A new perspective

I realized something about myself today: despite everything I've always believed and how I was brought up to be, I may not be the worlds most dedicated employee. This epiphany came from an aside in a discussion with my boss where he mentioned that another coworker was complaining about me making personal calls at my desk. My first reaction was complete and utter embarrasment because, yeah, I do make personal calls sometimes and I probably should take those outside or just make them on my break or whatever. So all afternoon I have been feeling pretty crappy because this one thing, making personal calls at my desk, has somehow in my mind replaced all of the good things I do at my job and my brain goes straight to the "I am worthless" place.

But really, after 30 years of this crap, I'm ready to start looking at it a different way. So I turned the idea over and over in my mind until I realized that, yeah, my personal life is probably more important to me than my work life. And that's how it should be. Granted, for the sake of my job I should be more careful about when I deal with my personal stuff, but there's nothing wrong with caring more about my life than my job. Also, I don't have to be the perfectest employee in the world all the time. This, by itself, is a pretty astounding realization because for the longest time I have felt that if I could just get everything right at my job then I would be successful and happy and stars would align and everything would be A-OK. But that's crap, isn't it? Nobody gets everything right all the time. The world will not end if I am late to work or make a personal call or (god forbid) take a sick day.

So I'm going to stop worrying about being the best ever and try to be satisfied with being good at my job, supportive of my coworkers, and helpful to my user base. Wow, even now writing that there's a voice in my head that says "okay, but if you aren't trying your absolute hardest to do everything right then you aren't a very good employee". But you know what? Screw it. I'm not living my life so that someone will stand up at my funeral and say "she was a very good employee". Work provides me with the means to pay for my life. That's it. I know enough of how to play the game to keep my job and be good at it, but I'm not going to get so emotional about it anymore. There is no fulfillment to be had, no reward that warrants such hand-wringing and anxiety.

So yeah...I may not be the world's most dedicated employee. And honestly, that may be okay with me.