I cried in the middle of my workout with Maria yesterday. She had me doing a bunch of stuff that my muscles had never done before and that turned out to be really hard (WTF is up with that elliptical thingy??) and apparently I had been storing up some stress over the past couple of days because around 5:50 when I was so ready to be done and she was walking me through the next set of torturous agony I pay her to put me through, I just burst into tears. It felt good, actually. Cathartic. After we finished up, I headed home and, since I had the place to myself for a little while, I just sat on the bed and had a good cry. Following that, a nice, warm bath, then a good talk with W. We had all (Rosie included) been having kind of a grumpy day, so it was nice to commiserate for a while. I don't know if it made either of them feel any better, but I did feel like I was ending the day on a higher note than when I got back from my workout, so it was good for me.
These past months have been a festival of personal discovery for me. I'm starting to develop preferences for certain things that I never would have realized without all this time to myself. For instance, I freaking love brussels sprouts sauteed with bacon. I also love movies and books set in the Jane Austen era (the Regency era according to Google), I prefer soapy dramatic tv shows (think Private Practice or Ugly Betty) to reality TV, and I just might have a tiny longing deep down in my soul to write something. Not crappy, thrown-together, done-in-a-month novels for fun, but something with meaning, something of significance to me.
Funny though, I know this self-discovery is all due to my being single right now and that's definitely a good thing, but I also have a deep-seated longing for couplehood that will not go away. The imagined safety of codependence is such a seductive thing. No, of course, I wouldn't want to be in another codependent relationship because it was very limiting in a lot of ways, but part of me does long for someone to bounce off of, to share experiences with, to take care of and to have take care of me. I know, that's just normal and human. And the feeling isn't usually significant enough to get my attention, but it is always there. I can only hope that when the world starts being interested in me again, I will have the wherewithal to hold out for someone who is really worth it.
Anyway, that's what's going on in my head lately.
xo,
Carrie
3 comments:
wowsa. i wrote basically this same entry last night. i was lamenting at my previous actions, how i had treated T, and how badly i feel about that. my closing line was "Thats it. Just whats on my mind." which is sort of creepy because it's so similar to yours.
i sent you a FB comment about my latest crafty endeavors, thought you may be interested. also, are you going to be doing an second installments on the cop series? bc, i don't know if i told you, but i could not put it down once i started it. (er, rather, i couldn't close the laptop lid) i really liked the story!
hmm...maybe I will write a second installment. For the fans, you know ;)
omg i hate that eliptical thingy...think i spelled that work but you get the drift...got the treadmill fixed...loose wire. sometimes a good cry can go along way. xoxo
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