Is it Spring yet?

I spent this morning in my lawyer's office, trying to get this financial mess squared away. Within the next half hour, I will be officially on my way to being bankrupt. It feels like a punch in the stomach to say that, but the circumstances that brought me here have been unchangeable fact for so long that at this point I'm just glad to finally take this step towards getting my creditworthiness and financial self-respect back.

I got a call yesterday that they are having another jewelry class at the studio I was going to go to in November. The class starts today though, and I'm not sure if I'm going to go. For one, I'm tired. For two, I don't really want to spend the money right now since I'm saving for my bike. For three, I'm not really in a jewelry-making frame of mind lately. I'm going to sit with the idea for a little while before deciding though. It's hard to tell sometimes if I'm actually deciding not to do something because I prefer not to do it or if I'm just giving in to the fear of new things.

I'm thinking about turning my middle bedroom into a meditation/yoga room but right now there is a bunch of furniture and several piles of things in there. Actually, if I really let myself think about it, there are about a million things that I want to do with each room in my house. Most of my plans are stymied by all of the crap I still have laying around. No matter how much stuff I get rid of, there still seems to be more! If it were nicer weather I might think about having a yard sale. Hmmm...maybe I still will.

I finally finished Jane Eyre and really loved it. I watched the PBS Masterpiece Theatre version this week and I had to laugh at myself because I found myself thinking "That's not how it was in the book! They're ruining it!" like an elitist book snob. Still, it was enjoyable to see someone else's interpretation of the story on screen. I think next I'll tackle some Jane Austen...maybe Pride and Prejudice.

That's all that's new with me...how have you been?

xo,
C

Sigh...

ugh. Work is really busy today and I would rather be almost anywhere else. Also, I'm dealing with the home stretch of the whole ugly foreclosure mess and I'm totally bugged about something someone said to me earlier, though at the same time, I know I'm feeling sensitive and probably misinterpreting what was said. I think I need a hug.

Thinking about possibilities

I'm on call this weekend.

I'll give you a moment for the feelings of disbelief and outrage to subside.

Okay, so this on call isn't so bad, actually. I get paid for four work hours plus 15 minutes for every call I take. Also, I have an hour to respond to any issue, so I don't have to be chained to my laptop, and I'm only on call from 9AM-4PM Saturday and Sunday. Still, the specter of discover-e-style life-sucking on-calledness looms...I feel a wee bit stressed about it.

I said at Christmas that one of the things that frustrates me so much (philosophically) about my company is that they charge so much for child care but they pay the actual child care providers so little. The other day it occurred to me (or someone pointed it out to me, I can't remember) that one of the reasons they do this is so they can pay my very generous salary. Does it follow then, that I am part of the problem? By pushing my boss to pay me more money, am I somewhere down the line causing there to be less money available for the child care providers? I know it's not as simple as all that, but it does make me wonder. If nothing else, it's the perfect illustration of the problem I have with corporate child care. What's more important to my company, the people who fix the computers or the people who actually interact with the children? Seems pretty clear where their priorities are.

This realization also makes me think about why I work where I work, and in this field. I mean, am I really helping anybody? Does it really matter that I answer the phone and tell them to reboot and now whatever they were trying to do before is working? For the longest time I have stuck with this field because the money was necessary to support my "lifestyle" (whatever you make of that), but lately since I've been on my own and scaling back on my bills, I've been wondering, just how much money do I actually need to live happily? Could I take a pay cut to do something I actually enjoy or that really makes a difference? The matter requires more thought, to be sure. It would be nice to enjoy going to work. Not necessarily every day, but maybe once in a while I could not dread getting out of bed. That would be cool.