Oh hell yeah

Something in my life is changing. I should qualify that, because if you read any number of things I've written here, it will become apparent that something in my life is always changing. But what I'm talking about now is something more fundamental, more far-reaching than moving to a new place or having a new boyfriend or having a falling out with T. Lately I've been having this recurring feeling that avenues that were blocked for me in the past are opening up. Things I didn't think I would ever be able to do in my life now seem actually possible, if not downright manageable.

I'm not just talking about the running, though that's certainly part of it. There's this sense of..well..I want to say control, but that's not quite it. It's more like I feel less out of control, less helpless in the face of circumstance when it comes to my own life. And get this: I feel less afraid of being alone. Crazy, right? Unexpected. But I like it.

I'm feeling less of the pressure to succeed than I have classically put on myself, and strangely enough, since I'm not always fretting about doing something perfectly, my brain is freed up to think about other things I would like to do. Without the voice of "better not try to do that because you'll probably fail", I find myself thinking about all sorts of possibilities, from writing a story or cooking a fancy dinner for myself to going back to school and pursuing a career change in a field I have always thought was beyond my reach.

I don't know where it all came from, but I will tell you this: I am psyched for the future. Absolutely, totally excited.

Love,
Carrie