Americorps

Stressful times at work are going to be coming to a head soon. My boss is interviewing candidates for the supervisor job I applied for and I have a sinking feeling that they're going to hire from outside rather than promote from within. Sure, some of that feeling is paranoia and my own insecurity, but the fact remains that I have no idea how this is actually going to go. And when the future looks murky and unclear I usually have a pretty powerful urge to unmurkify it by choosing some other direction for my life to go in, focusing on something else. This week it was Americorps.

My supervisor at Richmond Place is an Americorps volunteer, as was the supervisor before her, so I know a little bit about the program and how it works. Basically you work for next to no money on a volunteer project for a year or so and then afterward you get a small scholarship to help you pay for your student loans (or you can opt for a stipend). Of course you get a year of experiences and helping people as well, which is the part that makes it enticing. In certain circumstances you also get to try living in a new city for a year, always an interesting option.

I've been talking to my RP supervisors about it for a few months and thinking about it in an abstract way, but this week when I was feeling all uncertain about the future I finally decided to go ahead and submit an application. I applied for a few programs that looked interesting to me and one of them sent me some more information. The part I looked at first was the money because you have to be able to make that work. The money is very, very little, in this case about minimum wage. They do that, I'm sure, because it's a social government program so they probably don't have much money to give out to begin with. They sell it as you living at the same wage level as the people you are helping, which makes it kind of awesome.

But still, there are practical problems with living at minimum wage, like how one pays their car payment, perhaps. I got out my calculator and did the math and no matter what I tried I couldn't make it work. Just couldn't do it. And that was frustrating and sad, but in a way also a positive thing. Because I really think Americorps is something I could do, something where I can go have an adventure and help people and try new things and learn a lot and I won't need to get my degree first. All I need to do is save up some scratch. That's the kind of situation that can not only give me something to look forward to, but imbue my tough, sometimes soulless corporate job with some kind of purpose, the very thing it has been lacking. Suddenly the future is looking brighter indeed.

About that tattoo...

You know, I've tried to put my Big Sur trip into words and it's just not happening, like how I couldn't write about Yellowstone that time (I still can't). Suffice it to say that I had an incredible, dynamic, life-changing time at Esalen and I will definitely be going back next year if I can.

The tattoo was borne of a short essay I wrote in one of the workshops, on my mother and perfectionism. She's a very "just so" kind of person and I realized on that trip that as her daughter I had internalized those expectations to the point where I was expecting perfection out of myself in everything I did. Just writing it down and seeing it there on the page made me realize that that's not how I want to live. On the drive back home (a wonderful time to puzzle things out) I started thinking about rejecting perfection and how beautiful imperfections are in all of us. At a truck stop, I pulled a sharpie out of my bag and wrote the word 'imperfectly' on my arm, thinking I would sit with it for a week or so and see how it felt to broadcast my feelings on my skin. A few hours of driving later I made a call to a Portland tattoo parlor to inquire about an appointment for a consultation. They asked if I wanted to just do it today and, seizing the moment, I said okay.

So this is what I got. Afterward I had a few minutes of quietly freaking out, feeling like I had made a huge mistake that couldn't be taken back, but now that it's healed I really love it. And that's the tattoo story.

Unrequited Love

"Man, I was thinking about unrequited love. I figure it's best to just walk that shit off. Find someone else to be excited about. It's like if you love ice cream but your ice cream man friend won't give you any. Maybe he's got a good reason. It cuts into profits. Who knows? But he likes you as a friend and wants to hang out anyway. It just drives you crazy to hang out with that dude, even if he's being reasonable from his point of view. So don't hang out with him. What, you ONLY like ice cream? It's ice cream or nothing? Don't be an asshole. Learn to love donuts." --Joey Comeau (a softer world)

I love this. Apropos of nothing, at least right now, but I have certainly experienced my fair share of unrequited love drama.

In other news, my Write Around Portland Prompt workshop starts tonight. I'm very excited about having the opportunity to write in a group every week and maybe start to give myself permission to sit down and tell my stories instead of worrying about what everyone will think. Also, you never know who you're going to meet and how they might affect the flow of your life.

I miss school.