bunch of stuff thrown in. Granted, the sales guy did most of the price cutting for me by mentioning the 'sale', so I'm guessing I probably ended up with a pretty fair price for what I got. I'm still proud of having negotiated though, even if it didn't save me a million bucks. And also, now I will have a bed to sleep in on moving day! A schmancy foam one! Woo!

Hmm....

Sometimes, writing here can be like therapy, pulling thoughts out of my head and looking at them at arm's length to really see what's going on. Well anyway, I had just written this rambly entry about how I'm feeling about moving and how overwhelming it all is, when I realized something: while I do need to honor what I'm feeling and hopefully come to understand it, the time has come to suck it up and actually start doing the work. I've been using being overwhelmed as an excuse to not do anything over the past few weeks and it's clear that if I keep doing that, nothing will get done and I'll be even more overwhelmed two weeks from now when the movers show up. So this week, I'm going to get some shit done. I'll keep you posted.

xo

The trouble with packing

I think I'm going to try to pack some tonight. The problem with moving is that it takes a long time to pack up your stuff and unless you have a bunch of stuff that you don't really use (in which case, why bother to bring it with you?), it is likely that you will need some of the things you are packing again before it is actually time to move. So I'm grumpy about packing ahead of time because I don't want to have to live out of boxes for two and a half weeks. This is on top of any emotionally-based reluctance to delving in and dividing T's and my stuff, plus the basic overwhelming nature of moving in general. With all of those obstacles, it will be some kind of Christmas miracle if I can actually manage to get everything in boxes by moving day. But I'm gonna try anyway.

Oh right, reality.

I've been feeling pretty angsty lately. I've been carrying around this ball of uncomfortable emotions for the past few weeks, trying to find somewhere, anywhere to deposit it so I can just get back to normal. But right now isn't normal and I need to stop acting like it should be. In three weeks I am moving out of the house I shared with my partner of ten years. Between now and then I am going to have to sort through our things, split them up into mine and hers, decide which of our shared memories are more important to me and which are more important to her. After that, I'm going to pack all of 'my' things in boxes and move them to someone else's house. In effect, I'm going to start over. I will have to figure out who the hell I am by myself and what I really want from this life.

You would think I might have already started doing this after she moved out, but honestly I have been living largely the same life with the same rules and the same values as when she was here. I have continued to be the Carrie that was T's partner, even though the interaction between us is no longer the way it was. Sure, there have been some changes, we're both involved in other relationships now, we can hardly talk to each other without the pain creeping in and making things tense between us, we of course don't live together. But I find myself holding on to the idea of being part of that relationship. For ten years I defined myself in part by what I was in that relationship. And now it's over.

In three weeks I will finish moving the majority of my things into the little basement apartment I rented. I will close the door, I will sit on the bed and I will probably feel the most lost and scared that I have ever felt in my adult life. Or maybe I won't let myself feel it that day. Maybe I'll subvert my feelings and go distract myself at someone else's house. But at some point, I will be alone in that room and I will have to face the fact that I am all there is and that I have to figure this shit out for myself. I don't know who I'm going to be. I don't know how I'm going to change. All I know is that I won't be exactly who I am now anymore and it scares the shit out of me.

Though deep down, I also know it's going to be okay.

Things move pretty fast around here

On Saturday, T decided that she wanted to move back into the house a month sooner than we had planned, so now I'm moving out at the beginning of May instead of the beginning of June (which also means I will be relatively settled by the time my birthday rolls around, which is nice). Anyway, the weekend was filled with much anxiety along the lines of "holy shit! where the hell am I going to live in three weeks?". Sunday morning I woke up with the express purpose of finding a new place that would work, so I got on craigslist and sent out a few inquiry emails. Somewhere along the line, I started thinking about the idea of living with a roommate (or several) instead of just getting my own place. There are at least two big advantages to this idea: first of all, it is way cheaper to live with someone than to live by myself, second, I've been feeling a little sheltered and solitary lately and I'd like to change that about myself. I'm tired of being afraid of new people and new experiences. I want to get out there, force myself to meet some people and get over that fear. So living with someone else will at least put me in some more situations where I will meet new people. I think it will be really good for me.

I found several possible situations on craigslist and sent them each a letter of introduction. I heard back from a lot of people, but the one I was most excited about called me yesterday evening so I took the bus over to her house to check it out. I got a really good feeling when I was there and it seems like a situation that will really give me what I'm looking for. The other woman living there seems pretty cool, the room is in the basement and has its own bathroom, there's an entrance on the side of the house where you can go into the kitchen or you can go right down to the basement, so it's pretty private without being completely separate from the rest of the house. Also, there are bus lines nearby that go to the three places I would want to go regularly: work, T's house and J's house.

S (the roommate) told me that I was the front runner for the place, so I feel pretty good about my chances. The one big sticking point is that I have to be approved by the landlord which usually means a credit check. Since the bankruptcy, my credit looks like a dinosaur stepped on it so I'm pretty concerned about what that will mean for my ability to rent the room. I'm trying to stay optimistic though. I'm pretty sure I can get a good reference from my current landlord, plus my salary will definitely cover the rent with no problem so I should look like a pretty good risk because of that. I really hope it works out.

So yeah...on Friday I had no idea where the heck I was going to be in June and now if everything works out, I know exactly where I'm going to be and when. Finally. :)