One more

One more excerpt, because it's just so good:

10. my friends

This one says: ‘fuck, I have gotten so FAT!’

This one says: ‘I can’t go to the lecture with you - I have to go to
the gym, I had a pastry this morning.’

This one says: ‘Well, it’s good to see you not looking so porny these
days. I guess you’re getting hassled less now that you’re back down here with
the rest of us.’

This one says: ‘No, she’s just shy – she doesn’t talk to anyone. It’s
not a sexual competition thing,’ and without pointing out how he is complicit in
the dynamic I can’t say a word; so sometimes, I don’t, and sometimes, I
do.

This one says: ‘I’m glad you’re eating again, but don’t gain too much
back!’

This one says: ‘I just don’t even want to date or have sex any more,
it’s too hard navigating all this shit,’ and I say: ‘I hear you.’

This one says: ‘God, look at her, she’s beautiful,’ and I say: ‘Yes,
she is, she looks like you,’ and she says: ‘No, I’m huge, way bigger than she
is, and she carries it off.’

This one says: ‘You could land a 747 on my ass these days,’ and another
one laughs, and says: ‘Mine, too,’ and I say: ‘That’s crazy talk, stop gauging
yourself that way, it’s not funny,’ and the first one looks at me levelly and
says: ‘Who are YOU to talk, pipsqueak?’ and I say again: ‘Not funny, quit it,
you are lovely and I’m not having any other conversation than that with you,’
and she says: ‘Okay, okay, you have a point – you could not land a 747 on my
ass. A 727 would have no problem, though.’

This one says: ‘Well, you wear makeup sometimes, you have long hair,
what do you expect?’ Another adds: ‘The people I hang out with don’t care about
all that, so it’s not really an issue.’ Another says: ‘I don’t want to sound
like I’m victim-blaming, BUT…’ and goes on at great length doing just that,
about large women and small women both.

This one says: ‘I used to worry about all that, but now I’m not
affected by it.’

This one says: ‘I can’t help who I’m attracted to.’

This one says: ‘She’s just not taking care of herself,’ and I say:
‘Yeah, YOU’VE really LET YOURSELF GO, too, are those LOVE-HANDLES I see? God,
you must feel subhuman,’ and he laughs uncomfortably, and says: ‘Well, I’m a
man, it’s not such an issue for me,’ and I say: ‘Exactly.’

This one says: ‘Your expectations are so high. You’re right, of course,
absolutely right about patriarchy, feminism, all this stuff you write about, but
I worry for you,’ and I don’t know what to say, because she’s right: I do pay a
high personal price for my involuntarily high awareness of these dynamics, these
undercurrents, these cultural damages.

I would be happier if I was dumber, less awake, more in denial.

But I wouldn’t change it.

This one says: ‘God, I feel GOOD in my skin today,’ and I say:
‘Excellent, rock on,’ and I think: May it last.

Please, let it last for at least a little while.

Give her that one huge thing.

This one pushes her salad around on her plate to make it look like
she’s eating. Later, she eats an entire box of cookies in a white explosion of
rage against killing herself. Maybe she pukes it up later, or takes diuretics.
Maybe not. Maybe she eats all the time, AT you, and gains some kind of
invisibility that feels protective even as she loathes herself and her world.
Maybe she feels exposed. Maybe she’s sick of the entire topic of conversation,
and how much importance it has, but of all the wrong kinds. Maybe she starves.
Maybe she drives off the road. Maybe she hides in her skin, her clothes, her
house. Maybe she rejects you first. Maybe she hates your guts. Maybe she wishes
you understood. Maybe she knows you never will. Maybe she just doesn’t care
anymore, she’s too damned tired.

She says nothing at all.

xo,
C

Body size and feminism

I just wanted to share this excerpt from an essay dealing mainly with anorexia. The entire piece is really excellent and worth a read but here's the part that struck me the most:

When she does starve herself, we praise her, yes, and pathologize too.

We also give her better jobs, more money, more access to sex, information, companionship, attention to who she is. We take her for granted less. We give her power to self determine - within the extreme constraints of literal and metaphoric smallness, within the constraints of patriarchy and her small, weak body being our property.

When she does not starve herself, we pathologize and criticize her.

We give her less access to jobs, money, sex, information, companionship, attention to who she is, and presume she will take care of us. We typecast her and strip her self-determination: we tell her what is wrong with her, judge her every action relentlessly, treat her large body as our property
and a walking offense against patriarchy.

Both of them, we patronize.

Food for thought.

Fathletes unite!

It can be very frustrating to go to the gym as a fat person. For one thing, you never know if the equipment is going to fit your body, plus some people feel self-conscious exercising in front of others. The worst part about being fat at the gym in my opinion though, is the way some people can treat you. Either they are annoyed by your presence because to them you're clearly not a serious athlete and therefore you're getting in their way, or they treat you like a special olympian and make comments like "good for you!" or assume you're interested in dieting tips. Anyway, for the most part I don't have these problems at my gym, likely because I have a trainer and she only has me use the equipment that works for me, plus we're usually talking to each other so people don't interrupt much.

Still, every so often there is the odd person (almost ALWAYS a woman) who feels the need to comment on weight loss or say something about what a "good job" I'm doing. I get that it comes from them wanting to be nice, but it's a little patronizing and it distracts me from my workout.

So what's a girl to do? How do I get across the idea that yes, I know I'm fat and isn't it wonderful that I'm working out, but I'm also an athlete and not just working out to make myself thin? I pondered and pondered this, then I designed this t-shirt:


Hee! I put it up on Zazzle and posted it to the fathletes group on livejournal so other folks could get one if they wanted. I ordered mine this morning...we'll see if it has any effect :)