I realized something interesting about myself today. When I'm in public, I am always looking to the people around me for subconscious approval. I'm constantly evaluating their facial expressions or body language or whether or not they sit near me on the bus or whether they smile or frown at me. Then I process that information all together and use it to decide whether I'm okay at that moment or not. It sounds ludicrous but it's true. That's what's going on in my head when there are other people around. Not as much when I'm among friends or family, but on the bus or the train I am definitely caring way too much about how a bunch of strangers are subconsciously acting towards me.
Once I realized that on the bus this morning and I found myself doing it, I had to remind myself repeatedly that my worth was not dependent on what this random person on the bus thought of me. When I got to work, I was able to extend that idea to some of my coworkers. There are a few who just aren't very pleasant people and I always feel a little crappy about myself when they cross my path. This morning once I realized that it didn't matter what they thought of me, it was like a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. I never realized just how much energy it takes to care about what everyone thinks of me. It will be interesting to see if I can keep being conscious of these internal thoughts and evaluations.
In other news, I bought a bike on Tuesday. It's just a mountain bike and I think they only sell them at Target or Wal-Mart or something so it probably isn't the best quality ever, but it was only $45 bucks so there you go. I think I am going to have to replace the front brakes and maybe get some road tires instead of mtn bike tires, but still it should end up being a pretty cheap investiment. I don't want to break the bank getting a bike yet because I'm not sure if I'm even going to enjoy bike riding as an activity. I haven't ridden a bike in many, many years. Like swimming, I have no idea if my muscles even know how to do it anymore. Luckily we have a fairly large patio in our backyard so I can get on the bike and ride around a little in complete privacy before risking falling off in front of my neighbors. There are a lot of kids and kids make fun...that's all I'm saying.
I've been fairly successful at the whole quitting the internet at work thing. I have slipped up once or twice but on the whole, I have been able to pretty much stay away entirely. Honestly, it never even occurred to me just how much time I was spending on the internet until I decided to quit. I thought it was no big deal, but I can imagine if I had an employee who was online as much as I was, I might be a little pissed. Anyway, I have a one-on-one meeting with my boss today so we'll see if he noticed a difference.
T has been cooking again, which I love, because she is so f-ing good at it. I lost those few pounds I had gained back last week so everything is pointing in the right direction again. I'm still working on how you can love yourself as you are but then also strive to change yourself. T and I had a long talk about that over breakfast last weekend and I realized that I definitely have things that I would like to change about myself, like the internet thing or how I seem to be late all the time or how I care too much about what other people think of me, but those things don't mean that I just across the board suck. I can deal with the fat in the same way. It's just a thing about me that I am trying to modify. Actually, I can't control the fat itself...the only thing I can change are habits that contribute to the fat, like being afraid of exercise and not eating as well as I would like.
The thing about diet culture in the US is that it is sooooo patronizing, especially to women. I was reading a blurb about some former contestant on 'The Biggest Loser' and it said something like "so an so eats carbs from time to time but she knows never to eat white rice. Good girl!" I'm sorry, what? Is she five years old? Are they talking about her dog? First of all, there's nothing wrong with white rice or any other type of food, for that matter. Certain foods have more nutritional benefit than others, but this whole good food/bad food thing is just a false construct perpetuated by the diet industry. Secondly, who the hell has the right to talk to a grown woman like that? Good girl? Really? That kind of thing just pisses me off. Honestly, I think maybe that's why dieting fails so often...because a woman can only suppress her self-respect for so long and then she has to just say 'fuck that shit' and do what she wants for a change. Problem is, women are not exactly trained to figure out what it is that we want, so she ends up eating whatever is advertised the most aggressively and is the most readily available, which is usually crappy food.
That's just my theory. Hey, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe every woman who has dieted and stopped really does just have crappy self esteem issues, can't possibly control herself around various food items, is just a 'bad girl' who should be ashamed of herself because she chose twinkies over celery. No, you're right. I'm sure fat women are just universally greedy and lazy and gross and selfish and stupid. Let's do believe all of the messages fed to us by the media. I'm sure they're correct and unbiased and without agenda.
Yeah, it pisses me off. But it's so easy to just slide into that mindset, that thin equals good and fat equals bad, that somehow my body size says all of these negative things about me and that all of them are true. So THAT is my struggle...changing my habits while reminding myself that I'm doing it because I want to and not because I am all these negative things that need to be fixed.
More as it happens...
C
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