Bikes and lamps

Last night as I was riding the bus home I saw a woman as fat as me on a bicycle and it reminded me once again that right now I can do whatever I like (I forget sometimes). So I strapped up my pant leg, got my tire pump out and got ready to take a bike ride, but I think there is something funky going on with my chain. Also, I realized that the front tire has never quite been fully inflated when I've been riding and the flattening has totally been making me nervous. Anyway, I'm gonna see what I can do about getting the chain to act right and then I'm going to ride the hell out of that bike.

Oh crap, I still need a lock and a helmet. Maybe this weekend.

Still no lamps. Well, I have one, but I have to move it around the room when I want light in different places. Not the best solution. The thing about lamps is, all the ones that I find visually appealing are ridiculously expensive and the ones I can afford (like at goodwill) look like rejects from the set of The Golden Girls. For some reason, I find it much easier to justify the extra expense of getting a visually appealing sofa or bedspread than I do a lamp, even though they all serve a specific function that would easily be taken care of by cheaper, uglier versions. Screw it. I'm going to save up and get some damn pretty lamps.

That's all thats going on today...no major drama, just living.

:)

The gift of impermanence

I read a chapter in the Pema Chodron book the other day about embracing the idea of impermanence (among other things), and as I was reading it, I realized something significant. I have always believed in the phrase 'this too shall pass' when it comes to negative emotions or experiences, but it never even occurred to me that happiness and joy and other positive emotions are transitory as well. I have been holding on to this erroneous belief that I could and should engineer and manipulate myself and my life until I fit this particular set of characteristics, and if I did all of that 'right' enough, then one day I would all of a sudden be happy forever. But it doesn't work that way at all.

If sorrow is transitory and impermanent then so is happiness. Initially that sounded like a downer, but when I really thought about it, I realized there's an immense freedom in that idea. There is literally NOTHING I or anyone else can do to ensure permanent happiness for myself. All I can do is try some things I think I might enjoy doing, make choices that seem like they would be right for me, and see how it all goes. Some things will turn out well and will make me happy, some things will turn out badly and make me unhappy...but neither of those feelings is permanent enough to be worthy of all of the hand-wringing and anxiety I have been putting myself through.

So today I feel pretty great, and I intend to enjoy it since I know for a fact that it won't last forever.

Last night when I arrived back at my basement apartment, I actually felt like I was coming home instead of living in exile. It was a good feeling, one I haven't felt in a long time. Perhaps it's time to actually move in and live there instead of just ducking and covering and waiting for life to stop being so hard. I think I'll buy some lamps. :)

Checking in

My emotions have been so all over the map lately, I've avoided writing anything because I know a few minutes later I will just change my mind about what I've said and take it down. I guess you could say I'm not feeling very sure of myself these days. Like everything else, I'm sure it will pass.

I have therapy today, which is a very good thing. I need to be therapized like nobody's business.

xo