The Novel

So, remember a few months ago when my life was all about word count and plot issues and cranking out a 50,000 word novel in a month? Well I think it's time to share what I did, in all of its messy glory. Be warned: it is plenty messy. Also, everything related to my main character's job is fictionally enhanced because, when it comes down to it, the electronic evidence biz is really not all that engaging. To top it off, the main story really comes to a halt at the end of part 2 but I needed more word count so part three veers off into a completely new story and then abruptly ends. Think of it like those novel series that give you a chapter or two of the next book at the end of the one you're reading.

Those of you who know me well will recognize a lot of me in the main character, but I think that's pretty normal, especially for a first-time writer. Oh, also, she and her friends tend to curse a bit so you might want to brace yourself for that. Also I never came up with a name for Anna's workplace.

Anyway, enjoy! I welcome any and all comments.

Don't blame the fat

Thankfully, yes, I do feel better today. From the responses I got from folks I am guessing that it's true that all single people feel this frustration at one time or another, no matter what size they are. Okay. I will stop blaming my troubles on the fat.

I met a new friend of T's yesterday who is (or seems, you know) entirely fearless around men and it was so good for me to spend time with her because it opened my eyes to how exactly I am contributing to my isolated state. Generally if I'm out in public, I try my hardest to just not make a fuss and be as unobtrusive as possible. I guess it's a defense thing. But the result of that is usually that (surprise) nobody pays any attention to me and I feel pretty invisible, which is a feeling I really really hate. Anyway, last night she and T and I were at a bar playing in a poker tournament and after she and I had busted out of the tournament, we sat at the bar together and I had a chance to observe. She just up and talked to everybody, asked people their names, made conversation...it was kind of incredible to see. At one point she went outside and even I, bolstered by her demonstration, got up the courage to start a conversation with a man a couple of stools away from me. Nothing epic, we talked about scotch and tv shows and random stuff, but it was really good for me to start a conversation and have someone be receptive. I started to realize that maybe I don't have to make myself as small and quiet and not there as possible to get along in the world. Maybe I can have a presence and still be okay. Good food for thought.

Otherness

I am so tired of being me. I'm exhausted with the effort of being this fat girl in a world that abhors fat. I'm tired of feeling ineligible as a woman because of my size. And I'm smaller than I used to be, because I have lost weight with all the training and running, etc, but the thing I'm slowly realizing is that I am always going to be "other". I am always going to be the fat girl, even if I'm not as fat as I was. I am always going to be somewhat invisible, especially to men. It makes me so angry and frustrated to realize that no matter what other incredible qualities I have, no matter how clever or witty or caring or loving or awesome I am, all the majority of the world will see when they look at me is a fat girl. This one characteristic will determine how I am treated by the vast majority of people I will meet in my life. It's not fair. It's bullshit. But it's the way the world works and there is nothing I can do about it. I don't know if I have it in me to persevere along this path and wait to meet the man who just happens to be part of the magical 1% who consider fat to be not repulsive. It doesn't feel like a likely eventuality anymore. Every time I tell myself to just keep holding on and whoever it is will eventually show up, it just feels like a big lie. I don't really think he's coming.