I have been losing weight. Well, I assume I'm losing weight...I'm definitely losing fat. The thing is, most people would think this is clearly a positive thing and I should be jumping for joy and so pleased with myself but I have to tell you it's just not that simple. Sure, there's a smug little part of me (undoubtedly left over from the first 20 or so years of my life) that erroneously thinks "yay! Now everything in my life will be better!". The rest of me, though, is a little freaked out.
I'm experiencing the odd sensation of my body not feeling like my body. The other day I was scratching an itch on my forearm when I realized that it felt a lot smaller than I remember. It literally did not feel like me...it wasn't soft enough, it wasn't large enough. I could feel the bone too clearly and my hand fit around more of it than usual. I experienced this again a day later when I touched my face. I sometimes do this contemplative thing where I stroke my jawline with my thumb and middle finger and as I was doing it, I realized my chin felt a lot more pointy than it usually does and there was not nearly enough fat on my jaw.
I have also done the thing where I notice myself in a shop window or a mirror as I'm walking by and I don't look like myself as much. I don't notice it when I'm looking at my face in the mirror since I do that every day and gradual changes aren't noticeable, but I don't look at my whole body every day, so the changes there are more obvious. And again, part of me is happy (because I know what it's like to live in the fat body I've been living in for the past however many years, but I don't know what it's like to live in a thinner body, and everyone keeps saying it's better, so I'm interested to see if that's true) and part of me is freaked out, because this fatness is a big part of my identity. Who the hell am I if I'm not the giant, mouthy fat girl?
Other strange things have been happening to me as a result of the marathon training. Lately the muscles in my legs feel...springier somehow...and I often have the urge to run or jog where I would normally just be walking. I don't have the endurance to run everywhere, but when I experience that urge and there's nobody around, I do indulge it a little bit and jog until I need to stop. It's so strange being prompted by my body to do more physically! For the most part my body has always seemed to want me to slow down, so I'm enjoying this weird sensation.
There's a big mental component to overcome, though, because I still have a lot of voices that are sure that I can't do what I want to do physically. My last training session was really challenging (in a good way) because my trainer pushed me beyond whatever limits I thought I had. It was a hard one emotionally because the fear came up a lot when I was afraid I couldn't complete a set. I left her studio totally wiped out but feeling incredible about the possibilities. A tiny little part of me is starting to believe, to REALLY believe that it is possible for me to run 26.2 miles. I can't wait to see what happens next.
xo,
C
2 comments:
that bone you felt was probably a muscle.
i'm so proud of you. changes are hard, and i'm not sure which are harder; mental changes alone or mental changes BECAUSE of physical changes. i really suggest you check out the bikram yoga, there are three studios in portland. it is low impact (but high impact at the same time) and is centered around focusing on yourself for the entire 90 minutes. it is a set designed for beginners and i just think all around you would enjoy it. i know it can be daunting, though because that is how i felt when i first went (like that everyone was looking at me, or i wouldn't know what the hell i was doing) but i would say 98% of the people in the class are only focused on themselves. it is also a great way to lose weight, if that is your goal. look up mary jarvis bikram - she has a great story. (google that exact phrase)
as far as wondering who you are without your body being how you have been used to - you are still you. i believe that outward appearances have little to do with the actual self. will you cease to be a wise cracking smart ass who constantly says, "really?" if you lose some weight? i don't think so. just as if you gained some weight, severed your left leg, or got a tatoo on your forehead that said "really?", you wouldn't cease to be yourself. it's kind of hard to come to grasp that, but i think in time you will find that it's merely a change, and i honestly don't think it's the specific change itself that you are feeling weirded out by, i think it's the change in general (does this make sense?). just as you would be weirded out by any of the other changes (gain, left leg, tattoo) i think the idea in itself would just take some getting used to.
either way, i am happy for you that you are enjoying this - and as pema would probably advise you - just sit back and watch it happen and let it pass.
xoxo
Post a Comment