When did you realize you were a grown up?
Okay, my knee-jerk reaction is to say I'm not a grown-up and I don't intend to ever be one, but I guess that's not entirely accurate. Growing up, to me, is about taking responsibility for your life, relieving any parental figures of having to fuss over your daily existence and basically making your own decisions. Oh yes I want that...so much. And I guess I have it, and have had for a while. But it's also a process.
I rely a lot on my family and what they think of me and what they think I should be doing. Too much, really. I'm not comfortable with the amount of worrying I do about what my parents will think of my decisions. It's not that they're tyrants or hold themselves up as overbearing arbiters of right and wrong, but a part of me is still constantly trying to be the good daughter, thinking that if I do exactly the right things and make them happy that they will turn around and say something magical to me that will fix the need thing I've been talking about. Because don't all neuroses originate with your parents? Shouldn't they be able to fix what they did and make you all mentally healthy again?
The truth is, we have our sticking points where we don't agree on things that happened when I was a kid. There are changes I think we all would make if one of us got our hands on a time traveling Delorean. But I love the fuck out of those people. They are MY people and even when we disagree I don't want anything for them except blissful, rewarding happiness. Forever. I sure as hell don't want anyone to hurt them, especially me. So this is where the growing up part comes in. Because there comes a certain point where my struggles can't be about my mom never thinking I was pretty enough to attract the boys or my dad poking me in the belly during that one fight about my body when I was 15. Sure, shit happened, we all made mistakes, but it's MY shit now and I'm the only one who can fix it.
And THAT, just now, is when I realized I am a grown up.
This post is part of The Scintilla Project.
1 comment:
Carrie, I feel like every relationship I've ever had is me trying to not be my parents. I am so afraid to end up like they did that I am almost afraid to try sometimes. I guess that's getting some neuroses from them indirectly. They did have two pretty cool kids, so it wasn't all bad, but I saw how unhappy they were, and I just don't want that for myself, or for someone to be that unhappy because of me.
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