Happy Holidays!

So. This time last year I was lamenting my first Christmas alone. I was getting a tree, I was unwrapping ornaments, I was singing Christmas carols to the dogs, I was crying. This year I'm not gonna do that. Well, I may sing a carol or two to Rosie, and lord knows I will probably cry, but I'm definitely not getting a tree :)

So what have I learned during this past year of experimentation with my own life? Well for starters, I learned that even if a relationship is not working out, it is still incredibly painful to end it. The amount and duration of the pain seems to be in proportion to the length of time you were actually in the relationship, though I don't know the exact ratio. Also, in general it hurts less to be the breaker than the breakee. I also learned some interesting things about myself in a relationship, like how my first instinct is to contort myself into what I think the other person wants in a partner and that I will know I'm doing it and it will make me feel sick inside, but somehow I will rationalize it as me 'trying' and 'being a good partner' so I don't have to accept that the relationship isn't working. Healthy!

This past year I have grown a lot closer to my family, especially my mom. Our relationship had always been kind of distant emotionally but this past year we have somehow started to connect on a mother/daughter/friend level and we have been hanging out and having a lot of fun together. It makes sense, I mean we are alike in many ways so we understand each other, plus she's my mom, so there's always a solid level of trust there. Granted, she doesn't always tell me what I want to hear, which can be frustrating, but I know I can go to her to cut through the bullshit and give it to me straight, and that's an extremely valuable relationship to have, especially when I'm all floundering out in the hetero dating world.

It's harder to be friends with your exes than I thought. T and I are still having our difficulties in that area. It's pretty hard for us to hang out together because we have so much history and one or the other of us will inevitably bring up an inside joke or a memory of a happy time we had together and then at some point one or the other of us will cry. So not the most fun time for either of us, but we're working on it. The other relationships I've been into and out of this year didn't really yield any friendships either, though none of them really lasted long enough to form that kind of bond.

Over the past six months or so I have learned that my fat body is not broken, it is strong and resilient and it is capable of doing a whole lot more than I have ever given it credit for. I also learned it takes longer to get into running shape than I thought, and I just recently learned that the best way to train your body to run is to actually run and do a little bit more than you believe you can do. I learned that finding the right trainer is as important as finding the right therapist and that the thing people say about how having an exercise partner makes sticking with a training plan easier is absolutely true.

I learned I don't like living with a roommate, and that soundproofing in a shared space is so so important. Also, it's better to be honest with your landlord about a roommate situation not working out than to make up a story about circumstances entirely beyond your control that are forcing you to move out. Workwise, I discovered that if your boss vaguely says you will get promoted and get a raise at some indistinct moment in the future, he is manipulating you and you are so not going to get any of those things. It happened multiple times at Turner but I didn't realize until it happened here that it was a universal idea, not just confined to the one company. If you're going to get a raise or promotion, they're going to give it to you now, not eventually someday.

I learned that Diana Ross was right, you can't hurry love. And you can't cause it to happen and you can't manipulate it and you can't force it. Pretty much, we are all at love's mercy and it will happen when it happens and the only thing we can do is live our lives to the fullest and be open to new experiences. Usually I can believe this, though sometimes I find myself convinced that the problem is me, I'm entirely flawed and unappealing, I will never fall in love again and will be a lonely spinster forever. My thoughts on this issue change frequently :D

So I'm not sure I would say that things this year are necessarily any better than last year. I didn't become wise all of a sudden, I'm not in super magical love, I'm still living alone and working in a job that I don't find particularly fulfilling. But on the plus side, I'm finally in a place where I feel at home, I've challenged myself to do new things and have succeeded at some of them, I've made some new friends and established closer relationships with my family, and I found out just a little bit more about who I am and what I want out of life. I think I'll mark 2008 down as a win.

Love,
Carrie

PS: Rosie moves into my apartment tomorrow. I can hardly wait! :)