An epiphany

I finally get it. I finally understand how I work, why a million and one diets and exercise plans have failed, why I have the body I have.

Over the past two weeks, I have been putting a ridiculous amount of pressure on myself. My training schedule has me working out at least five days a week, swimming and running, and when I miss a workout I feel really, really guilty. The bottom line is, this isn't really very much fun anymore, since I feel like I am always failing. Last night, when I went home, I felt tired and crappy and was really letting myself have it for not working out the day before. I tried really hard to get to the bottom of these feelings and why I was putting so much pressure on myself and it finally, finally dawned on me: this whole thing is MY choice. It's up to ME to decide if I want to run, swim, bike, roller skate, skydive, or anything else. I've got to give myself every opportunity to get out there and be active, but it's not helping for me to feel bad if I decide not to. Less than a month ago, my life consisted basically of work and the sofa. It is going to take time to transition to a more active lifestyle, and I can take as long as I need to get there. I have been spending so much time just living in the moment and only thinking three or four steps ahead, to finally look up and realize that my life is stretching before me like a long, long road is incredibly freeing and fantastic. Yesterday I finally felt, just for a second, like my life and its direction was actually about what I wanted, not what someone else said I should want. It was a fabulous feeling.

So I'm going to change my goals again. I'm going to make it my goal to work out at least three times a week, running, swimming, or whatever. No big plan, just whatever I feel like that day. Once I get used to that idea and it feels like a more natural part of my routine, I can think about setting other goals. Right now, the most important thing to me is to integrate physical activity into my life and make it something I actually want to do instead of something I feel like I should do. It's the same idea as the food thing, you know. Yesterday, without even thinking about what a pain in the ass it was to cook something instead of ordering in, I thought about what I wanted to eat, went into the kitchen, and made myself dinner (scrambled eggs, black beans, corn, salsa and sour cream wrapped up in a multigrain tortilla. so good!). I enjoyed the whole experience a great deal because I felt like I was taking care of myself and listening to what I really wanted instead of just eating something "good" or "healthy" or "easy".

I'm definitely still going to do the 5k though. Tomorrow I'm going to map out a 3.1 mile route in the neighborhood and go walk it so I know what walking that distance feels like and how long it takes. Once I know what that is like, I can work on reducing my time so I can stop worrying about being the last one to cross the finish line.

So I feel mostly great with a little apprehension around the edges. It is very hard to trust yourself to make the right decisions, since everything we're told from day 1 is about how we don't have the willpower or self control or good sense to make our own decisions which is why someone else (parents, advertising, government) needs to make them for us. But the bottom line is, all of those diets and plans failed because I didn't feel like they were really my idea...like I was really in charge. Those of you who know me well know that I can have a bit of rebellious streak, so it should come as no surprise that I regularly rebel against control, even when I'm the one who is exerting the control in the first place.