She rambles

I've been in an uneasy place the last couple of days. Everything seems to be making me anxious, even little things like errands just feel like too much right now. I think it's mostly about pressures ramping up with work and school so I'm trying to just breathe and deal and wait for the storm to pass a little bit.

Work is supposedly going to be a nightmare this week, so I'm not really looking forward to tomorrow. The second wave rollout for the online payment system is happening, plus I think another couple of schools are starting classes on Monday. Add to that this logo project we're doing in class which required me to actually go to the LIBRARY and check out a BOOK for ideas (talk about extra effort!), and my anxiety about my second trainer appointment, and I'm a bit of a nervous wreck.

I really shouldn't be worried about work though...yeah it will be tough and we'll be really busy, but everyone has done a great job so far of keeping up with the changes and learning on the fly and I'm sure that will continue. And I shouldn't be worried about class because I got an A on the ad redesign project (yes, that's my third A in a row..woo!) and I have some good ideas about this logo thing. And I shouldn't be worried about my trainer appointment because last time I kicked ass and she was very receptive when I felt like I needed to take a break or try something else.

Okay, so if I'm not worried about those things, what the F am I worried about? Things have been changing at an alarming rate lately. I've been meeting new people, trying new social things, stretching my boundaries, etc. It's kind of scary. Some days I really miss the old codependent relationship cocoon, where I didn't really have to be anybody or do anything outside the norm. And I suppose I could still live my life that way, if I really wanted to. I don't actually have to meet people or try new things, and I certainly don't have to stretch my boundaries. But if I don't do that I will end up with one of those tiny lives where I go to work, come straight home, eat my little frozen dinner and watch TV until I can't keep my eyes open any longer. God, there are some days that I'm dangerously close to that now! So yeah, going back to that is not an option.

Perhaps it's that my inner self is struggling between fear and growth and every so often, fear wins. This is one of those times. It's not enough to make me run home and just hide under the covers (though it is enough to make me want to) but it still just sits there on my back making it hard to make the next move. I wonder if there is some way I can just will it away. I bet Pema would say I should just embrace the effing fear and stop trying to avoid it. Sigh...she's probably right.

Anyway, sorry I'm all over the place today. Sometimes I just have to say some stuff. I hope you are all doing well!

xo,
C