Fat Girl Speaks!

T and I went to Fat Girl Speaks! on Saturday. It was fascinating and terrifying at the same time. Here's an excerpt about it from an email to my brother:

Think about it: you have this physical characteristic that has defined you for your whole life and you simultaneously hate it and feel like you would miss it if it weren't there. Then, you enter this room full of women who share the exact same characteristic, so now you're not so special anymore. And part of you relaxes because you don't have to be defensive about it, and part of you feels so ordinary and plain since everyone else looks just like you.

And the women in this room are all super-excited about and celebrating this thing that you have felt ambivalent about your whole life, and you realize that there really is a different way to look at it and that you don't have to be stuck in your same old perceptions, but then what does that really mean about you? Are you no longer allowed to hide behind this characteristic and not take risks? Do you really have to get out there and live your life and put an end to the struggle that has, in some ways, defined your life up until now? And you know you still live in the real world, so the vast majority of people you see every day will still have the same old ideas about you and your worth because of this characteristic. And you're considering doing things that kind of buck the system and the status quo, like wearing things that draw attention to yourself and maybe not hiding and being apologetic for the way you are. And that is incredibly scary, because you feel like your inhibitions are what have kept you safe in this world, like you've been playing by the rules which is why most people leave you alone and don't give you trouble, so conversely, if you start not playing by the rules, that makes you fair game for any jackass with an agenda about your body or your life.

So, fascinating because it changed my perception about some things and opened my eyes to things I was believing about myself that were untrue...and terrifying because with new truth comes new responsibility.

Anyway, it was a very cool experience and I'm totally glad we went!

PS: I think I lost about 4 pounds because I can weigh myself on the scale now. Not sure how to feel about that. Yay because I'm accomplishing what I set out to do, boo because it's hard to be excited about changing yourself when you're simultaneously trying to love yourself the way you are :)