So who's in charge here, exactly?

Talking with my trainer went well, I think. It was hard to gauge her reaction...plus then I asked her about food and we kind of started talking about weight loss as a goal which is not exactly what I want to do. She showed me this calorie and activity counting website which totally raised my anxiety level and pushed my buttons, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I am in complete charge of what I do regarding food and exercise. It's hard because my brain just jumps right back to when I was 13 and those topics were so loaded and I felt like I had to eat a certain way or exercise a certain amount to appease my parents. I really had to sit down and deal with those feelings and realize that they are no longer relevant to my situation.

So right now I'm kind of joyfully obsessed with the little calorie counting website, but I'm not changing any of my food choices in particular, just observing what I'm doing right now.

Another interesting thing was when you sign up for the website it asks you to rate your activity level and I immediately clicked 'sedentary', but after I thought about it a bit I realized I'm not really sedentary anymore...that's kind of cool :)

Oh also, according to my trainer's scale I've lost approximately 36 pounds since I've been working out. It's only an estimate since the last time I was weighed was in May in the doctor's office. I hate the fact that I feel a little gleeful about losing weight since I've been fighting so hard to live my life regardless of that number, but the glee is there. If nothing else, I guess it's a tangible representation of the hard work I've been doing, even if weight loss wasn't the goal.

I continue to be a little conflicted about what I'm doing here.