A break in the clouds

Despite all of my expectations to the contrary, this has been a very good weekend. I started out Saturday morning by delivering my mom's car back to her (I had borrowed it while I was housesitting for them) and as she was driving me home, we had one of those great moments that you can't predict where we were really talking and connecting as mother and daughter. For a moment, I felt both of us drop our ever-present walls around ourselves and just...trust. Of course it was over too quickly when we arrived at my house but that is how those moments are.

The rest of Saturday was an exercise in dealing with that untethered lonely feeling. I had no specific plans and nobody I knew was around to do something on the spur of the moment, so it was entirely up to me what I would do for the rest of the day. During our talk in the car, Mom had said something about how one day I would be all busy with my family and I would long for days when there were no demands on me and I could make all the decisions. That stuck with me throughout the day and I really tried to stop and take in my surroundings and appreciate the moment, because she's probably right...there will come a day when all I want is some peace and quiet and freedom of will so I might as well enjoy it now. I don't remember much of what I did. I worked out a little on my cardio glide, I read some of Emma, I had a nice chat with Theresa and I ordered a pizza. Fun stuff! Oh wait, I also hooked up the x box and played a little of the matrix game. Combat is not my thing. :)

Today T and I had plans to go to McMenamins and watch the Seahawks game. That was loads of fun, though they eventually lost in overtime. We may make it a regular thing. Afterwards I went home, watched Serenity (the Firefly movie...I've been watching the only season of Firefly on Hulu over the past week or so...it's really really good and I'm sad to be done with it ) and then since I didn't have anything better to do, I decided to watch In America so I could send all of my Netflix movies back. It was an incredible, beautiful movie. There was a moment where I couldn't get my laptop to play it and I was considering just sending it back anyway, but I'm so glad I didn't because I really would have missed out. I had a nice cry at the end...cathartic and all that.

I told T when we were at McMenamins that I think I'm finally coming to a place where I don't mind being single so much, and it's true. The anxiety I've felt about spending time alone seems to be dissipating slowly away. I don't anticipate that I'll be 100% super happy about being by myself all the time, but even having pockets of that okay feeling is better than the constant worrying. Right now, I actually feel somewhat at peace.

I hope you're all doing well.

xo,
C