History

In case you were wondering, I didn't go to the class on Wednesday, but I emailed the guy and he said I could catch up next class. So I'm pretty sure I'm going to go, which is awesome because I've been thinking about doing this for a long time and it's just never been the right time.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about who I am and all of the things that have occurred and decisions I've made that have gotten me to this particular moment, which is weird for me because I usually don't think all that much about my past. My life is pretty much about moving forward, making progress, accomplishing something new, reaching for the next goal. It's actually kind of a dissatisfying way to live, because I'm never satisfied with what I've already accomplished. Anyway, for whatever reason my mind has been floating around in the past lately.

It's interesting to apply 30 year old logic to something that happened to me when I was a kid and hasn't been re-evaluated since then. I find that a lot of things that I was upset about tend not to bother me so much now that I can understand why they happened, though some things bother me more than they did, like the series of obscene phone calls I got when I was about ten years old. At the time, I just thought it was creepy and weird but now it totally freaks me out to think that some pervy grown man knew my name and phone number and called me repeatedly. Or when on the last day of fifth grade, my teacher took me aside and told me to go home and lose weight over the summer. When that happened I was ashamed and embarrassed to be singled out, but when I think about it now it first makes me angry for little roly-poly fifth grade Carrie and then it makes me feel sorry for my teacher, who clearly was dealing with some body issues of her own.

Anyway, all of these things add up to make me who I am today, I guess, which makes me wish I could remember more of them. It's annoying that my brain chose to use precious storage space for the lyrics to Ice Ice Baby instead of remembering the first time I rode a bike or some other iconic moment. Makes me think maybe I should be writing down what I remember now, lest it get overwritten by some insignificant song on the radio and I end up unable to recall anything about where I came from.

I realized the other day that since I'm the only one living in my house, I can play the piano as much as I want without bugging anyone. So that's my big plan for tonight...I'm going to go home and play the piano and maybe teach myself to crochet. Then maybe I'll read a book and go to bed early. Yeah baby! Do thirty-year-olds know how to party or what?!

xo,
C