Progress

Last week was relatively crazy and hectic but I cut back on my class schedule and now I feel like things are at a more manageable level. I ended up dropping my English comp class because I could take it anytime. My drawing class seemed really interesting and something I would get a lot out of, but I didn't feel like I had the time or energy to devote to it right now so I dropped that one too. I'm looking forward to taking it when I have more to give.

So just the two classes then: Macs for Graphic Designers and Intro to Typography. Macs should be no problem since I've got the computer skillz and all. Type might be more of a challenge, in large part because the prof seems more than a little flaky and completely forgets what she's talking about in the middle of lectures. But I still think it will be fine.

Work has calmed down a bit. The call volume has dropped as expected, and at the same time my team has gotten smaller. Two people resigned, we lost two more to another department, and two others were transferred back to the internal team. So now it's just me and five others, which has its advantages, but I kind of miss having a big team.

Training yesterday was pretty cool. I didn't go last week because I was so exhausted and I haven't been running since my last entry, so I was feeling a little disconnected from the whole exercise thing. Yesterday when I got to my trainer's house she was all "think you can walk three miles today?" and that's what we did. We walked/jogged about a mile and a half to a park and threw a softball around for a bit, then walked back. It was good for me because I've got two 5ks coming up over the next couple of weekends so now I feel like I'm more ready to tackle them. The plan is to keep doing 5ks over the winter and then maybe do the 10k Shamrock Run in March and keep building up my mileage from there. The marathon is approximately one year from now, so I have to start pushing my limits a little bit, I think.

The roommate situation took a nasty turn last weekend when she accused me of doing drugs in the basement. I want out of here so bad, but I'm about halfway through my lease so it's probably best for me to just sit tight and ride it out like I had planned. I had a day off from work yesterday and for part of the day she was just clomping around upstairs and I had this fleeting fantasy that maybe she was packing her things because SHE was going to move out. That would be so nice...

xo,
C

Update: After a few weeks of turning it over in my head, I came to a realization today: I don't want to be a graphic designer. Sure, I enjoyed the class I took this summer and I do like fiddling around with layouts and things like that, but I honestly just don't care all that much about fonts, I don't have all that much drawing ability, and when my profs would talk about what working as a graphic designer is actually like, I thought it sounded really effing boring.

I hate the idea of quitting things, but this time in my life is supposed to be about discovering myself and figuring out what I actually want to do. So I'm going in a different direction. I'm going to take the money I was going to spend on GD and try some jewelry classes instead. Maybe it will turn out to be something I want to do, maybe not, but it's definitely worth a try.

Update 2: Yes, I realize this post makes me sound like a flake who can't make up her mind and doesn't know what the hell she's doing. Truthfully, sometimes I don't. This feels really right to me though, so I'm going with it.

Monday was pretty damn good

I had my first official planned run tonight (instead of just jogging when I'm in the middle of walking somewhere). The hardest part about it is getting out the door because when I get home from work all I want to do is crash. On trainer days, I have resolved this problem by coming home, immediately falling into bed and taking a 20-30 minute nap, then waking up and throwing on my workout clothes so I can go catch the bus to my trainer's. That seems to work really well for those days, so I tried it today too. It worked like a charm. When my alarm went off I just kept thinking about that quote on the bottom right of this page about workouts just happening because the decision has already been made. So I didn't even entertain any thoughts of not going, I just got out of bed, threw on my workout clothes, and took off.

There's a wilderness trail about a quarter mile from my house so I headed in that direction. I had talked to my trainer about running on my own and she said the most important thing was to keep my heart rate between 120 and 160, so I strapped on a pulse monitor I bought a few years ago and got started. I walked for a little while to warm up, then stretched and got to jogging. It wasn't hard to get my heart rate above the max since I'm still pretty far from the ideal fitness level, but it was really nice to have some guideline for when I should push harder and when I should ease up. Most beginning running programs go by time (like run for 90 seconds then walk for 60) but I think it worked so much better for me to go by my heart rate because I knew I was working at the right intensity level for me and I didn't have to feel like I was either killing myself or not working hard enough.

One thing I learned while I was running is that my workout pants are now too big. That was kind of awkward....:D The other thing I learned is that people you run into when you're out running are kind of surly assholes. I made a point to be friendly and say hello to everyone I ran into and the most I got out of anybody was a self-conscious grunt. Well that's not true. There was a homeless man sitting under a tree when I ran one way and when I came back past him he asked "well how'd it go?" I told him it went well and his response was "you're doing great, sweetheart! Good job!" Which was surreal, but actually gave me a nice little boost at the end of my workout. :)

The last time I bought groceries I tried to get some more fresh veggies and things, with the intent to cook in the kitchen again (for those of you who don't know, I've been living off of microwave dinners and sandwiches in the basement so I wouldn't have to deal with my roommate). Tonight when I got back from running, I totally cooked! I made a delightful stir-fry with baked tofu, zucchini, and red bell pepper and I made a sauce with garlic, ginger, soy sauce, and toasted sesame oil, then I served the whole mess over spaghetti. It was lovely, and I have leftovers for lunch and dinner tomorrow. I also cleaned every dish I used and put it right back where it was so my roommate will have nothing to complain about (I don't know why I feel compelled to walk on eggshells around her, but I do, so there you go).

So kind of a kick ass evening! I hope yours rocked hard as well :)

xo,
C

A peculiar sensation

I have been losing weight. Well, I assume I'm losing weight...I'm definitely losing fat. The thing is, most people would think this is clearly a positive thing and I should be jumping for joy and so pleased with myself but I have to tell you it's just not that simple. Sure, there's a smug little part of me (undoubtedly left over from the first 20 or so years of my life) that erroneously thinks "yay! Now everything in my life will be better!". The rest of me, though, is a little freaked out.

I'm experiencing the odd sensation of my body not feeling like my body. The other day I was scratching an itch on my forearm when I realized that it felt a lot smaller than I remember. It literally did not feel like me...it wasn't soft enough, it wasn't large enough. I could feel the bone too clearly and my hand fit around more of it than usual. I experienced this again a day later when I touched my face. I sometimes do this contemplative thing where I stroke my jawline with my thumb and middle finger and as I was doing it, I realized my chin felt a lot more pointy than it usually does and there was not nearly enough fat on my jaw.

I have also done the thing where I notice myself in a shop window or a mirror as I'm walking by and I don't look like myself as much. I don't notice it when I'm looking at my face in the mirror since I do that every day and gradual changes aren't noticeable, but I don't look at my whole body every day, so the changes there are more obvious. And again, part of me is happy (because I know what it's like to live in the fat body I've been living in for the past however many years, but I don't know what it's like to live in a thinner body, and everyone keeps saying it's better, so I'm interested to see if that's true) and part of me is freaked out, because this fatness is a big part of my identity. Who the hell am I if I'm not the giant, mouthy fat girl?

Other strange things have been happening to me as a result of the marathon training. Lately the muscles in my legs feel...springier somehow...and I often have the urge to run or jog where I would normally just be walking. I don't have the endurance to run everywhere, but when I experience that urge and there's nobody around, I do indulge it a little bit and jog until I need to stop. It's so strange being prompted by my body to do more physically! For the most part my body has always seemed to want me to slow down, so I'm enjoying this weird sensation.

There's a big mental component to overcome, though, because I still have a lot of voices that are sure that I can't do what I want to do physically. My last training session was really challenging (in a good way) because my trainer pushed me beyond whatever limits I thought I had. It was a hard one emotionally because the fear came up a lot when I was afraid I couldn't complete a set. I left her studio totally wiped out but feeling incredible about the possibilities. A tiny little part of me is starting to believe, to REALLY believe that it is possible for me to run 26.2 miles. I can't wait to see what happens next.

xo,
C