T and I went to Fat Girl Speaks! on Saturday. It was fascinating and terrifying at the same time. Here's an excerpt about it from an email to my brother:
Think about it: you have this physical characteristic that has defined you for your whole life and you simultaneously hate it and feel like you would miss it if it weren't there. Then, you enter this room full of women who share the exact same characteristic, so now you're not so special anymore. And part of you relaxes because you don't have to be defensive about it, and part of you feels so ordinary and plain since everyone else looks just like you.
And the women in this room are all super-excited about and celebrating this thing that you have felt ambivalent about your whole life, and you realize that there really is a different way to look at it and that you don't have to be stuck in your same old perceptions, but then what does that really mean about you? Are you no longer allowed to hide behind this characteristic and not take risks? Do you really have to get out there and live your life and put an end to the struggle that has, in some ways, defined your life up until now? And you know you still live in the real world, so the vast majority of people you see every day will still have the same old ideas about you and your worth because of this characteristic. And you're considering doing things that kind of buck the system and the status quo, like wearing things that draw attention to yourself and maybe not hiding and being apologetic for the way you are. And that is incredibly scary, because you feel like your inhibitions are what have kept you safe in this world, like you've been playing by the rules which is why most people leave you alone and don't give you trouble, so conversely, if you start not playing by the rules, that makes you fair game for any jackass with an agenda about your body or your life.
So, fascinating because it changed my perception about some things and opened my eyes to things I was believing about myself that were untrue...and terrifying because with new truth comes new responsibility.
Anyway, it was a very cool experience and I'm totally glad we went!
PS: I think I lost about 4 pounds because I can weigh myself on the scale now. Not sure how to feel about that. Yay because I'm accomplishing what I set out to do, boo because it's hard to be excited about changing yourself when you're simultaneously trying to love yourself the way you are :)
Okay, so one of the things I've been frustrated about is that I couldn't really track my progress, body size-wise, because I don't have a scale and my clothes are all pretty much stretchy so it's hard to tell if they are fitting looser. So anyway, I ordered a scale from Amazon a few days ago and it was delivered today. I haven't weighed myself in years, in fact the last time I owned a scale was when I was on the South Beach diet several years ago in Lawrenceville. But still, I thought I had some idea of how heavy I was, just remembering how much I weighed before South Beach and thinking I couldn't possibly ever be heavier than that.
Anyway, I was wrong. Super-wrong. I weigh so incredibly much right now, that the scale I bought won't even weigh me. I'm at least a good 50 pounds heavier than I was when I started South Beach, and this is after I have lost some weight (i'm pretty sure) with the walking and the cooking for myself and everything. I am stunned and frustrated and sad and scared all at once. How is it remotely possible that I weigh this much? How is it possible that I continue living my life and am ambulatory and not bedridden and don't need a crane to get out of my house? How can I even be considering running a marathon or doing anything else physical, for that matter?
And then I take a deep breath and remember that I am the exact same size I was five minutes ago, before I knew the number on the scale. I am just as capable of doing anything I set out to do before I knew I weighed this much. This number doesn't decide my life for me.
All it means is that the newspaper article they do on me when I finally run my marathon ("Former fatty runs her ass off!") will be that much more impressive. I can't wait to take the picture where I hold up the big pants.
Time to get started...
The other day I was on myspace and it occurred to me that I could click on the name of my high school and see all of the people from there who have myspace pages. It was neat and depressing at the same time to look at everyone's pages. Neat to see how everyone was doing and to see that there were still quite a few people who didn't have their shit together yet, but depressing because it brought up a lot of old sad feelings from back then, when I was a bit of an outcast and constantly felt pretty bad about myself. Anyway, I did find a few of my old friends and added them to my page, so "the little friends list that could" is starting to grow. I'm up to 5 friends. Woohoo!
The 5k is coming up fast...next weekend, in fact. I haven't been out walking in weeks so I'm a little freaked out about it. Every day I keep meaning to walk a little when I get home, but I am just too good at coming up with excuses. Either it's too hot or I'm too tired or there are too many people outside or whatever. I wish our treadmill worked because that would eliminate a good number of those excuses, but unfortunately when we plugged it in after the move, nothing happened. I'm hoping there is just some kind of reset switch on the treadmill somewhere, because otherwise we just spent 2 grand for nothing.
I have been plugging away at this foreclosure thing. I'm thinking about filing bankruptcy to stop the foreclosure, since according to the interweb (don't worry, I'm also consulting actual experts), foreclosure is worse for your record than bankruptcy. Plus if I file bankruptcy I can address the rest of the debt I'm carrying and start building my good credit back up. It's a pretty sad financial situation when bankruptcy starts to look like a good option. I'm going to talk with a lawyer next week and try to figure out what I should do.
With all of this financial mess happening around me, I realized the other day that since T has so little income (the vet recep job doesn't pay her near what she's worth), she could qualify for all sorts of financial aid if she went back to school. She has been talking lately about wanting to go to culinary school but was worried abut it being too expensive. So she filed her FAFSA and we will soon see if Uncle Sam is willing to help her out. I am so excited for her! She loves to cook and flavors just come together into something incredible when she is cooking, so I think she would be an amazing chef. I can't wait to eat her homework :)
Other than that, everything is pretty normal. We've been rearranging furniture a bit lately, trying to get everything into it's right spot. I'm beginning to think that we might just have too much furniture altogether. We've never lived in a house this small, so we're probably going to have to get rid of a few things at some point. I feel very strongly, though, that once we've gotten rid of the extra crap, our house is going to be awesome. If you're lucky, maybe we'll invite you over.
