Checking in

There's a spa downstairs in my office building and today William and I went down there and got 15 minute massages. It was a very interesting experience. First of all, my life is not really all about the touching. I don't really let people I know touch me very often, much less complete strangers. The other thing is, um, getting a massage kind of hurts like hell. I mean, it felt good afterwards, but during the massage my overriding thought was, "Dear GOD aren't you done yet?". But I was glad I did it...though my neck is tense again already...darnit.

I am really having trouble with the idea of not having a specific plan or diet or something that I'm working on. I feel the need for structure, but I know deep down that as soon as any structure is in place I will just rebel against it. These goals of mine just seem so insurmountable that I'm really having trouble remaining focused on them without some kind of reassurance that there is a specific end result and that it will take x amount of days to accomplish.

I have been working on this entry for over an hour now, just sitting here trying to figure out what to say about this whole situation. One thing that just occurred to me is that part of the issue is that I don't trust myself to continue to choose to take care of myself by exercising or eating well. I guess I feel like if I have a specific plan to follow then the decision is taken out of my hands...or at least it's simpler. It becomes a decision between complying and not complying rather than taking care of myself or not taking care of myself. I think this merits a whole lot more thought....I'll write more on it tomorrow.

One great thing T said to me today was that I don't have to think about the big picture all the time...that it can just be about what I am going to do TODAY. Very true. I am going to try my hardest to do something great for myself today. I'll tell you tomorrow how it went.