Oh right, reality.

I've been feeling pretty angsty lately. I've been carrying around this ball of uncomfortable emotions for the past few weeks, trying to find somewhere, anywhere to deposit it so I can just get back to normal. But right now isn't normal and I need to stop acting like it should be. In three weeks I am moving out of the house I shared with my partner of ten years. Between now and then I am going to have to sort through our things, split them up into mine and hers, decide which of our shared memories are more important to me and which are more important to her. After that, I'm going to pack all of 'my' things in boxes and move them to someone else's house. In effect, I'm going to start over. I will have to figure out who the hell I am by myself and what I really want from this life.

You would think I might have already started doing this after she moved out, but honestly I have been living largely the same life with the same rules and the same values as when she was here. I have continued to be the Carrie that was T's partner, even though the interaction between us is no longer the way it was. Sure, there have been some changes, we're both involved in other relationships now, we can hardly talk to each other without the pain creeping in and making things tense between us, we of course don't live together. But I find myself holding on to the idea of being part of that relationship. For ten years I defined myself in part by what I was in that relationship. And now it's over.

In three weeks I will finish moving the majority of my things into the little basement apartment I rented. I will close the door, I will sit on the bed and I will probably feel the most lost and scared that I have ever felt in my adult life. Or maybe I won't let myself feel it that day. Maybe I'll subvert my feelings and go distract myself at someone else's house. But at some point, I will be alone in that room and I will have to face the fact that I am all there is and that I have to figure this shit out for myself. I don't know who I'm going to be. I don't know how I'm going to change. All I know is that I won't be exactly who I am now anymore and it scares the shit out of me.

Though deep down, I also know it's going to be okay.