Can you still believe in fat-acceptance and actively want to lose weight?

An excellent question, and one I've been puzzling over for a little while now, because I do. Both. And I think it can be done, but the important factor is the *reason* I want to lose weight. It's not because I hate myself or I think that fat is bad or ugly or I think that there is something wrong with being fat. It's simply because I am a supersized lady and my size is stopping me from doing things that I want to do.

I made a list last night of how many different ways my weight affects my daily life (it was a looong list). I was amazed to see on paper all of the circumstances that are made more difficult in my life because of my size and how I almost completely ignore them most of the time. Sometimes I feel like I carry around an apology in my head for every situation where I can't just sit in a chair with arms or fit into the robes at the spa or take up only one seat on the bus, as if I'm inconveniencing the world around me for being the size I am. I know that's bullshit, to an extent, but it's still there in my head.

There are just so many things I want and that I want to do that being supersized gets in the way of, like traveling, shopping for clothes, being in any new circumstance where I might have to sit somewhere, and even being able to simply get on the bus and sit down next to someone. I want to do these things. I want to experience the effortlessness that comes from living in a smaller-sized body.

Something I find interesting about the thought process that led me to decide to lose weight is that I really and truly had to love my body as it is to be able to do this. This sounds contradictory, but it's not. I found once I got to the point where I could look at myself in the mirror and smile and enjoy the way I looked, it was like a switch flipped in my head. Suddenly, the problem I had with my body wasn't all about appealing to other people anymore. It wasn't about wanting to look pretty for some man or wanting to fit society's ideal. Don't get me wrong, I am well aware that being smaller will likely have the affect of attracting more people and gaining more approval from the world around me, but that's a side benefit, not my main goal (and I have a lot of mixed feelings about it).

So yes, when I finally felt most of that yearning for outside approval melt away, it was replaced by a quiet but constant voice in the back of my head reminding me that I want my body to be smaller. But how to accomplish this? First, is it even possible? I've written enough times about how diets don't work and how many people gain back what they've lost and then some (plus I've experienced it many times myself) to know that I can't just eat rice cakes and work out seven days a week and expect that to be a livable solution. Luckily I have some advantages in this situation. Having legalized and equalized all foods a long time ago, I am as excited about a good brussels sprouts recipe as I am about cupcakes. I also actually enjoy cooking, know a little bit about it, and since I live in Portland, I have easy access to an array of fantastic ingredients. On top of that I am lucky enough to have a great fat-positive trainer who is willing to work with me to accomplish my goals and who works out of my favorite gym in the world which is only a mile from my house. As if all of that weren't enough, I talked to my family about all of this over Thanksgiving and I really feel like I have their genuine support to do whatever I want to do with this body, which is a huge deal given our history over body issues. In short, everything seems to be going my way.

The only thing I'm really worried about (besides complete and utter failure, which is always a concern) is the fat acceptance community and how the folks within might react. I think the important thing is to keep this business to my own webspace. I wouldn't dream of telling someone else what they should or shouldn't do with their body (or worse, *how* they should do it, just because some thing or another worked for me), and that will continue to be the case. I still believe wholeheartedly that people of all shapes and sizes deserve to be treated well and have equal value. I will continue to fight for rights for everyone and visibility for fat people, no matter what size of fat I am.

I'm excited about this and what it means to my life. No judgments, no good/bad dichotomy, no infantilizing. I'm going to eat less and exercise more, but at levels that I am comfortable with and enjoy. I'm going to see if it is possible to become a smaller person while continuing to love and respect who you were before. I think it is.

xoxo,
C