I am really beginning to intensely dislike Chemistry, though that's mostly because I'm not all that good at it. I'm currently in the middle of my second semester of a three semester sequence and I just feel like I'm not really getting it. I thought about getting a tutor but the idea of having someone watch me have a freak out moment and cry when I can't find the correct answer is not all that appealing to me. The silly thing about all this is that even if I don't completely understand what is going on, I'll still probably be able to scrape together a B in the class. So I really would like to get to the bottom of what makes me so uncomfortable about this class. It's not the grade consequences exactly. Can I really be that wrapped up in my identity as a smart girl that it bothers me this much to not have all the answers?
One thing is for sure, this situation is causing me way too much undue stress. Compared to last semester, this semester's workload is actually quite a bit less, but for some reason I feel more wound up about it. I need to find a way to relax.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Friday, January 22, 2010
Honesty
Last night I went out with my family to see my sister-in-law and others read things they'd written for an amiable crowd at Mississippi Studios. Listening to everyone's fascinating and soul-revealing work made me wonder why I don't actually write anything, or why, when I do, it always feels so forced and inauthentic. The conclusion I came to when discussing it later with my family was that I don't think any of my stories are really ready to be told yet.
Later that night I found myself unable to sleep. Questions I didn't even know I had kept echoing through my head, like "when are you going to just be an adult?" and "when are you going to stop waiting for someone else to validate your existence?" The more I tugged at the thread of why I couldn't write, the more I realized it was because I don't want to be honest with myself (or anyone else). I carry around a little package of deep, dark secrets with me every day and some portion of my brain is always actively engaged in covering them up. The prospect of writing feels a little too much like opening that package and showing the contents to the world, when I'm not even sure I'm ready to look at them yet.
Of course now that I have acknowledged that arrangement, I am very curious to find out what's in there.
Later that night I found myself unable to sleep. Questions I didn't even know I had kept echoing through my head, like "when are you going to just be an adult?" and "when are you going to stop waiting for someone else to validate your existence?" The more I tugged at the thread of why I couldn't write, the more I realized it was because I don't want to be honest with myself (or anyone else). I carry around a little package of deep, dark secrets with me every day and some portion of my brain is always actively engaged in covering them up. The prospect of writing feels a little too much like opening that package and showing the contents to the world, when I'm not even sure I'm ready to look at them yet.
Of course now that I have acknowledged that arrangement, I am very curious to find out what's in there.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Giving myself a break, or trying to
I went online today to get my timing results for the First Run. I wasn't happy with the numbers and I was all ready to write a gut-twisting entry here lambasting myself for being so slow despite the work I'm doing, when I realized, maybe I should look at the numbers from my last 5k and compare. As it turns out, I beat my last 5k time by a little bit and now my walking mile pace is just under 20 minutes. So I'm glad about that, but a little concerned by how disappointed in myself I was before the time had context. I've held this attitude for what seems like my whole life, that my best effort really isn't good enough, that I need to try harder and harder. It's not healthy, and it causes me to stress out over all sorts of things, from working out to school, to my performance at work. I'm not entirely sure what to do about it.
In other news, my knee is still bothering me, especially in the wake of the First Run, so I decided to take my workout to the pool for a couple of weeks. Luckily Mt. Scott is on the bus line that goes right past my house so I should be able to make that work without too much trouble. I've also been thinking about yoga. The other day I realized that my apartment -- with its abundance of open floor space and natural light -- would be the perfect place to lay out a yoga mat and do some meditative, mind-body connecting things.
I've been contemplating doing a CSA farm share this year. Now that I'm so in love with vegetables (I had the most delicious broccoli as a snack the other day...broccoli!) it might be nice to get some fresh new ones to experiment with every week or so. The farm I'm looking at donates anything you don't want to take home to the Oregon Food Bank, so I wouldn't have to worry about something going to waste because I don't want to eat it. They also do flowers sometimes, which makes me happy :)
xo,
C
In other news, my knee is still bothering me, especially in the wake of the First Run, so I decided to take my workout to the pool for a couple of weeks. Luckily Mt. Scott is on the bus line that goes right past my house so I should be able to make that work without too much trouble. I've also been thinking about yoga. The other day I realized that my apartment -- with its abundance of open floor space and natural light -- would be the perfect place to lay out a yoga mat and do some meditative, mind-body connecting things.
I've been contemplating doing a CSA farm share this year. Now that I'm so in love with vegetables (I had the most delicious broccoli as a snack the other day...broccoli!) it might be nice to get some fresh new ones to experiment with every week or so. The farm I'm looking at donates anything you don't want to take home to the Oregon Food Bank, so I wouldn't have to worry about something going to waste because I don't want to eat it. They also do flowers sometimes, which makes me happy :)
xo,
C
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