I woke up early this morning and couldn't get back to sleep so after checking my email and making the usual internet rounds, I found myself looking back through my flickr photostream. I've been posting photos on flickr since sometime in February and those of you who have read that far back know that Feb to now has been a pretty significant section of my life, what with the moving out, the doomed fledgling new hetero experimentation, the dealing with living on my own, etc. I've been doing the 365 days project since about Feb and as I went back I could tell which photos I was totally miserable in, which ones it was all I could do to smile or attempt to look like I didn't feel like the world was swallowing me whole. The thing I like the most about looking at the photos is that it reminds me that I don't feel that way anymore. Yes, this is still hard and yes, I still have a lot of personal growth to do (who doesn't?), but lately I feel like I have the tiniest bit of traction in a positive direction and I may even emerge from this maelstrom a wiser, more fully formed person instead of just a quivering, terrified mess.
I volunteered with the Washington County Bicycle Transportation Coalition yesterday, monitoring the bike parking at the Oregon Brewer's Fest. It was actually a lot of fun and I'm very glad I went. There sure are a lot of bike-riding, beer-loving folks in Portland. The volunteering wasn't all that taxing, I just had to tell each new cyclist how the system works (like a coat check, you tape one ticket to your bike and tear off the other part to claim your bike later) and show them where to park their bike. Piece of cake! I got a free mug and a dozen tokens to use at the brewfest for volunteering, but by the time I was done with my shift I was too tired and hot to enjoy it. I'll probably just keep the mug as a souvenir and use the tokens next year.
Oh also? I actually managed to remember to bring sunscreen and apply it every couple of hours, and I DIDN'T GET A SUNBURN, if you can believe it. It's true. Not even on my nose :)
Last night I went to another party full of folks I don't know (this is becoming a regular thing for me, apparently). Actually, I had met a few of them at the dance party a few weeks ago, but it was still pretty terrifying to just walk into a party I had only been peripherally invited to and pretend I totally belonged there. Beer helped. There was a little dancing but not nearly as much as the last one. I had a great time though...good people.
This afternoon I am going on a brunch cruise down the Willamette for my mom's birthday (see photos). I'm planning to wear a dress, which is very unlike me, but lately I've been trying to break out of my fashion box a little and try new things. It recently occurred to me that I totally dress to blend in as much as possible and I have some really rigid ideas about which shirt can go with which pants and which earrings I am allowed to wear and that all the colors of everything have to be complementary in some way. I bought a bunch of new clothes from the Roaman's catalog a few weeks ago, things that I would have skipped right over in the past. I loved nearly every single thing I tried on and it was a real eye-opener for me. Perhaps it's okay if my shirt has a pattern on it. Perhaps the world won't end if I wear a larger than usual hair accessory or pair of earrings. Perhaps I can actually stand out a little and not be so afraid of making an impression. Interesting ideas...and they'll take some getting used to, but right now I am loving the process.
xo
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Thursday
I got an A on my last graphic design project (the one from Monday)! Woo! Also we have a midterm coming up next Monday that I think I will do pretty well on. I just have to pass with a B to continue in the program, so right now I think I might be okay.
I'm still knee-deep in post-its trying to get things ready for the new hires and for school to start on Aug 4th. I just found out we might only get to hire four of the candidates right now and add one in a few weeks if we need them. This bites because then that person won't get to attend all of the training sessions we have planned next week and will have to catch up. Also, we already offered the job to five people so now we have to go back to one of them and say 'never mind'. That kind of sucks from a human point of view. The director's going to try to get upper management to change their minds this afternoon, so we'll see. I hope he succeeds.
I no longer feel like I am living alone in the basement because it seems everywhere I go there is a spider of some kind building a web or crawling on my stuff. I actually don't mind them, though for while I was a little startled when spiders scurried out of nowhere and into my eyeline. Now I'm pretty used to them. I've even named a few. One thing that concerns me, though, is that yesterday when I checked in with the spider that lives on my coat (Shirley), she had another spider's LEGS in her web with her. The body was missing, it was only legs! WTF? T suggested that maybe there aren't enough flies in the room to keep everyone satisfied so they've taken to eating each other. I just hope Shirley doesn't start eyeing me. I'd be a big meal for a spider...:)
xo
update: hee..there's a fly in my room. I can almost hear them all licking their lips (do spiders have lips?)
I'm still knee-deep in post-its trying to get things ready for the new hires and for school to start on Aug 4th. I just found out we might only get to hire four of the candidates right now and add one in a few weeks if we need them. This bites because then that person won't get to attend all of the training sessions we have planned next week and will have to catch up. Also, we already offered the job to five people so now we have to go back to one of them and say 'never mind'. That kind of sucks from a human point of view. The director's going to try to get upper management to change their minds this afternoon, so we'll see. I hope he succeeds.
I no longer feel like I am living alone in the basement because it seems everywhere I go there is a spider of some kind building a web or crawling on my stuff. I actually don't mind them, though for while I was a little startled when spiders scurried out of nowhere and into my eyeline. Now I'm pretty used to them. I've even named a few. One thing that concerns me, though, is that yesterday when I checked in with the spider that lives on my coat (Shirley), she had another spider's LEGS in her web with her. The body was missing, it was only legs! WTF? T suggested that maybe there aren't enough flies in the room to keep everyone satisfied so they've taken to eating each other. I just hope Shirley doesn't start eyeing me. I'd be a big meal for a spider...:)
xo
update: hee..there's a fly in my room. I can almost hear them all licking their lips (do spiders have lips?)
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Finally, some good stuff!
While last week wasn't exactly worse than the one before it (I wasn't hit by a bus or anything), it was still pretty frustrating and emotionally confusing. I am so new to this hetero thing (though sometimes I wonder if there's a point where I will cease to be 'new' at it and will commence being simply 'bad' at it) and all the rules and the thing about the calling and not calling and showing interest and not showing interest, I just don't get it. This is where being gay was so much easier because I am kind of, let's say, assertive, and without the constriction of gender roles in place I was free to be as forward as I wanted to be without worrying about being viewed as an overly aggressive woman (we all know the world does not love overly aggressive women). Anyway, I meant what I said last week about not needing to be with anybody right now, but it would make me feel a lot better to understand it all.
This week is already shaping up to be much more enjoyable than last week. Yesterday I actually had a completely positive experience in graphic design class, if you can believe it. We had this project where we had to choose from a variety of black and white shapes to create a design, then we all put our projects on the board and critiqued them. I liked what I had come up with, but it wasn't until I saw everyone else's that I felt reassured that I was actually meant to be in this class and not just a total design failure. There were some really innovative, interesting designs and there were some designs that could use a few changes, but my design was definitely successful and got a lot of positive comments during the critique session. Afterwards we started a new project, in which we are going to redesign an ad. The technique we were working on was thumbnailing which is basically making a series of tiny sketches of the ad layout to generate ideas. For once, I was just as fast as everyone else and I almost completed the two pages of thumbnails before the end of class. The technique works, too, because I have some great ideas now about how I'm going to redesign the ad.
Another enjoyable thing that's going on is we have five new hires starting next week at work. They are all going to be on my team, so this week I've been busy figuring out what training they will need and how they are going to get it. I love a good project, especially if it has the potential to make an actual difference in how our team works when our call volume goes up in two weeks. Last year school started on my third day and it was a real nightmare because we didn't have enough folks to handle the call volume and we had just started supporting this program so everything was a learning process. This time around, hopefully we have learned some things and we will be able to apply that knowledge and have things run more smoothly. We'll see.
I signed on with a new personal trainer this weekend. This one used to be around 300 lbs then she lost about 100 of it with a personal trainer and then decided she wanted to be one herself. I actually read on her website that one of her clients is a prominent (to me anyway) fat activist here in Portland, so I'm pretty excited about training with her. My big goal for the training is to get into shape for the 2009 Portland Marathon, but I'm also hoping being more regularly active will make me less afraid of riding my bike. I'm totally psyched!
xo
This week is already shaping up to be much more enjoyable than last week. Yesterday I actually had a completely positive experience in graphic design class, if you can believe it. We had this project where we had to choose from a variety of black and white shapes to create a design, then we all put our projects on the board and critiqued them. I liked what I had come up with, but it wasn't until I saw everyone else's that I felt reassured that I was actually meant to be in this class and not just a total design failure. There were some really innovative, interesting designs and there were some designs that could use a few changes, but my design was definitely successful and got a lot of positive comments during the critique session. Afterwards we started a new project, in which we are going to redesign an ad. The technique we were working on was thumbnailing which is basically making a series of tiny sketches of the ad layout to generate ideas. For once, I was just as fast as everyone else and I almost completed the two pages of thumbnails before the end of class. The technique works, too, because I have some great ideas now about how I'm going to redesign the ad.
Another enjoyable thing that's going on is we have five new hires starting next week at work. They are all going to be on my team, so this week I've been busy figuring out what training they will need and how they are going to get it. I love a good project, especially if it has the potential to make an actual difference in how our team works when our call volume goes up in two weeks. Last year school started on my third day and it was a real nightmare because we didn't have enough folks to handle the call volume and we had just started supporting this program so everything was a learning process. This time around, hopefully we have learned some things and we will be able to apply that knowledge and have things run more smoothly. We'll see.
I signed on with a new personal trainer this weekend. This one used to be around 300 lbs then she lost about 100 of it with a personal trainer and then decided she wanted to be one herself. I actually read on her website that one of her clients is a prominent (to me anyway) fat activist here in Portland, so I'm pretty excited about training with her. My big goal for the training is to get into shape for the 2009 Portland Marathon, but I'm also hoping being more regularly active will make me less afraid of riding my bike. I'm totally psyched!
xo
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