Reflection

I wish there was some way I could know how I was actually perceived by others. I have my own images of myself in my head but they come with attached impressions and memories of positive or negative things that were said to me. I wish I was able to just look at myself without having all of that in my head and just really see myself as I appear to other people. I just would kind of like to know how I'm doing...like am I cool? Am I funny? Am I unappealing? Am I ugly? Am I beautiful? Am I scary-looking? Am I screwing it all up and looking and acting like a big freak? Am I ridiculed behind my back? Am I respected? Am I liked? Am I a big joke? Am I completely wrong about everything I like or dislike about myself?

I know it's not politically correct to reveal that you actually care what other people think of you, but please...everyone does, to some extent. I'm not saying I'm going to jump off a bridge if someone doesn't like the way I am, but I'd just like to know what I'm actually working with here. I guess I'm just looking for a little self-awareness.

So anyway, things are going well at Casa de NoPo. Boxes are getting unpacked, laundry is getting done, and actually we're keeping things pretty clean compared to our last house, though our dogs have managed to pee or poop on the carpet approximately 15 times since we moved, no small feat considering there's only one room of the house with carpet in it. Don't worry, we've got super industrial-strength carpet cleaner, so it doesn't get all gross. I guess they're just stressed about moving...they don't normally do this. But anyway, that's just part of having pets, cleaning up after them.

Work is...work. I'm no longer actively looking for a new job. Funnily enough (to quote a friend), a lot of the issues I had with this job stopped being issues when my coworker Doug left. He sat in the cube behind me and had kind of a shitty attitude, so it was really hard to not be in a bad mood when I was at my desk. Anyway, I'm going to stick around here for a while...at least for the commute. It's ridiculously short. I can't believe I can leave work and actually get home within a half hour...that's just freaky to me. Now T has a longer commute than I do, which is just weird. I can't help but feel a tiny bit smug when she complains about it...like "that's right beeyotch! I did that shit for 9 years...enjoy!" But of course I would never say that....out loud ;)

I had a one on one meeting with my boss last week and he basically said that if I want to be a manager I needed to stop being so loud, abrasive and sarcastic. He didn't say it exactly like that, but that was the gist. We also talked about whether this was really what I want to be doing with my life, and even though my mind was screaming HELL NO, I still told him, "of course!" like a damn sucker. I'm really glad we had that conversation though, because it got me thinking about what I actually DO want to do with my life, and I realized it is NOT tech support and it is NOT management. So I'm going to stay here and keep working and making my paycheck, and in the mean time I'm going to go back to school part time and try to figure everything out.

The Portland Art Mart is coming up in July, and I haven't made any new pieces in at least a month. All of my equipment and supplies are all packed up still and I don't really have anywhere in the new house that is set up for me to work. I have a nagging fear that July is going to get here and I'm going to have nothing to sell. That's on TOP of the fear that I will set up my little table and either nobody will buy anything or they will find my jewelry so abhorrent that they pelt me with eggs or tomatoes or something. I have an active imagination. This will be the first time I really have to stand behind my art in public. I had a website where I sold my jewelry until the end of last year, but I was able to separate myself, to some degree, from what was going on online. To me, it's so much more of a ballsy assertion to sit down at a table laid with things I created and expect people to walk up and give me their money. Honestly, I'm not sure I have the guts to go through with it. We'll see.

More as it happens...