Hello, I'm Carrie and angst is my default state. If you've read anything I've written here that should be abundantly clear by now. I'm so good at it I even get angsty about my angst, thinking maybe I should be happier and I'm effing things up by being so dissatisfied all of the time. Well I had a conversation with a friend this morning that, out of nowhere, changed everything. She proposed a theory that explained a lot of what I have been feeling, that I feel anxious because I have too many options. This totally resonated for me. For instance, lately I have been thinking about why I would even want a partner right now and the unromantic answer is that I would like to have that area of my life nailed down and decided. Hot, right? They should put that on a greeting card.
Having so many directions my life could go in is pretty stressful, especially when you figure in the pressure I put on myself to make the 'correct' decisions. I realize I am constantly looking for some sort of outside validation or guidance as to what I should do, be it writing, reading, going to school, traveling, whatever. I hate that. I'm the decider, dammit. But to be the decider I need to actually, you know, decide things and take responsibility for those decisions. Lately I've been feeling a little too 'things are happening to me' instead of 'I am making things happen' and I don't like it. So I think my first big decision is going to be to move my locus of control inward. It feels right.
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