I had a realization tonight that seems so obvious now that I've thought of it that I can't believe it was never clear to me before: life does not actually happen the way it is portrayed in movies, tv, books, songs, magazines, or advertisements. There is no real logic, there is no perceived justice, the deserving don't win, the cheaters aren't punished, the right guy doesn't end up with the right girl and they don't live happily ever after, the meek don't rise up in triumph against the powerful, and jackasses don't evolve and regret their jackassery.
The realization came to me as I was having one of those evenings where everything is just a little more frustrating than it needs to be and I had a thought I've had before: "I should write a short story with a character who is just like me except that everything works out exactly the way she wants it to." A few beats later, I realized that there are probably a lot of fiction writers who started out that way, just wanting to feel like they had some control over a universe, even if it was one they had created and not the one they live in. Then that thought extended to screenwriters, songwriters, etc and I realized that it's all just some writer's made up bullshit. I mean, of COURSE it is, but no seriously, it really really is. And that kind of scares the shit out of me because a lot of what I know about being an adult (or a human anyway) I learned from fictional media. I mean, I've obviously got the basics down...I have a job, I pay my bills, I'm not being indicted for anything I'm aware of...but what about beyond that?
I don't quite know what to do with this knowledge now. My whole adult life I have been walking around with this mistaken belief that as long as I just keep being a good person and kind to others and not too much of an asshole (and stay positive, and try harder, and change this or that about myself), that eventually, my life will work out the way I always wanted it to. But that's all bullshit, isn't it? There's no guarantee I won't end up penniless and alone in a gutter somewhere, no matter how many things I do 'right' in my life.
Granted, that realization carries with it a measure of freedom. I mean, if the ideas I have about how I should be or what I should become are all bullshit, then there's not so much pressure to do everything right and fit into a particular mold, right? But the bottom line is that I have zero control over the end result, and that drives me crazy. Sure, I can make choices and try new things that I think will propel me in the general direction of my goals, but for whichever choices I make there are infinite outcomes and I don't get to choose the one I get. That sucks.
Mom, I finally get what you meant when you said 'Life isn't fair' all those times...and it kinda makes me sad.
6 comments:
You may not get to pick the specific outcome, but you do get to influence the ultimate choices. In order to stay sane, I have to think that people aren't entirely at the universe's mercy....especially not someone as smart, talented, and....(is there a good way to say headstrong? Cuz I mean it in a good way.) headstrong as you are. It is amazing how much our generation bases it's goals and expectations on fictional constructs though. Frightening.
No, there are no guarantees. All you can do is make your best choice and hope the results will be the ones you want. And, if they are not, try another choice where possible. You do have control of your choices, your reactions, your behavior. You can be kind to someone and maybe they will respond positively or maybe they will walk all over you. All you can control is your piece of the event. You may never know how important a kind word or a smile may be, especially when given to someone who doesn't seem to deserve it. You don't know what is going on in their life - maybe they have just been diagnosed with cancer and they are scared to death and treat you badly or maybe they are just jerks. My personal philosophy is that whatever good deeds or kind acts you do, they will come back to you - often not from those you helped but perhaps from strangers or friends who owe you nothing. Do people live "happily ever after"? I doubt it. As John Lennon said "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans." But that doesn't mean you should stop reading!! You will find nuggets of truth along the way.
Good points. And certainly the idea that I don't have control over outcomes has come up for me before, but what was unique about this moment was that it was the first time I realized that no, that happy ending stuff really doesn't happen to anybody in real life. Sometimes good things happen and sometimes bad things happen, but that magical fictional construct of "this is what was supposed to happen or what I was meant to do with my life or who I was fated to end up with" is a bunch of BS. There is no such thing as what was supposed to happen...the only thing that actually matters is what is.
Word.
That would have been totally depressing if I had not come to that conclusion already. What gets me though, is that I know all this live isnt fair stuff and I STILL get mad and frustrated that life isnt fair!!! I just try to be a good person (given, I do talk crap about others once in awhile) but other than that I am good. I do believe in karma (like your mom..) and people can talk about me, its ok, there is a lot worse out there. Keep on truckin.
wow. profound realization. yes, somewhat depressing to learn that there may not be some giant master-plan that we all move in accordance with
but I think the core of what you’re saying is quite powerful. it’s a Buddhist principle, this moment is all, this one moment as you’re sitting and reading this and drawing breath is really all that exists. the past and future exist somewhere but not here. if you’re able to uncoil and separate from the future (ie, the things you want or want to happen or hope will happen) and the past (ie the things that went right or wrong and your relationship to them) and merely sit consciously in the here and now this is path to true happiness. easier said than done of course!
also, as has been said here, there are elements you can control. You have power over your life. You control the way you interact with people, the way you regard yourself, the way you live, the way you conduct your life. The world is brimming w/ possible malevolence – random accidents, a brain tumor, the unforseen – and yes, you cannot control those things. There is absolutely nothing you can do should you encounter those things. But the way you live in the face of them is yours and yours alone. Empowering and terrifying both.
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