About that tattoo...

You know, I've tried to put my Big Sur trip into words and it's just not happening, like how I couldn't write about Yellowstone that time (I still can't). Suffice it to say that I had an incredible, dynamic, life-changing time at Esalen and I will definitely be going back next year if I can.

The tattoo was borne of a short essay I wrote in one of the workshops, on my mother and perfectionism. She's a very "just so" kind of person and I realized on that trip that as her daughter I had internalized those expectations to the point where I was expecting perfection out of myself in everything I did. Just writing it down and seeing it there on the page made me realize that that's not how I want to live. On the drive back home (a wonderful time to puzzle things out) I started thinking about rejecting perfection and how beautiful imperfections are in all of us. At a truck stop, I pulled a sharpie out of my bag and wrote the word 'imperfectly' on my arm, thinking I would sit with it for a week or so and see how it felt to broadcast my feelings on my skin. A few hours of driving later I made a call to a Portland tattoo parlor to inquire about an appointment for a consultation. They asked if I wanted to just do it today and, seizing the moment, I said okay.

So this is what I got. Afterward I had a few minutes of quietly freaking out, feeling like I had made a huge mistake that couldn't be taken back, but now that it's healed I really love it. And that's the tattoo story.

Unrequited Love

"Man, I was thinking about unrequited love. I figure it's best to just walk that shit off. Find someone else to be excited about. It's like if you love ice cream but your ice cream man friend won't give you any. Maybe he's got a good reason. It cuts into profits. Who knows? But he likes you as a friend and wants to hang out anyway. It just drives you crazy to hang out with that dude, even if he's being reasonable from his point of view. So don't hang out with him. What, you ONLY like ice cream? It's ice cream or nothing? Don't be an asshole. Learn to love donuts." --Joey Comeau (a softer world)

I love this. Apropos of nothing, at least right now, but I have certainly experienced my fair share of unrequited love drama.

In other news, my Write Around Portland Prompt workshop starts tonight. I'm very excited about having the opportunity to write in a group every week and maybe start to give myself permission to sit down and tell my stories instead of worrying about what everyone will think. Also, you never know who you're going to meet and how they might affect the flow of your life.

I miss school.

Evolution

Personal change happens so slowly, in such tiny increments that we don't even notice it until time moves on and we can see our former selves from a distance. The other day I was looking through my flickr photostream at the self-portraits I took as part of the 365 project right after T and I broke up. The person I was then and the person I am now are so incredibly different. Last week I found a document on my computer containing a few sketches I wrote almost two years ago when I was so lonely I felt like my heart was breaking every day. It was amazing to read them, to remember how that felt and to realize that I don't really feel that way anymore. Post-breakup was an incredibly rocky and painful time that lasted way longer than I expected it to, but I finally feel like I am emerging from the other side, ready to experience whatever comes next.

:)