It's no secret that the past few weeks have been really tough for me. Packing and moving are harrowing experiences under normal circumstances but when you add in the emotional symbolism involved in ending a ten year relationship, the whole thing just felt like an impossible situation to get through. I have tried really hard to be cognizant of my feelings during this time and not resort to self-destructive coping mechanisms but surprisingly, that's not so easy to just do, even with the best of intentions. So I have basically been struggling against myself, pulling people in closer and pushing them away, trying so hard to not have to deal with a moment where I would have to look myself in the eye and admit that this is really my life, I am all there is, and it is up to me to decide where I'm going to go from here. There's a scene in the movie Contact where the engineers have built this chair into the pod "for safety" even though it was not part of the original plans. When Ellie is flying through space, the chair starts to vibrate violently and uncontrollably until it finally wrenches itself free of its connections and floats away peacefully because it was never supposed to be there. It's a bit of a clumsy metaphor for the idea of trusting and releasing control, but that scene keeps coming back to me so I'm going to go with it anyway. I realized this morning as I was waiting for the bus that I have been trying and trying and trying to engineer and force and manipulate my life to be a certain way over the past few weeks and what I really need to do is let go and make peace with the way things are. There are wonderful things about living with a roommate and living in a whole new neighborhood and having vast stretches of unplanned alone time, but it's almost impossible to see those good things when all I can focus on is how my life should be this certain way because that's what I'm used to. I'm standing on the edge of this vast, incredible, scary freedom where I can go in any direction that interests me. I can be an athlete, I can be a freelance graphic designer, I can be a painter, I can run a marathon, I can take a bike tour through Provence, I can be genuinely happy and satisfied with the life I have. The future is brimming with possibility, but before I can do any of those things I have to release my hold on what I was and be willing to become something else. Really fucking scary. Risk
And then the day came,
when the risk
to remain tight
in a bud
was more painful
than the risk
it tookto Blossom.
Anaïs Nin
Exactly. That day is today.
My move went fine, despite my persistent cold. I have managed to arrange everything in the new place pretty much where I expected it to go except for the glass-fronted bookshelves which are too tall for the space. I'm currently using one on it's side to hide the big pile of boxes, plus its a good place to put things until I figure out where I want them to be. So far things have been okay. I've had a few sad moments when I've been by myself in the place but I'm also feeling a little untethered and aimless about everything which is making me look at my life in a whole new way. This morning when I got to work I had the strongest urge to just walk into my boss's office and quit. I have been frustrated with my job before but this wasn't really a frustrated feeling, it was as if it had just become clear to me that I didn't need to waste any more of my time working there and I needed to really figure out what I want to be doing. I did not actually end up quitting my job today but I did start seriously looking for something else. I'm in a position right now where the only thing I absolutely need a job for is to pay my rent and the few bills I have. This affords me a kind of freedom to really pursue new ideas and new career possibilities. I'm not sure where I'll end up yet but I'm almost 100% certain that it won't be working on a help desk. I'll keep you posted.
I have a cold. I hereby invite you to feel sorry for me. Okay, enough of that.
I have been watching the Up series lately. Here's the wikipedia blurb about it:
The Up Series consists of a series of documentary films that have followed the lives of fourteen British children since 1964, when they were seven years old. The children were selected to represent the range of socio-economic backgrounds in Britain at that time, with the explicit assumption that each child's social class predetermines their future. Every seven years, the director, Michael Apted, films new material from as many of the fourteen as he can get to participate.
So anyway, I just finished watching 28 Up which is the closest one to my actual age (have I mentioned that I'm 30? Just checking). Part of me almost wants to save the next film (35) until I'm closer to 35 myself because maybe it will have more significance for me then. I probably won't though...I'm too tempted to find out how everyone is doing.
The series has got me thinking a lot about inertia and how, unless you do something radically different to change your life, it is likely that you will continue on the path you are on now. I'm talking specifically about careers here, but I suppose that kind of idea can apply to any aspect of one's life. Anyway, it's got me thinking about how I'm always complaining about working in tech support but, year after year, I'm still steadfastly working away in the same field. I really wonder, if I check in with myself seven years from now, am I likely to be doing anything different or will I be on the same path? In which case, if I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing anyway, maybe I should work on making myself okay with it and not so dissatisfied with it all the time. If I can't do that, maybe I really should focus more of my energy on getting out and doing something different, let go of the security of my current vocation and find one that is more satisfying. Things to think about...
Moving in two days. Almost ready. Almost happy about it, but not quite.
