I went to the movies by myself tonight. I had spent the early evening having some photos taken by B at her new studio and afterwards I just didn't feel like going home so I went to Powell's and bought some stationery to write to my great aunt and a birthday card for Brian. When I came out it was raining so I ducked into the Living Room Theaters down the street and decided to suck up my self-consciousness and see a movie (this sounds very spontaneous and unplanned but I must confess that I did look up the movie times before I left work today because I was thinking about going...I just wasn't 100% sure I would actually go until I came out of Powell's and it was raining). I saw The Go-Getter, which is by a local filmmaker (I'm not looking it up...you'll have to trust me) and was filmed in part in Oregon. Also, the music was by M.Ward, someone Brian and M are into and I have started to take a liking to as well. Anyway, seeing a movie by myself was a lot less horrible than I thought it would be. For starters, the LRT is full of cushy chairs and ottomans (ottomen?) and they serve drinks and food and things. They only show independent films which is kind of a departure for me because I tend to be less open-minded than I would like about movies, but I really liked the one I saw tonight. They have this special where all shows are only $5 on Mondays and Tuesdays, so I'm thinking of maybe making it a regular thing. I'm single, see, so I can do that :)
Riding the MAX home, I felt perhaps the most intense loneliness I have felt since breaking up with T. Thank god for Pema Chodron though, because I remembered the part of the book about how loneliness is a gift and to just sit and feel it and not try to get rid of the feeling. It wasn't easy, but when I finally gave in to just experiencing the emotions rather than try to distract myself, it became a much more bearable thing. As I was walking home from the bus stop, I grinned wryly and shook my head and exclaimed to myself, "holy shit, I am so fucking lonely right now!" and it was okay.
When I got home, I sat down to take my 365 portrait for the day. I felt like doing something a little different because I had been feeling particularly self-conscious and body-conscious this evening. Also I showed my 365 set to a coworker last week and he encouraged me to be more creative with it. So yeah, I decided to show a little skin. I know it's my skin and it's lovely and there's nothing wrong with it, but for some reason instinctively I feel like I should somehow apologize for putting it out there. Perhaps I just feel exposed. Anyway, there you go....another super fun post-breakup evening. I can only imagine what tomorrow will bring :)
xo
4 comments:
I have to agree, going to the movies by yourself isnt that bad. Unless you have people talking behind you. I almost prefer it so that I can really take in the movie (but then again I have only done this about 5 times in my lifetime). I like the new picture. I was feeling artsy last night and took about 10 pictures before deciding on one (well Jason was taking them...which is why it took 10 I guess because most of them were below the neck if you get my drift). I hope that eventually you enjoy the pros of the single you, instead of focusing on the cons. I know that you wanted to embrace the feeling of loneliness but maybe someday you wont be lonely, you will have the company of yourself.
isn't living room theaters the best?
glad pema could give some perspective.
xo
brian
ps - i for one prefer the face shots.
also - you went to powells!
well of course you do...you're my brother for pete's sake!
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