I know, you're all clamoring to hear about Yellowstone, and I promise I will eventually get around to writing about it, but for now I'd like to get back to writing about the present.
It's Sunday and the Hawthorne Street Fair is going on outside my window, which sounds like a lot of fun but I am just not up for it today. I feel like I've been going nonstop since I got back from my trip, a lot of random social things, plenty of work stress, and of course things in my apartment are all in disarray. I have been trying, little by little, to sort out the massive pile of stuff my place has become in the past six months or so. When William moved in I feel like I voluntarily gave up ownership of my space and just started putting things anywhere and not caring anymore. Then I went on this trip and basically lived out of a car for five weeks and when I came back I realized I didn't really have a home here, at least not in the sense of having a refuge to go to when I need a break. Piles of things are not restful, and they were everywhere. Well, they still are in most places, but I feel like I've made at least a little headway.
I'm letting go of a lot of furniture I took with me after the breakup with T. Most of it was inherited from my parents when they moved into a smaller place and the thought was that it would stay in the family and my kids would get to use it, etc. But the life I was headed towards with T is not my life now, and I would like to stop holding on to that idea. The thing is, I don't really know what direction my life is headed in now. I have a lot of things I want to do, and while I still like the idea of settling down and having a family, I'm really beginning to appreciate the freedom I have now, like the freedom to take a five week road trip if I want to, or the freedom to quit my job and live on ramen and financial aid while I finish my degree, or the freedom to take two years and join the Peace Corps.
I can't believe how limited I thought my options were until now. I put myself inside this tiny little safe box because I believed there was only one way to achieve a happy, satisfied life, but I was totally wrong. I can see so many more possibilities now, so many more directions I can go in. I want to travel and experience more of what the world has to offer. I want to actually do something in the world that makes someone's life a little better. I want to (someday) raise the happiest, most well-loved children ever. I still want to write something. I still want to run a marathon. And even though I feel like I should be beyond this at this point, I still want to be loved like in a Meg Ryan movie. Heh...some things never change.
xo,
C
3 comments:
Someone gave a speech about 'synthesizing happiness'. I was totally intrigued and hope to make time to get the book on it. Its called Stumbling on Happiness by Daniel Gilbert. I will let you know how it goes.
i love this post
That is so the truth. Good on your for being able to let go of material possessions that represent a different time in your life, that is something I don't think I could do. I feel really blessed to know you, you are a true friend and a constant source of inspiration for me and I don't know if I tell you that or tell you enough.
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