On relationships...sort of

Does anyone else notice that all of the creatures in the new Hellboy movie look exactly like the ones from Pan's Labyrinth? Yes, I know it's the same director, but I'm just sayin'...COME on!

I've been doing some big thinking this morning. Since the breakup with T I have kind of been in emergency mode, putting out fires, not able to see beyond two feet in front of me. According to Pema (and you know girl is always right), this is a totally normal thing that happens when "things fall apart" and people scramble to get any kind of ground under their feet so they can feel normal again. The positive side of things falling apart is that it gives you the opportunity to try new things and reinvent yourself, but most folks' instincts are to grab for things that are familiar and comfortable, dysfunctional as they may be, to get back to feeling like themselves as quickly as possible.

Anyway, I realized that I have totally been doing this. I mean sure, I've done some superficially new things, like taking classes and going on trips by myself and going to parties and movies by myself, etc. Underneath it all though, all I have really wanted, the thing that seemed like the ultimate point of all of this personal growth, was to be back in a relationship again. I almost didn't even care who I was in a relationship with. I just wanted someone there to share things, laugh at my jokes, go to movies, hang out on holidays, you get the picture. I finally realize why it's necessary to take a break after getting out of a long term relationship because I have been going about this stuff in kind of a seriously fucked up way.

At first, the idea was just to prove something to myself (and others, I suppose), that I hadn't made this huge mistake about my sexuality, that I would be deemed 'acceptable' and even possibly 'appealing' by straight men. This one was a big deal because there were plenty of messages from my youth as well as the overwhelming message from society and the media these days that if you are a woman who is a certain amount of fat, no man is ever going to want to touch you. The result of that idea is that I felt like I was less than, that I needed to just grab onto the first guy who said hello and make it work, no matter what. Well I did, and it didn't work, it just made us both pretty miserable. I have since learned, through my own experiences and by meeting several happily-coupled fat women through COFRA, that the idea that men don't like fat girls is just untrue. Sure, I'm not every man's cup of tea, but nobody is, really, even if they fit society's ideal body type. And frankly, there are a lot of obnoxious men out there who wouldn't appeal to me even if they were interested.

Lately my fear has been what if I never meet anyone who fits me again? What if there's nobody out there who gets me, who will really understand what I'm talking about, who will share my inside jokes? The effect of this one is that whenever I meet someone who seems to remotely get what I'm talking about and has the same sense of humor as me, part of my brain is like "okay, he'll do!" and sets about pursuing this person without a second thought. There's no room for patience, there's no room for becoming friends first, because the ultimate goal as you remember is to just be with SOMEONE. That's messed up.

So I've realized, finally, that I am really not ready to be with someone right now. My judgment is just out of whack...my priorities aren't straight...and if I get involved with anyone while I'm feeling like this, I am liable to make a huge mistake. And while I recognize that sometimes relationships just don't last forever and it's not the end of the world, I sure as hell want the next long term relationship I am in to actually work.

Anyway, that's what's going on in my head. I hope you are all having a great Friday :)

xo