Feel the burn

I just noticed that all day I have been attempting to distract myself, to avoid thinking too deeply on anything. I feel like if I can just keep moving then I won't sink down into whatever dark feelings are lurking below. Well, of course I know that probably isn't the best way to deal with one's feelings...so I guess here is a little bit of what is going on with me:

For the none of you who don't already know this, T and I decided on Monday to 'go our separate ways' romantically. We both found through the separation that we were doing pretty well on our own and were, in some ways, happier when we were apart than when we were together. As simple as that sounds, the reality of breaking up has been extremely painful for both of us.

We had a connection that was so powerful that, for a time, we ceased being individual people and became one unit. There are definitely problems with that kind of relationship structure but it's also a very comfortable place to be when you feel, as I have felt in the past, that you have never really fit in with anybody. The fact that T was so willing to be on my team and spend her time with me and listen to me talk for hours about whatever was going on in my head caused an incredible shift in the way I perceived myself. Through T I was able to feel not alone for the first time in my life. Through her eyes I began to be able to see positive qualities about myself. I began to believe that I could be beautiful and appealing and that I wasn't the freakish misfit I had always assumed myself to be.

She would listen to my ramblings about things I had figured out about myself, like why I reacted a certain way to something my brother said or why it was so important to me to be singled out positively at work. She would offer her insightful opinions too, of course, but mostly she just let me talk, which was exactly what I needed in that situation. We bought our first house together, went through our first refinance together, and survived the foreclosure nightmare together. We adopted way too many pets together and got through some very painful losses of some of those pets together. She was with me every step of the way during my brother's brain tumor, from the very first phone call from Mom, through both trips to Portland and both surgeries, to his latest positive (meaning no change) brain scan. We have been on countless incredible vacations together, have watched a million movies and tv shows together, and have more inside jokes than I can imagine ever having with anyone else.

All this is to say that T has meant more to me than any non-family member I have ever known. I love T, she will always be in my heart and part of my family. If there was some way to guarantee that she would be my friend forever, I would sign up for that shit so fast. So the biggest, scariest part of this whole breakup thing is not being able to see the future. I can only hope that we can continue to maintain our connection even though neither one of us has any idea what is coming.

I hope you are all having wonderful Valentine's days.

xo,
C