Too many options

Hello, I'm Carrie and angst is my default state. If you've read anything I've written here that should be abundantly clear by now. I'm so good at it I even get angsty about my angst, thinking maybe I should be happier and I'm effing things up by being so dissatisfied all of the time. Well I had a conversation with a friend this morning that, out of nowhere, changed everything. She proposed a theory that explained a lot of what I have been feeling, that I feel anxious because I have too many options. This totally resonated for me. For instance, lately I have been thinking about why I would even want a partner right now and the unromantic answer is that I would like to have that area of my life nailed down and decided. Hot, right? They should put that on a greeting card.

Having so many directions my life could go in is pretty stressful, especially when you figure in the pressure I put on myself to make the 'correct' decisions. I realize I am constantly looking for some sort of outside validation or guidance as to what I should do, be it writing, reading, going to school, traveling, whatever. I hate that. I'm the decider, dammit. But to be the decider I need to actually, you know, decide things and take responsibility for those decisions. Lately I've been feeling a little too 'things are happening to me' instead of 'I am making things happen' and I don't like it. So I think my first big decision is going to be to move my locus of control inward. It feels right.

Reclaiming free time

Normally, my weekend mantra is "homework, then fun". Saturdays are for Chem labs, Sundays are for online Chem homework and anything else that might be due. This weekend I tried a little experiment and gave myself permission to not do any homework at all. This weekend the plan was to prioritize fun. I woke up around eight (late for me), fed the dog, scrambled some eggs for breakfast, sat on the sofa and just turned the old brain off for the better part of a morning. Oh it was so nice to stop worrying about my business and get wrapped up in the drama on Private Practice. I mean really, who cares about a little chemistry homework when there are babies whose lives are hanging in the balance?

The best part about my morning was that by the afternoon I was really tired of watching TV so I sat down and did my Chem lab. With the pressure off (I had already come to grips with the effect not turning it in would have on my course grade), I found doing the lab to be an almost interesting and enjoyable experience.

Sunday was more of the same. There was chem homework and laundry to do but I started my day with what I wanted to do. Eventually I got that stuff done too, and I felt more in control of my weekend and less pressured to complete everything right! effing! now! It was a good thing.

Freaking out

I am really beginning to intensely dislike Chemistry, though that's mostly because I'm not all that good at it. I'm currently in the middle of my second semester of a three semester sequence and I just feel like I'm not really getting it. I thought about getting a tutor but the idea of having someone watch me have a freak out moment and cry when I can't find the correct answer is not all that appealing to me. The silly thing about all this is that even if I don't completely understand what is going on, I'll still probably be able to scrape together a B in the class. So I really would like to get to the bottom of what makes me so uncomfortable about this class. It's not the grade consequences exactly. Can I really be that wrapped up in my identity as a smart girl that it bothers me this much to not have all the answers?

One thing is for sure, this situation is causing me way too much undue stress. Compared to last semester, this semester's workload is actually quite a bit less, but for some reason I feel more wound up about it. I need to find a way to relax.