I have been losing weight. Well, I assume I'm losing weight...I'm definitely losing fat. The thing is, most people would think this is clearly a positive thing and I should be jumping for joy and so pleased with myself but I have to tell you it's just not that simple. Sure, there's a smug little part of me (undoubtedly left over from the first 20 or so years of my life) that erroneously thinks "yay! Now everything in my life will be better!". The rest of me, though, is a little freaked out.
I'm experiencing the odd sensation of my body not feeling like my body. The other day I was scratching an itch on my forearm when I realized that it felt a lot smaller than I remember. It literally did not feel like me...it wasn't soft enough, it wasn't large enough. I could feel the bone too clearly and my hand fit around more of it than usual. I experienced this again a day later when I touched my face. I sometimes do this contemplative thing where I stroke my jawline with my thumb and middle finger and as I was doing it, I realized my chin felt a lot more pointy than it usually does and there was not nearly enough fat on my jaw.
I have also done the thing where I notice myself in a shop window or a mirror as I'm walking by and I don't look like myself as much. I don't notice it when I'm looking at my face in the mirror since I do that every day and gradual changes aren't noticeable, but I don't look at my whole body every day, so the changes there are more obvious. And again, part of me is happy (because I know what it's like to live in the fat body I've been living in for the past however many years, but I don't know what it's like to live in a thinner body, and everyone keeps saying it's better, so I'm interested to see if that's true) and part of me is freaked out, because this fatness is a big part of my identity. Who the hell am I if I'm not the giant, mouthy fat girl?
Other strange things have been happening to me as a result of the marathon training. Lately the muscles in my legs feel...springier somehow...and I often have the urge to run or jog where I would normally just be walking. I don't have the endurance to run everywhere, but when I experience that urge and there's nobody around, I do indulge it a little bit and jog until I need to stop. It's so strange being prompted by my body to do more physically! For the most part my body has always seemed to want me to slow down, so I'm enjoying this weird sensation.
There's a big mental component to overcome, though, because I still have a lot of voices that are sure that I can't do what I want to do physically. My last training session was really challenging (in a good way) because my trainer pushed me beyond whatever limits I thought I had. It was a hard one emotionally because the fear came up a lot when I was afraid I couldn't complete a set. I left her studio totally wiped out but feeling incredible about the possibilities. A tiny little part of me is starting to believe, to REALLY believe that it is possible for me to run 26.2 miles. I can't wait to see what happens next.
xo,
C
Friday, September 19, 2008
Sunday, September 14, 2008
A break in the clouds
Despite all of my expectations to the contrary, this has been a very good weekend. I started out Saturday morning by delivering my mom's car back to her (I had borrowed it while I was housesitting for them) and as she was driving me home, we had one of those great moments that you can't predict where we were really talking and connecting as mother and daughter. For a moment, I felt both of us drop our ever-present walls around ourselves and just...trust. Of course it was over too quickly when we arrived at my house but that is how those moments are.
The rest of Saturday was an exercise in dealing with that untethered lonely feeling. I had no specific plans and nobody I knew was around to do something on the spur of the moment, so it was entirely up to me what I would do for the rest of the day. During our talk in the car, Mom had said something about how one day I would be all busy with my family and I would long for days when there were no demands on me and I could make all the decisions. That stuck with me throughout the day and I really tried to stop and take in my surroundings and appreciate the moment, because she's probably right...there will come a day when all I want is some peace and quiet and freedom of will so I might as well enjoy it now. I don't remember much of what I did. I worked out a little on my cardio glide, I read some of Emma, I had a nice chat with Theresa and I ordered a pizza. Fun stuff! Oh wait, I also hooked up the x box and played a little of the matrix game. Combat is not my thing. :)
Today T and I had plans to go to McMenamins and watch the Seahawks game. That was loads of fun, though they eventually lost in overtime. We may make it a regular thing. Afterwards I went home, watched Serenity (the Firefly movie...I've been watching the only season of Firefly on Hulu over the past week or so...it's really really good and I'm sad to be done with it ) and then since I didn't have anything better to do, I decided to watch In America so I could send all of my Netflix movies back. It was an incredible, beautiful movie. There was a moment where I couldn't get my laptop to play it and I was considering just sending it back anyway, but I'm so glad I didn't because I really would have missed out. I had a nice cry at the end...cathartic and all that.
I told T when we were at McMenamins that I think I'm finally coming to a place where I don't mind being single so much, and it's true. The anxiety I've felt about spending time alone seems to be dissipating slowly away. I don't anticipate that I'll be 100% super happy about being by myself all the time, but even having pockets of that okay feeling is better than the constant worrying. Right now, I actually feel somewhat at peace.
I hope you're all doing well.
xo,
C
The rest of Saturday was an exercise in dealing with that untethered lonely feeling. I had no specific plans and nobody I knew was around to do something on the spur of the moment, so it was entirely up to me what I would do for the rest of the day. During our talk in the car, Mom had said something about how one day I would be all busy with my family and I would long for days when there were no demands on me and I could make all the decisions. That stuck with me throughout the day and I really tried to stop and take in my surroundings and appreciate the moment, because she's probably right...there will come a day when all I want is some peace and quiet and freedom of will so I might as well enjoy it now. I don't remember much of what I did. I worked out a little on my cardio glide, I read some of Emma, I had a nice chat with Theresa and I ordered a pizza. Fun stuff! Oh wait, I also hooked up the x box and played a little of the matrix game. Combat is not my thing. :)
Today T and I had plans to go to McMenamins and watch the Seahawks game. That was loads of fun, though they eventually lost in overtime. We may make it a regular thing. Afterwards I went home, watched Serenity (the Firefly movie...I've been watching the only season of Firefly on Hulu over the past week or so...it's really really good and I'm sad to be done with it ) and then since I didn't have anything better to do, I decided to watch In America so I could send all of my Netflix movies back. It was an incredible, beautiful movie. There was a moment where I couldn't get my laptop to play it and I was considering just sending it back anyway, but I'm so glad I didn't because I really would have missed out. I had a nice cry at the end...cathartic and all that.
I told T when we were at McMenamins that I think I'm finally coming to a place where I don't mind being single so much, and it's true. The anxiety I've felt about spending time alone seems to be dissipating slowly away. I don't anticipate that I'll be 100% super happy about being by myself all the time, but even having pockets of that okay feeling is better than the constant worrying. Right now, I actually feel somewhat at peace.
I hope you're all doing well.
xo,
C
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Oh, hi there!
Holy crap! It has certainly been a while since I've updated. The culprit, I'm afraid, has been personal drama. I met some dude from the Yahoo Personals thing and at first I didn't write because I didn't want to jinx it, then I didn't write because it wasn't going as well as I had hoped, and finally he dumped me so I guess it's okay to write again. :)
What makes me crazy about the whole situation is that he had some really serious personality issues that I completely ignored because I was so taken in by his pursuit of me, compliments he would give me, and gentlemanly things he would do for me (even though I kind of don't know what to do with someone opening my car door for me...I get the gesture, but it's like...oh..how...quaint). Now that I look back on it, I can see that he really wasn't that nice of a person and we didn't agree on much philosophically. Also, he didn't appreciate my sarcasm. Seriously...not the dude for me. So I'm worried then, about my apparent lack of judgment when it comes to men. I know in the abstract what I'm looking for, but I seem to be giving an awful lot of leeway to some fellas for very little effort on their part.
T says I should give myself a break because I'm new to all of this, and I guess she's right. I was talking to W yesterday and I told him it feels like I have a punch card where I have to collect ten punches and then I get to have a successful relationship. Somehow I find this comforting...I'm not amassing a history of relationship failure, just kissing a bunch of frogs and learning a lot about myself in the process. Though actually this last one didn't even get to the kissing point, which I think is a supreme injustice. If I have to put up with a jerky boy, I should at least get to make out a little.
The other thing about this last fiasco that bugs me is that we had our first date at the Living Room theaters and now that place is a little tainted for me. Perhaps in a few weeks when I'm feeling less dumped I can go reclaim it.
In other news, I had the! best! workout! ever! yesterday. My trainer lives near the Adidas campus so we went over there, ran stairs, jogged a little, did all sorts of stuff. The reason I'm so jazzed about it is that there were several times during the workout where in my head I was like "fuck no, I can't do this shit!" and somehow I still managed to get it done (The fear is a powerful thing...I have to wonder how much it is preventing me from doing). It was awesome to be on the Adidas campus working out though...they've got a fancy soccer field that some folks were playing on (though it appears that maybe they were testing shoes or something in an official capacity...Adidas security gets really twitchy if mere mortals step onto the field) and it felt good to be working out in the presence of other athletes. My face was bright red and I was all sweaty for the better part of an hour afterwards, but I slept like a baby and today I feel energized and ready to kick some ass.
Oh...also? I'm not moving anymore. I'd like to say there is some big logical reason but really I just felt guilty enough about breaking my lease that I decided not to go through with it. Plus I really didn't have the money to execute a big move, so it makes more sense to stay put until my lease is up. Then I can really take some time, save some cash, and figure out where I want to be. Or that's what I tell myself :)
xo,
C
What makes me crazy about the whole situation is that he had some really serious personality issues that I completely ignored because I was so taken in by his pursuit of me, compliments he would give me, and gentlemanly things he would do for me (even though I kind of don't know what to do with someone opening my car door for me...I get the gesture, but it's like...oh..how...quaint). Now that I look back on it, I can see that he really wasn't that nice of a person and we didn't agree on much philosophically. Also, he didn't appreciate my sarcasm. Seriously...not the dude for me. So I'm worried then, about my apparent lack of judgment when it comes to men. I know in the abstract what I'm looking for, but I seem to be giving an awful lot of leeway to some fellas for very little effort on their part.
T says I should give myself a break because I'm new to all of this, and I guess she's right. I was talking to W yesterday and I told him it feels like I have a punch card where I have to collect ten punches and then I get to have a successful relationship. Somehow I find this comforting...I'm not amassing a history of relationship failure, just kissing a bunch of frogs and learning a lot about myself in the process. Though actually this last one didn't even get to the kissing point, which I think is a supreme injustice. If I have to put up with a jerky boy, I should at least get to make out a little.
The other thing about this last fiasco that bugs me is that we had our first date at the Living Room theaters and now that place is a little tainted for me. Perhaps in a few weeks when I'm feeling less dumped I can go reclaim it.
In other news, I had the! best! workout! ever! yesterday. My trainer lives near the Adidas campus so we went over there, ran stairs, jogged a little, did all sorts of stuff. The reason I'm so jazzed about it is that there were several times during the workout where in my head I was like "fuck no, I can't do this shit!" and somehow I still managed to get it done (The fear is a powerful thing...I have to wonder how much it is preventing me from doing). It was awesome to be on the Adidas campus working out though...they've got a fancy soccer field that some folks were playing on (though it appears that maybe they were testing shoes or something in an official capacity...Adidas security gets really twitchy if mere mortals step onto the field) and it felt good to be working out in the presence of other athletes. My face was bright red and I was all sweaty for the better part of an hour afterwards, but I slept like a baby and today I feel energized and ready to kick some ass.
Oh...also? I'm not moving anymore. I'd like to say there is some big logical reason but really I just felt guilty enough about breaking my lease that I decided not to go through with it. Plus I really didn't have the money to execute a big move, so it makes more sense to stay put until my lease is up. Then I can really take some time, save some cash, and figure out where I want to be. Or that's what I tell myself :)
xo,
C
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