Otherness

I am so tired of being me. I'm exhausted with the effort of being this fat girl in a world that abhors fat. I'm tired of feeling ineligible as a woman because of my size. And I'm smaller than I used to be, because I have lost weight with all the training and running, etc, but the thing I'm slowly realizing is that I am always going to be "other". I am always going to be the fat girl, even if I'm not as fat as I was. I am always going to be somewhat invisible, especially to men. It makes me so angry and frustrated to realize that no matter what other incredible qualities I have, no matter how clever or witty or caring or loving or awesome I am, all the majority of the world will see when they look at me is a fat girl. This one characteristic will determine how I am treated by the vast majority of people I will meet in my life. It's not fair. It's bullshit. But it's the way the world works and there is nothing I can do about it. I don't know if I have it in me to persevere along this path and wait to meet the man who just happens to be part of the magical 1% who consider fat to be not repulsive. It doesn't feel like a likely eventuality anymore. Every time I tell myself to just keep holding on and whoever it is will eventually show up, it just feels like a big lie. I don't really think he's coming.